4 C's of 2015 for me!

I believe the Lord has 4 words for me for 2015. Challenge, consistency, commitment and courage! I am joining a local in person weight loss challenge, an online imperfect progress fitness, health and weigh loss challenge and Joyce Meyers 3030 challenge! January will have all 3 of these. One will go 90.days, one I'm not sure the length and one is 30 days but I'll probably do it over and over I hope! And thinking about 2015 I've been thinking about what word the Lord would have for me for the year and I came up with these four that I feel strongly are for me for 2015. Failure has been the word every year since I began the journey to a better me where my focus was on losing 200 pounds. Yes I still pray to someday lose 200 pounds. But for now I think my focus needs to be my four words for the year and different challenges each month so that I make imperfect progress but progress toward my ultimate goals. And that I learn challenge, consistency, commitment and courage. See below if u are interested in 3030 challenge and in comments about imperfect progress. Local one I am not sure if she is taking more but I can ask!
Take the Challenge!
by Joyce Meyer
How Studying God’s Word Will Literally Change Your Life
For more than 35 years now I have been studying the Word and it has drastically changed my life. It’s been the key to radical transformation in my perspectives and attitudes, and God has healed and restored my spirit, soul and body through the power in His Word. Even now, I’m still continually amazed by all of the benefits we have access to in God’s Word.

In many parts of the world, we are blessed in this day and age to have easy access to God’s Word and lots of opportunity to attend church. But at times I wonder why there are so many in church, yet we aren’t seeing the influence of God’s love and power in the world like we should. Think about it: 12 disciples turned the world upside down as a result of following Jesus. Is the Church at large today turning the world to Christ?

As I’ve prayed about this, I’ve come to a simple conclusion: If we don’t study God’s Word consistently and apply this truth to our lives, we will lack the power we need to mature in Christ and glorify God in the world.

Many people are intimidated by the word “study,” but studying God’s Word is actually simple to do and it’s extremely valuable for us. It’s not something we have to do to stay on God’s good side, and we aren’t doing God any favors when we study Scripture. The truth is, we’re doing ourselves a favor because we need this spiritual food to make our spirit strong.

There is life in the Word! Hebrews 4:12 says, “The Word that God speaks is alive and full of power.”This verse goes on to list some amazing benefits we can get from the Word:

It reveals God’s thoughts and renews our mind so we have the mind of Christ.
It teaches us wisdom we can practically apply to our lives so we know how to handle every situation we face.
It’s a book of comfort that brings healing to our lives.

The 30 30 Challenge
I really want to encourage people and help them establish a daily habit of spending time with God and studying His Word. That’s why I want to invite you to take the 30/30 Challenge. The goal is this: study the Word 30 minutes a day for 30 days.

When you sign up, you’ll find a powerful way to get the encouragement you need individually to dig deep in God’s Word and grow spiritually through the resources we’re offering on our website. It also gives you opportunities to share your progress and support others who are on this journey through interaction you can have on our Facebook page and other social media options.

To get started, you need a Bible translation you can understand; I like the Amplified Bible, but you should pick whatever works best for you. Also, some good study tools include the Vine’s Dictionary, the Webster’s 1828 American Dictionary, a concordance and a commentary.

Now, there are no “rules” you have to follow. You have freedom to be led by the Holy Spirit in finding the best approach that works for you. Here are just a few tips that will help prepare you to enjoy your study time and get the most you can out of it.

