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Saturday, December 29, 2012

1 Year Anniversary of beginning Journey to a better me again

So today marks 1 year!  One Year since I had a come to meeting with Jesus about what my state of health was, about the fact I am super morbidly obese, about the fact that at this weight I am critical, that super morbid obesity is deadly.  I was desperate to loose it all AGAIN, convinced I was actually going to really do this, that just maybe with enough help, enough emotional support, enough gym time, enough enough enough.  Well I can say I am smaller than I was then, but overall I must say that I have failed in this year.  Here are the stats for me for now and then for a year ago.

Loss for the week: +2bls
Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 333 lbs
Total loss to date: 12 lbs
Total Percentage Lost: 3.5 %
BMI: 53.7
Pounds left to loose: 188
Starting Weight: 345
Current Weight: 345
Total loss to date: 0 lbs
Total Percentage Lost: 0 %
BMI: 55.7
Pounds left to loose: 200

My life and weight in the past year has been a total YO YO!  Sigh  My emotions have as well!  The facts are I lost 12 lbs in the last year that stayed off.  I lost up to 35 lbs at one point but at this point it is only 12 lbs.  My BMI is down 2 pts and my weight loss total is 3.5 percent.  I am HAPPY that I have lost the 12 and prayerful that it will stay gone.  I am not happy that after a year that is all I have managed to do.  I have been up and down with this in my mind and emotions and spirit.  I am a different person this Dec 29th than I was last year even if only 12 lbs difference in weight.  I have kinda come full circle.  I became obsessed with the loss, obsessed with recording it and sharing and having the praise from others when I did loose.  Through counsel kinda decided it had become more about pleasing those following along than about me and the journey so I backed off a bit and quit sharing, quit tracking, quit letting the journey to weight loss encompass me and what ws going on with me.  Now as I sit and look back over the last year and see that stopping tracking, stopping sharing, stopping obsessing about it is when it stopped working.  So now I am at a loss.  WHY can't I have the motivation to do this privatly and alone?  Why is it that if I have folks following along I can do better and actually loose and when I dont the support for that helps charge me on to getting back up and trying again!  It is about me and about not dying, but I have always been a person that cares GREATLY what others think so maybe I can't do this alone, maybe I do have to have that support to make it through.  Maybe I do need folks to be SICK of hearing about me and the journey.  I DO NOT KNOW.  What I do know a year later is that I am still very ILL.  I am HUGE and my body limits what I can do daily. What I can do for my Lord.  What I can do for husband and children.  What I can do in my home.  What I can do in my Church.  What I can do in every activity and group I am a part off.  Every decision still involves can I physically do that, will I FIT if I do that or go there.  and on and on daily life is affected by this monstor that is me!  I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER.  The blub or something!  Inside I just feel like this trapped little girl that has become a monster!  I know that sounds crazy!  but it is how I feel.  So where do I go from here?
Part of me feels like I should just give up! Like maybe I am just meant to be this way and this big.  But then there is a part of me that is desperate and says I WANT TO LIVE!  I want to live a LONG time and I want to actually LIVE while I am here not just exist!! So as I look back over the weight loss progress I am trying to think about what was going on then.  What I was doing then and I guess maybe I will just keep trying.  My thyroid issue get wrapped into all this somehow and I need to deal with that too.  My first plan is when I have copay I will go to my doctor and see if we can get these medications regulated for my thyroid and insulin reistence.  I will discuss my fibromyalgia as well with her.  And ask about some supplements that have been recommended.  I do not think any of that is a quick fix but they may be keys to help me overall be a better me even if not necessarily helpful with losing the weight. 
So as I go through this one year anniversary day I have alot of praying to do and I have to figure out how to continue.  Part of me wants to say begin AGAIN but last dec tha tis what I did.  There were many bumps and ups and downs but I am still on the journey so I dont reckon it is beginning again as much as continuing and maybe figuring out a way to increase my speed!  I have rejoined Weight Watchers online and will also try to do some stuff at My fitness Pal as well.  I may not track at My fitness pal but at least hopefully have some support of friends there.    I need to do this in an emotionally healthy way and figure out a way to have that emotional support and encouragement but still be doing it for me! 
I have been talking at length this week with God about all this.  I know HE is my biggest answer to EVERY problem I face.  For those that do not know we have been with out nursing for months but now have a nurse again.  Partly so that I can have someone safe iwth Jeremiah so I can work out at the gym and such,, and partly to help me with the kids during school and therapy so that everyone has all their needs met including me during each day.  Also, for those that do not know Bobby lost his job Nov 13th.  We despretly need prayer for a job and one or 2 that pay enough to pay our mortgage and bills.  I feel like 2012 has been such a despretly hard year and that I must not be learnign the lessons the Lord has for me to learn.  I am sad to admit I am SCARED and I am having to force myself to speak peace. to speak trust. to speak faith about so many areas onf my life right now.  Over my concern for Bobby having a job and how our faimly will make it.  over my weight loss journey over my health and over my very life. 