Tips to Help You Rise to the Challenge

Begin with Prayer—ask the Holy Spirit to be your Teacher and help you understand what you’re reading.
Slow down—Remember, more isn’t necessarily better; it’s about quality, not quantity.
Predetermine to obey what you learn—God will give you the grace to do it as you lean on Him.
Keep a notepad handy to jot down your thoughts and things that stand out to you.
Meditate on Scripture—mull it over in your mind throughout the day.
Approach the Word with reverence and make it a priority. The important thing is to work your schedule around God, rather than working God into your schedule.
You have the freedom to be flexible—first thing in the morning, lunchtime, during your commute to work, evening, before bedtime, etc. God will show you when to schedule your time if you’re struggling to figure it out.
Consider how you will apply what you learn to your life and the steps you will take to do it.
If you are struggling with something in your life, study scriptures that address the issue.
If something in particular struck a chord while you were studying, take time the next day to dig in to the topic more; a concordance is helpful for this.
Determine to be focused—if you are easily distracted, silence your phone and wait until you are finished to respond to emails and texts; jot down things on your to-do list if they come to mind so you can keep your focus.
Be serious about your commitment and stick with it. Consistency is key. Mark 4:24 says: The measure [of thought and study] you give [to the truth you hear] will be the measure [of virtue and knowledge] that comes back to you.
Begin your journey in faith, trusting that God wants you to come to Him. He will give you His grace—His undeserved favor, power and blessing—to enable you to learn His Word and become all He created you to be.

You can do it—take the challenge!

Thank you to all who read all this!! :)  I can use all the support and help I can get!  

Blessings,
Tami

Here is the link for Imperfect progress group.  It is done by my friend Cindy over at Well-Trained Mama https://www.facebook.com/events/1678929515666675/

Just Keep Swimming.... Fall into Fitness 21 Day fix Challenge...

So with encouragement from a wonderful friend and now my coach I decided to once again give this journey a try!  I am being told the only true failure is failing to try again...sooo I try again and keep telling myself....

So I have now done 2 challenge groups with her. I just completed the fall into fitness 21 day fix using Beachbody 21 day fix containers, body gospel workouts and little bits of what I have learned along the journey and what I continue to learn!  So I thought I would share some of what this 21 days has been like for me.  Pics and video's below.  I am learning to modify more and more.  To do anything on the floor I have to  use a crib mattress!  I have not got pics or video of that yet but maybe a later post.  

a yummy snack!  strawberries and milk :)

natural peanut butter and honey on a whole grain sandwhich thin with triscuits and hummas :)

I LOVE LOVE eggs!!! I found this easy way to separate them so that I can do one yellow and 2 or 3 whites and save some of the calories.

Asian Pepper chicken.  This was YUMM.

breakfast burrito with canadian bacon and egg

top Asian Peppers and chicken and mashed potatoes in container bottom Oatmeal  LOVE LOVE

healthy lean bbq pork, spinach and pinto beans.  pic did not turn out good

Turkey whole wheat spaghetti.  Everyone loved this!

Mexican pork loin with carrots, celery and green onions and salsa :)

Chicken and egg wrap with a smear of hummas :)

Finally found yogurt I like  Chobani Greek Yogurt!  I am going to be trying different things with greek yogurt when I have grocery money again :)

curry chicken and veggies

1 serving of peanuts

I LOVED this when I saw it!!!  I am not the butterfly yet but I so love this :)

Grilled chicken and eggs my meal eaten out staying on plan with stuff I ADORE :)

Dont remember what is in the wrap :)  haahaa

This was my first day shopping for the first challenge

I am holdin on to the above!! :)  I am FAR from done.  I will say the challenges have been a success.  They are learning opportunities and I am finding ways to do this that I pray I can do for life!  I am needing prayer for balance and getting everything done around the house and other responsibilities as well as the working out and meals and all.  I am praying as I loose more and more weight and get healthier that I will have more energy which will help all of these things.  The results from this Fall into fitness 21 day fix challenge are:

Weight 346 to 341. 6    ~  4.4 lbs

waist  54.5 to 54            ~ .5 inch

Hips 70 to 68                   ~2 inches

Chest 58 to 58               ~ 0

Right Arm 18.5 to 19   + .5 inch

Left Arm 21 to 21          ~ 0

Right Thigh 28.5 to 28   ~ .5

Left Thigh  29 to 28.5    ~ .5

I hope that some have read and are following along!! It helps me alot to have folks follow, comment, cheer, encourage etc. :)  I also pray that someday this blog and my journey will help other people :)  I am sure most have probably given up on me but I am thankful for those who keep saying TRY TRY again... just keep swimming... It is possible.  and I am the most thankful that the Lord gives me new mercies EVERY morning and HE is still working on me!

in case anyone is wondering how I am doing...

this is me yesterday at a bridal shower in the room with tons of beautiful normal size people.  It is a very eye opening picture and one I never would have posted without cropping.  It was posted in with the pics from the shower on fb and when I saw it I burst into tears.  It is the truth, my reality.  So how am I doing.. this picture shows it.  awful... emotionally and physically.  I watched an extreme weight loss episode last night that we had on dvr and I thought I could not even do the things they were having them do at the very beginning.  Before my recent back injury that slowed down my trying I was still failing.  soo there you have it.

Accountability...WHO is IN me! What it all means!?!

Today was huge for me personally!  I was at Church and the pastor was on fire and preached an amazing Word and He was talking about WHO is IN us!  Holy Spirit is a WHO!  I could type a whole blog post with the message notes and everything but being this is my journey to a better me health/weight loss blog I will focus on what God did IN me today and how it affects this and how it is accountability I am posting this now.  Pastor asks anyone who wants Holy Spirit IN them to please come to the front.  Now, my mind gets in the way here as it often does for me, and I think I have received the Holy Spirit!  I KNOW I have and I have had the power of the Spirit work in and through me.  I pray in the spirit and when I become afraid or in danger I almost shout pray in the Spirit.  Something overtakes and it just comes out. I can't contain it.  So I am thinking though I want fresh and new and more, this is not my time to go up because I have Holy Spirit IN me!

So then Pastor says this is not about a gift, If you are saying I spoke in tongues last week, oh well, this is about HOLY SPIRIT IN you!  When he said that I knew I needed to go up.  Earlier in his message Pastor spoke about deadbolts on our heart, things and parts of us we locked away.  That is me!  So up I go pushing Jeremiah in his chair.  I am thankful for that chair because as I have shared standing for long periods is physically painful and very difficult.  leaning on the chair help. Anyway Pastor prays and releases some folks to go and pray over folks that were wanting Holy Spirit IN.  But he tells us that they are praying WITH us not for us.  I begin to pray and I cannot even put totally into words what all was going on in and through me during this time.  I have had deadbolts and chains and who knows what else on my heart and on me to keep me safe.  I know this whole journey of my life and my journey to salvation and every step of my Christian walk has been well a little along.  God showed me visually today I could see and kinda feel the layers of me!  The layers of fat.  I am and have been like an onion.  It is not the first time that sympbolism has been given to me by the Lord but today was just different.  I had to open up the very deepest parts of ME inside and allow Holy Spirit to come in, He has come in and lived in me but He was not all the way in because He got to a point and the lock was there.  I am not sure this is making ANY sense to anyone at all but it sorta is to me.  So back to this morning and what I saw and felt.  It is almost like a zipper down the front of me that I need to unzip and literally peel the layers of fat away to allow HIM access to the deepest parts of me.  YES He is God , YES HE could have that access BUT I have the free will to lock myself down and withouth even fully knowing it I am still locked down.  at one point pastor says open your hands and LET GO!  That is huge for me it seems.  I have to literally LET Go of the weight, let go of the control to protect myself from whatever it is I think I need protecting.  I saw that I do not let anyone all the way in even Holy Spirit.  Somehow the weight has something to do with all this.  I have heard self help shows on tv where they always talk about its emotional eating and I think I do not eat when upset, I do not eat when afraid, I do not turn to food because I am mad etc.  I do not think there is the big thing that I need a psychologist to help me through so I can loose the weight.  BUT  today I was shown by God it is a barrier around me.  It is something that keeps me safe.  Do I want to loose weight, yes with everything in me, but something very very deep inside my heart soul and spirit I think is holding onto the weight as a protection.  If it is gone then I am exposed.  Does this make any sense?  I am still digesting this all and it is hard to explain what I saw but I literally saw like unzipping the front of myself and pulling back the fat and saying to Holy Spirit FILL ME!  Come ALL the way in!  I open up and allow You IN me!  All the way IN ME.  While I am seeing this it is almost like I can FEEL it pullling away.  Not a painful thing but a well sort of a lighting feeling. I am opening my hands and its like I am opening the deadbolts.  I am literally letting Holy Spirit in to fully fill me!