Someone said to me that if I had cancer nobody would think it odd that I shared about how the treatment was going, asked for prayer along the way etc.  So why is it odd for trying to heal from this disease of super morbid obesity.  I am not sure how I feel about whta or not or that it is a proper comparission but it does bring it back to me that this weight CAN kill me.  I am in a fight.  I have to find the energy and whatever it is I need to fight for my life.

I went and got my weight loss weigh ins that I have tracked over the past year and put them all on a new page on the blog above called TamiJoy's Weight Loss Progress. Here it is minus pics and such if you are interested.

Starting (AGAIN) Date December 29, 2011
Starting weight: 345
Height: 5' 6"
12/29/12 ~ 345 first weigh in!
1/1/12 ~342.2 {-2.8 lbs}
1/4/12 ~ 336.4 { - 5.8 lbs}
1/9/12 ~ 334.4 {-2 lbs}
1/16/12 ~331.6 {-2.8 lbs}
1/23/12 ~329.4 { -2.2 lbs}
1/30/12 ~ 329 {- .4 lbs}
2/6/12 ~ 328.2 {. 08 lbs}
2/13/12 ~323.8 {-4.4 lbs}
2/20/12 ~323 { -.8 lbs}
2/27/12 ~322 { -1 lb}
3/6/12 ~ 322 { maintained}
3/12/12 ~ 326 { + 4 lbs }
3/19/12 ~ 328 { + 2 lbs}
3/26/12 ~ 321.6 { -6.4 lbs}
4/01/12 ~ 321.6 { maintain}
4/08/12 ~ 319.2 { -2.4 lbs}
4/12/12 ~ 316.6 { - 2.6 lbs}
4/22/12~ 315.4 { - 1.2 lbs}
4/29/ 12 ~ no weigh in
5/06/12 ~ 314 { - 1.4 lbs}
5/14/12 ~ 322 {+ 8 lbs }
5/20/12 ~ 319.8 { - 2.2 lbs}
5/27/12 ~ 318 { - 1.8 lbs}
6/03/12 ~ 316 { - 2 lbs}
6/10/12 ~ 314.4 { -1.6 lbs}
6/17/12 ~ 313 { -1.4 lbs}
6/24/12 ~ 312.2 { .08 lbs}
7/02/12 ~ 310 { - 2.2 lbs}
7/16/12 ~ 320 { + 10 lbs}
7/23/12 ~ 316 { - 4 lbs}
8/01/12 ~ 313 { - 3 lbs}
8/30/12 ~ 313 { maintain}
10/18/12 ~ 325 { + 12 lbs}
10/25/12 ~ 325 { maintain}
12/03/12 ~330.2 ~ { + 5.2 lbs}
12/10/12 ~ 331 { +.8 lbs}
12/29/12 ~ 333 { +2 lb} One year Mark
Total lost in one year 12 lbs