I so wanted to get this down so that I could look back on it, not forget it and remember it and now I can't seem to find the words to share it.  uggh  But what does it all mean?  I think in a way that even though I have said this is my journey with God to loosing this weight  I have not really given it to God.  I have not LET GO.  I think this weight loss journey is about way way more than I ever dreamed it was.  God can transform me from the inside out IF I allow Him INSIDE me.  I have to start peeling back the layers and KEEPING the deadbolts open, giving HIM the key.  I said it over and over HOLY SPIRIT COME, HOLY SPIRIT FILL ME ALL OF ME DEEP IN ME!  IN IN IN.  Yes it was and is scary and HOW do I do it? How do I keep it going?  I am not totally sure.  All of this is happeningand going on in me and then a lady that I so look up to comes up to me and begins praying.  Some things she spoke seemed right now and my phyiscal body reacted to and some seemed like I did not think there was anything else there but maybe.  I thank God for praying people in my life to walk up beside me and lay a hand on me and lift before the throne!  I also thank God that today He showed me literal things that I have between us and that I have locked out the very Holy Spirit from being all the way in.  I NEED alot of prayer as I go forward, as I figure out what this means, and what I need to do but I know something big happened in me today at that alter. I know that I opened up more than I ever have in my life to Holy Spirit.  I begged for Holy Spirit to come into the deepest parts of me that I have locked away.  I feel in some way this is a pivital point in this journey but not sure how or why.  I feel that I need this on this blog to be accountable to remember that the weight HAS to go.  It has to start going and I have to not only focus on tracking food, drinking water, and getting exercise but I need to consciously pull down that zipper and peel back the layers of fat that lock down ME.  Please be in prayer and please hold me accountable.  Ask me how its going, ask me what if anything I am learing about peeling it back and when I get afraid if I start having weight loss success PRAY I do not rebound and feel exposed and sabatoge myself.

Challenge is over

So the 5 day Clean Eating Challenge ended yesterday and today was weigh in day!  I am beyond floored that my weight loss was so big considering I did not do everything right according to the plan any day the entire 5 days.  But I am down to 336.4  That is 13. 6 lbs.  HUGE.  I was afraid the challenge leader would think I was making it up it is so huge.  I also feel like I have gained sooooo much knowledge and many ideas.  I have to get so much better and finding $ deals in the store so I can eat better and better.  I also need to keep trying to move.  I am still in severe pain but something feels different.

This picture shows 10 lbs of fat.  I am not sure if I actually lost that much fat, some of this 13 lbs is water but still kinda neat to see what 10 lbs looks like of unhealthy weight.

For those who asked: Clean Eating is just trying to eat foods that are closest to the original source as possible meaning less processed. More eating fresh food not boxed. Fruit, Vegetables, Poultry, Fish, lean red meat if any.  Food with no ingredient list are best.  Apple has no ingredient list but fruit snacks do for instance. And trying to stay away from things with NO nutritional value at all.

This was a picture I took Day 1  Shopping and then a picture of my lunch!  1/2 can of tuna in water mixed with hummas and a whole grain tortilla and some pickles.  Much healthier than .15 cent ramen noodles. 

I have learned so much through this challenge and really loved the fb group of folks doing it along with me and how wonderul it was to see what others were eating and doing and having the encouragement of Cindy from Well trained Mama each day!  I am in tears it is over and wish that she would do another one but for 10 days this time!  

I love how God speaks right to us where we are in ways we might not think.  One of the first things I see on FB this morning as I get on to relax a minute on this saturday morning is a devotional link to one of the proverbs 31 ministries authors.  The picture with the length got me!

Boy that screamed out at me.  I feel so broken in so many ways between weight, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and other health stuff, my own battle with feeling I let God and family down every day etc.  So I so needed to see this today.  I wanted to share some with you and how it fit for me today.