Sunday, November 25, 2012


That is the only title I can come up with as I post tonight.  I doubt anybody still is reading the "Journey" blog but just in case thought I would post and I guess for me I need to post.  It hit me after the hardest week in I do not know when for our family that it is almost been a year since I began this journey again and said THIS TIME I would do it.  THIS TIME I would not give up.  THIS TIME would work.  Well like so many things in life THIS TIME I failed again!  December 29th is a year and it is fast approaching.  At last weigh in I am 325.  Down from 345 last year on Dec 29th but not as far down as I got and not even under 300.  I could not even get that done in 11 months.  I guess I should be happy I have mainI am tained at least 20 lbs of the loss.  and I am.  I fear this is totally impossible for me to do.  I just dont know.  Sometimes I wonder if some people are just meant to be super morbidly obese.  Lately I also wonder if some people are meant to be poor forever.  For anyone who does not know my hubby is without a job again.  He lost the WONDERFUL Railroad job that had such good pay and benefits and a good future for us.  we are TRYING to trust God and be thankful for HIS protection in that for some reason tha twas not a good job for Bobby we guess.  PRAYING hard for a new job.  Anyway I am off my subject of my failed journey.  As I reflect on the past 11 months and the name of this blog now.  A Journey to a better me!  Well, am I better 11 monts later.  humm  one could say in some ways yes but most would say no.  I am 20 lbs less so I guess that is better and I have learned alot both health wise and spiritually.  I was diagnosed with thyroid issues and medication started and stopped several times.  I am this week back on medication and trying that.  I have added b12 to help with the Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue so that is good.  I still have a gym membership though have not been able to use it in months.  BUT a new nurse is set to start this week (if it happens this time) which will allow me at least a couple days a week at the gym again.  The fact I miss the gym could maybe be stated as better.  I just really dont know.  Spiritually till this last couple weeks I thought I was doing so much better and being changed from the inside out but now I just dont know that either.  The day Bobby lost his job we also lost his sister.  Within hours of each other. As I spent the last 4 hours of her life in the room with her and our family  I had so many questions for God.  I still do.  I feel guilty that I am questioning things.  The thoughts I have lately are just scary to me and I pray the Lord forgives me for these doubts and fears.  Anyway I just recently rejoined ww online and so that will continue to come out of my disability as will they gym because I have a contract for that.  I would love to say I am gonna do this, I am gonna make THIS TIME the time.  THIS YEAR 2013 coming up THE YEAR.  But with ALL my heart I believe 2012 was my year and I failed.  Again.  so I just can't say at this point.  I am sorry for everyone I let down.  My hat is off to my friends Charlotte who lost over 200 lbs and Danita who lost over 100 lbs.  I can't loose 50 much less over 200.  Yall are amazing women and my hero's.  I can say this journey to a better me is not over cuz I am not dead yet, I am not being cut out of my house and buried in the piano box yet.  And I pray it never happens.  Right now it is hard to come up with the energy to keep dishes clean clothes clean and kids needs met so it overwhlems me to think about doing anything else but there is a tiny something deep inside that still wants to try but then sense tells me you have failed so many times.  I mean if enough people tell you tha tyou are drunk lie down.  If you are reading this thank you for caring and again I am sorry I let you down.
me and the babies before Bobby's sister ( my sis since we got married) memorial service.

Friday, September 28, 2012


I have to say this UNGLUED Bible study is reading my mail!  Wow!!!!  I will repost something from my last post and then go on from there :)  It is obvious to me more and more the LORD drew me to this study because I so need it! :)

I wanted to share this from the first chapter of unglued with you all because it spoke so loudly to me this morning:

" Imperfect Changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace....imperfect progress. "

"Progress. Just make progress. It's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It's okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again-and again. Just make sure you are moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good."