The setting is of a woman caught in sin and the leaders and people are outraged by her sin. Sometimes I feel that others are outraged at me by my weight, sometimes the things they say, the looks they give, the degrading remarks, the condsending remarks etc feel like this is how they see me.  And no matter the total reasons behind my weight gain and weigh loss struggle it is something that defines how people see and view me just as in this woman's case.
“All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” John 8:7b (NLT) - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf
Jesus is telling them if you have never done anything wrong in any way then go ahead and stone her condem her.  How many of these could have secretly had the same sin but not been caught?  How many folks that make jokes about obese people binge eat or drink at times, or do something similar or even totally different.  NONE of us is perfect.  NO I am not making an excuse.  I know there were some major contributing factors to me being like I am and those who look on me do not know that but does it really matter?  You never know what someone is really like no matter what your view of them says.

“Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’ ‘No, Lord,’ she said. And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.’” John 8:10-11 (NLT) - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf

This is so huge!  Jesus does not condemn her!  HE LOVES HER!! He sees more, more than see sees!  Read on...
But Jesus saw more when He looked at that woman. He looked past her sin and shame and saw her value — a value she most likely didn’t even see in herself. - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf
THIS JUMPED OFF THE PAGE AT ME!  My newest prayer lately since something that was said in Church recently is to see ME as Jesus sees ME.  If I can learn to love ME like HE does then maybe I can start to really change the feelings deep inside.  Is that weight loss, NO, but it is better health and that is part of my journey!  Being a healthier better me!!! and then the devotion goes on to jump at me again...

But Jesus knew her worth. Her value. He knew the purposes for which He’d created her. And He wanted her to know that, too.

None of us is a throwaway person, because no one is ever beyond repair in God’s eyes. He is the ultimate restorer of people, hearts and lives. Restoration brings transformation, and the faith to believe our lives truly do matter to God.

Lord, thank You for loving me, despite me. Help me see the value You see in me and to trust You have an amazing plan for my future. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

The above was their prayer written in the devotion but I am so praying it too for my life!

TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Ephesians 1:7, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace.” (ESV)

- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf

This picture was on fb this week and I saved it!!  I wish I was talented enough to take it and put MY picture it in rather than this girl!  My reminder that even when I have given up on myself and feel everyone else has given up on me and feel so alone in the world Father God is always there!!!  

So where do I go from here?  I am not positive but I know this I have gotten my try back!  I am praying the Lord will show me the support and encouragement and the way for the next day, the next week, the next month etc.  I began this challenge with a new top weight higher than when I have started every other time.  I pray with all that is in me that I never have a top weigh higher.  I can literally remember being just below 225 and saying I will never go above 225 and thinking I was the fatest person on earth.  350 is insane as is 336.4 so I pray beyond pray that little by little I can do this.  I am even hoping the dr ordered PT for my arm to strengthen it will somehow help in this journey for the weight loss and health!  The BIGGEST challenge I will have is keeping on keeping on, even when it feels impossible, even when the worse news comes, even when someone I love is taken, even when reality of my babies prognosis is thrown in my face again, even when I can barely afford groceries and have to eat whatever I can, even when I hurt so much I can't get out of bed.  I have to keep on keepin on try to do something right towards my good health.  

BEING REAL, VERY REAL...Clean Eating Challenge... A new Beginning??? MAYBE

So I am here with no loss.  I am at 350 lbs.  This seems totally impossible to me and to be quite honest it might be.  I seem to be able to loose at some times but not too much.  I have yet to get under 300 and seem bigger each time I begin again after I can't keep it going.  Finances and life situation have made things harder including have to let my membership to the wonderful gym I was going to with water aerobics and elliptical and classes go :(  This so saddened me but it had been difficult to go because of the timing of the child care that I was not able to get good use out of the expense anyway and we just flat out can not afford it.  But I know there are others that loose weight and are not in water class.  With my pain levels it has been challenging and to be quite honest I just flat gave up :( So fast forward to this week.  A very dear friend is doing an online fb group Clean eating challenge. 5 days! She has asked me to try and participate.  for 5 days I have committed to this challenge which includes some clean eating that she has given as a guide and at least 30 min a day exercise.  As a kick off to this 5 days that I hope jump starts me into weight loss and getting healthier again I decided to post to this blog.  To make a list of things that I HATE about being 350 lbs.  Maybe this will help me to remember what I have to gain by loosing.  I pray this 5 days leads to me getting back to loosing weekly like I did when I was on weight watchers and once I am back loosing that I can figure out how to keep it up to get to under 300, then under 250, thenunder 200, then down to 125.  It is a dream, I am not sure I believe anymore that sometimes dreams just might come true, but because of a friends encouragement, because of a friend that believes I can do this 5 days, just maybe just maybe this is a new beginning.

now my list
1) I hate not being able to jump and dance in worship at Church like my heart, mind, spirit and even in ways my body longs to do.  I feel like it really does interfere with my worship because worship is how I feel the closest to God!  I could go to worship service and be happy 12 hours later and feel so thick in the spirit and close to God.  But the bigger I get the more held back I feel physically and spiritually and emotionally.
2) I hate not being able to stand around and visit.  Sounds crazy and if you are of a weight where this is not an issue be thankful for that blessing.  Seems the entire world stands around and visits.  Standing for any length of time is excruciatingly painful to me and wears me even more out.  I know I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but I also know there are very thin people that have these things and I wonder how they dont just gain more and more weight.  For so long I managed to keep going with the pain but the last few months every move is painful.  Doing anything in and above what I have to do to keep my babies cared for is almost tear producing at the thought.  BUT I know my body and I know if I dont exercise change wont come. I can quit eating all together but I do not exercise it wont help.  Anyway back to not being able to stand.  Seems like such a simple thing to just stand around but at 350 lbs it is not simple at all.
3. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing me there.  NOTHING looks good on me, I do not know what it is like to look in there and think that outfit looks great.  I just do not.  I can remember years ago in my 200's there were at least times I could say oh this outfit looks becoming and moreso than that one etc.  now it makes no difference what I where I look huge.  just huge and nothing looks good at all.
4.  I hate the looks, the snickers, the jokes, I know they are all right but I still hate them.
5. I hate it being painful to try and sit in some chairs.  Taking my son to a movie without arms that are moveable is literally painful the entire move as I squeeze myself in and fat pops out below and on top of the armrest and it digs into me. At Church the sides of the chair are metal with the seat in between.  It is painful to sit at Church because I am so fat I am on the metal and hanging over it.  So it hurts to sit and it hurts to stand so being there is physically hard but emotionally and spiritually I need and want to be there.  Crazy.
6. I hate feeling I did this to myself but feeling hopeless to change it and to be honest feeling that maybe I am just suppose to be this way.  I know everyone says its all in and out.  its all how much you eat based on how much you burn.  but I know people who seem to not follow that path and can eat whatever they want.  does it make them healthy?  probably not.  but at least it makes then normal, thinner, acceptable.
7.  I hate watching life go by while I sit and hurt.
8. I hate judging everything in life by is there any possible way I can do that, will there be a place to sit, will I fit, will I be able to make it and would anyone really want me to in the first place.
9. I hate wondering what those I care about and those I do not really know really think of me.  I wonder do they feel about me what I feel about myself?  Do they know I feel like a prisoner inside my fat body?  Do they know how much I want to join their world and go and do and be and serve and help and and and?
10.  I hate being me, I hate that it is hard to even take care of my own self, I hate rashes and odors and pain to do basic self care.  I hate 350 lbs.  I hate that I am SUPER MORBIDLY OBESE.  Alot of folks would love to be considered SUPER.  But this super is not one anyone want to be.  I hate the way I feel inside.

I am almost at the point of wondering if there is any hope but I so do see the risk so that brings me to number

11.  I hate that the risk of me dying from this is very very real.  I hate that when I have a twinge or feel my heart jump in my throat that I worry and fear is this it.  I hate that people die of obesity and that even while still here on earth part of life is gone because of the obesity because I can't live life normally and the way I want.  