HOW perfect was that for me!!!! It had a connection to an important event in my past! ONLY GOD would know that! Lysa Trrkeurst who is the auther of Unglued and penned those words to herself had NO CLUE God would use those words so loudly for me and I am sure others as well! So many areas of my life have been covered by that quote above. As for the weight loss journey I guess I am saying I am drawing a line in the sand a little further ahead that it was back in December. 25 lbs closer to the 200 lbs weigh loss goal, a little smarter, a little more educated, and definitly knowing more that the weight loss journey can't be separate from me, from the journey of life for me period. I have to work on ALL of me for any of me to change and become the better me I long for! If you have been following along you know the butterfly has become a symbol for me for this journey! I am not the beautiful butterfly yet, but I am emerging and transforming and on the journey to that butterfly! All of this, the steps back even, the changes, the pain, everything is a part of it to bring upon the transformation! I pray that this is making sense and that somehow , someway, some day this can help someone else too.
The Journey to a better me is happening from the inside out!  This Unglued Study is showing me how being a woman who is UNGLUED so much affects every aspect of my life and who I am as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend and a child of God!  I read and reread this chapter because I so felt it was God speaking directly through Lysa to me!  Then I read chapter 2! 

I'm not a freak out woman! That is the title!  for ME lately especially it should be I AM a Freak Out Woman!  To many times I am out of control and I get so angry with myself!  So yet again I am seeing the Lord drawing me in the answer my prayers through tears to him to help me to not be this woman I do not like, and to be the woman my husband, my children, my friends, and my God needs me to be!  :)  In this Chapter it helped me so much to hear that I AM NOT ALONE in being this way at times!  That was HUGE for me.  This spoke so loudly to me, I COULD have written this rather than Lysa, the author:
     "There would be no Proverbs 31ish award given to me that night.
        No kids to rise and call me blessed
        No husband bragging about me at the city gate
       No laughing for days to come.
       Indeed, nothing but tears and regret.  Big huge piles of regret." (chap 2)
That was so good for me to read, to see there is someone else than can understand how I feel about myself at times when I am that freak out woman!  I think it helps me to see that there is hope, there is a chance to be a better me in this area because if others have been there and its not just that I am INSANE then we can work with this :) 

I am holding on to this scripture she brought out in the chapter.
" Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the reneweing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is.  His good, pleasing and perfect will"  Romans 12:2

TRANSFORMED!  That is part of this journey for me.  Being Transformed into a better me!  Into the beautiful butterfly!  So confirmation to me that YES this journey to health, this journey to live through super morbid obesity, this journey to a better ME, all starts with the renewing of my mind!  It starts inside me!  Allowing the Lord to get inside and change me deep  in me and trusting Him more and more! 

Another couple of quotes that spoke to me this week with the Unglued study! :)  So I wanted to share these too :)
"I can ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel good"
and this one was huge for me!
"I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control"  THANK YOU JESUS!  I NEED to remember this one! :)
"We can't always fix our circumstances but we can fix our minds on God"

and lastly "one good choice.. Imperfect Progress"

So just one good choice and I am making progress!  :)  I am a tiny bit closer and a tiny bit better!  The transformation is happening!  The goal is to be the beautiful butterfly!  But the JOURNEY and the transformation process is the time when I am learning and knowing God so much better and knowing ME better! :)

Soo, if this spoke to you in any way please share! :)  I am going to join a blog hop with this Unglued study!  if you find me through that please say hi!  :)  Hoping to meet other women on their own journey! :)  For my friends supporting me as always, please say Hi and let me know you are there! :) 

Praying a great weekend for all who read this!  And hope you are making Imperfect progress! :)  Off to work on some more baby steps!!!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Redefining the Journey

So I thought it was about time I updated the blog again.  Its been 5 weeks this time since I did.  If anyone is still following along on this journey I do not know.  If I have let those who are or were following along down I am sorry.  Alot has been going on these past few weeks.  NOT in the area of weight loss, BUT in the area of the journey to a better me.  As for weight loss I am at 320 today.  That is still 25 lbs down from my original start weight but a few pounds up from where I had gotten down.  I titled this post Redining the Journey because I have realized that there is so much more to this journey than just weight loss.  YES , I am still morbidly obese, YES I still NEED to loose weight, YES, I still want to live, to loose weight and to be a better me overall.  But I am finding there is alot more to this journey for me than just eating less and working out as much as I can.  First and foremost is learning balance!  I say learning because I do not have that figured out yet.  I have found I can track everything I eat and work out and focus continally on the weight loss, or I can focus completely on the kids and trying to keep the house in order and family life going.  And to be quite honest I can't do even BOTH of those things well.  I can do the kids and all their needs and activities awesome, but then the house falls apart, or I can get the house in great shape but only if I skip things they need and spending time with them.  Balance!  I have to come up with a way to do the KIDS, the husband who gets lost in it all, the beautiful grown daughter who yes is in the KIDS but also as an adult child is also in another area of wanting and needing to spend time with her on a different level, the mother living with me, the house, the food journay, the working out, etc etc.  I am just not very good at any of it in reality.  And in addition to all that in the inside me, the Tamijoy way down deep inside all the weight, all the pain of the Fibro and such, inside all the feelings, worries, etc.  The one that is a child of the living God.  Who at one minute can say I am a princess because my Father is the King of Kings!  and the next minute I am awful because I am failing my Lord, My husband, my children, my mom, my home, my church, and everyone who was cheering me on in my journey.  I am failing my own self.  Its a strange thing.  I have been praying and praying for the Lord to help, to reveal things to me, to change me, to mold me.  Well, little by little events have happened in the past few weeks that I can say without a doubt that the Lord has His hand on me and is showing me and guiding me.  I need to change, that is so true.  My weight needs to change, my balance needs to change, my health needs to change and the little child of God deep inside needs to change.  God is showing me I need to start on the inside and work my way out!  God began healing me from the inside out many years ago from alot of things.  And yes I am free from the bondage I was in at that time, I am healed in ways , or maybe I am still healing on a daily basis and am not there yet.  Not sure completley.  But I know that all that had to happen for the Lord to bring me the blessings I prayed so hard for and I feel I am in that place again.  Back before a symbolic line in the sand was drawn for me to step over and only look back to see how far God has brought me, well.  I am at that place again in life.  First and foremost I need to work on my relationship with the Lord, and with my family.  I spend so much time telliing myself what I should be doing, feeling guilty for not doing some things, or not being able to be at Church, or this or that or the other thing.  Being a Christian, a child of God, is not about religion, its not about being in Church every time the doors open or even which Church you are in, its not about reading such and such verses out of obligation or sticking to such and such schedule that I ahve decided I have to do to be a good Christian.  It is about a relationship with the Lord!  Relationships have ALWAYS been hard for me and as much as I want to be the kind of Christian woman I think I am suppose to be, I put up some walls myself and other events have put up some walls.  So the true beginning of this joureny to a better me needs to be drawing closer to the Lord.  As He has been revealing this to me He has also brought about events that have put me in places to really work on who I am in HIM!  He totally changed all my plans for what I thought this year would hold for me and the kids!  One is MOPS!  Mother's of Preschoolers International Ministry!  I thought I was looking for a co-op or for some activities for Noah for his school year.  I spent so much time looking at what I thought his needs were.  The Lord promptly blew up all my plans and through no other possibility than the hand of God flat out let me know that we needed to do MOPS this year.  Even at that point I thought it was about NOAH!  And right before the first meeting I began to think, maybe it is a bit about me too, as a bonus.  Then the first meeting came and I saw more and more what MOPS year focus was and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was about ME!  Noah gets the bonus!  So that is a huge blessing in our lives right now.  Then I get invited by a very very dear friend, who actually was involved in my drawing a line in the sand to step over so many years ago, invite me to join a twice a month Ladies Bible Study on women of the Bible and how they impact our lives as women of God today.  And the Lord strongly said YOU are to do this!  :)  So I signed up and that begins on Tuesday Night :)  Very excited to see what the Lord has to show me through that.  Right around that same time some online adoption friends began talking about an online Bible Study that sounded so great and I thought that is so neat.  And then they began a FB group that they will all discuss the Bible study and such and I again thought how great but I am fixing to start a Bible Studay and I have MOPS and so much on my plate and all.  Well the Lord kept putting it before me about the Online Study they were doing and how many adoption friends through the years with special needs children were in it and it became obvious to me the Lord was wooing me to that too!  And through shaking fingers I signed up and bough the book for the study!  WHAT have I done?  MOPS, an in depth online Bible Study using the book UNGLUED, and the local Ladies Bible Study!  Have I lost it to add so much to my plate that I already have going??  Well, maybe!  lol but I really feel like the Lord has written my schedulue for this year and what HE wants me to focus and spend time on.  In addition to all that he brought a new friend into my life who happens to be a Christian and of Chinese Heritage and we will be helping each other with the boys every other week on the weeks we don't have MOPS.  Noah and I will be learning some Mandarin, and we will help her with learning to homeschool her son and we will experience worship in Mandarin as well as english!  :)  Now I am sure if you have even read this far you are wondering how this has anything to do with a weight loss journey!  Well, I think in the long run it will!  and of course the Journey is to a better me, and being spiritually better, being the woman of God, HE has for me to be, is definitly a better me!  My prayer is that all this time with the Lord and working on my relationship with HIM and to be able to have a better relationship with my family and with Church family, friends, etc that it is all going to work for good and help me to do better with the weight loss too. 