So there you have it.  If anyone is still reading yes I am trying this yet again.  I have lost count of how many times I have started this journey and failed.  I am not sure I even have hope in myself to make the 5 days much less longer but I will take it one step at a time.

Many Many prayers needed and appreciated.  As well as cheerleaders and supporters.  

A letter from a 336 lb me

Dear Tamijoy,

This letter is from a 336 lb me.  Today was so rough.  Right now I feel like this journey is useless and never going to happen.  I feel like its impossible.  I am wondering if there is anybody inside me waiting to be the healthy Tamijoy.  It is strange how I can go from being so encouraged to being distraught and hopeless.  I was the HUGE woman at the gym today on the machines through tears.  The one feeling like a HUGE eyesore in the room.  The one who got stuck on not one but TWO machines and had to roll around and struggle to get off of them, that is me.  The one who felt like all the normal size people were looking at with disgust.  I am trying to tell myself I am wrong, I am trying to tell myself that someday a thin, healthy, beautiful Tamijoy will read this letter and remember what it was like to be the 336 lb me.  IF by some miracle this journey to beat this super morbid obesity actually comes to completion I NEVER EVER want to be here again!  I want to REMEMBER what this feels like and how hard this is so that I will NEVER allow myself to regain the weight if I loose it.  I am telling myself now to say WHEN not if but today if seems even doubtful.  My heart hurts that I am the way I am, that it feels so hard to figure out how to fit myself on the machines, how to even have a day out with my son and not be a spectacle trying to get up and down off the floor.  I am telling myself by writing this letter it is better than stuffing these feelings and quitting trying.  I know there are no quick fixes but this seems like such a long impossible journey.  I need to remember that not every day will feel like this and just maybe someday a 125 lb Tamijoy might read this letter and never be in this place again.  For now I cry and try to find the strength to try again another day.  Remember whatever size you are reading this that your life is at stake here, your phsyical life, and your quality of life, your ability to really live and do things that the rest of the world does without thinking.  For now I am trying to learn to trust, to believe, and to love the Tamijoy inside dying to get out and to stop this pain in my heart :(

Prayers please in the loss of my Aunt Dorothy!

Please keep our family in prayer.  We have had a huge loss in the death of my Aunt Dorothy.  I can't even express how much I love this woman or how close to her I am.  I am so so so much better because she loved me!

Personalize your own announcement

January 7th weigh in update

I think belief is something I NEED to work on.  I have a hard time seeing that this is possible and that I can do it at all and then that I can keep it off long term when I do.  Last week I weighed in on Wednesday because I wanted a first day of the year weight but I am doing Tuesday this week and think I will leave it at Tuesdays unless I get to go back to TOPS on Monday evenings and change it Monday.

Still loving this scale!!! :)  

WEIGH IN

Loss for the week: 1. 2 lbs

Starting weight:345 lbs

Last weigh in: 340.2 lbs

Current weight: 339 lbs

Total loss to date: 6 lbs

Total Percentage Lost of start weight 1.7 %

BMI: 54.7

Pounds left to loose: 194

Of course I wish I had lost more, at least 2 lbs + but I am totally happy that I did not gain and I went down the 1.2 lbs.  Looking at 1 lb of fat helps me to think that is that much less on my body now!!

I like this one.  The belief part has to come from partly my mind and the rest my heart.  

Liked this one too, this week I am so so sick and not doing all I can and its frustrating me!  It is hard to not think after all this I wont ever do it.  But I know I have the helper of the universe and I have to believe that THROUGH HIM I can do anything!!

I think the Lord is trying to tell me something!!  I keep finding things about BELIEVE!!  I am working on finding my word for 2014 like some friends have done at Fitness Lady and have been thinking and praying about it.  Wondering if Believe might end up being my word!

If you have any fitness tips please share!  Some I may take, others not but always great to hear from others and if you have links to fb pages or blogs let me know!!