Another thing I felt the Lord impress upon me was the weight loss journey became about trying to please others, to have a good number to come and share so I could get atteniton for look how good I am doing.  I have a bigger need for afirmation and attention than I realized!  Now is that bad per say, I am not really sure.  BUT it needs to always include the Lord and what HE did to help me do what I am doing.  I am nothing without Him!  I also allowed myself to be affected too much by what some thought about me and how I was doing, I felt that the care from them was conditional on how good I did in the weight loss, the working out, the tracking, the eating, etc.  None of those are good things for me.  Because then when I let folks down it affects me so negatively and can make me so down and feeling awful.  I need to find my identity in Christ and if someone is proud of me for something I do in the weight loss journey then YAY!  That afirmation and attention is an awesome and motivating bonus and that is all good!  BUT if they are disappointed in me, if they do not understand or agree with me or a choice I have had to make, then so be it.  I know that I am doing with the Lord would have me do and NOT allow myself to get depressed or to try and figure out a way to make someone else proud of me.  Not sure if this is making any sense at all, but basically it is all things inside me that need improvement and need to be dealt with on the journey to a better me!

I wanted to share this from the first chapter of unglued with you all because it spoke so loudly to me this morning:

" Imperfect Changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace....imperfect progress. "
"Progress.  Just make progress. It's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs.  It's okay to draw a line in the sand  and start over again-and again. Just make sure you are moving the line forward. Move forward.  Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck.  Then change will come. And it will be good."

HOW perfect was that for me!!!!  It had a connection to an important event in my past!  ONLY GOD would know that!  Lysa Trrkeurst who is the auther of Unglued and penned those words to herself had NO CLUE God would use those words so loudly for me and I am sure others as well!  So many areas of my life have been covered by that quote above.  As for the weight loss journey I guess I am saying I am drawing a line in the sand a little further ahead that it was back in December.  25 lbs closer to the 200 lbs weigh loss goal, a little smarter, a little more educated, and definitly knowing more that the weight loss journey can't be separate from me, from the journey of life for me period.  I have to work on ALL of me for any of me to change and become the better me I long for!  If you have been following along you know the butterfly has become a symbol for me for this journey!  I am not the beautiful butterfly yet, but I am emerging and transforming and on the journey to that butterfly!  All of this, the steps back even, the changes, the pain, everything is a part of it to bring upon the transformation!  I pray that this is making sense and that somehow , someway, some day this can help someone else too.

So, I pray you will continue to follow along on the journey to a better me!  Sometimes the updates may be about weight loss!  and I pray that it will happen little by little as I begin to figure it all out, and sometimes it will be about how I did this or that exercise or got to work out childcare and timing to go back to the gym, or how I learned this or that thing about myself or that I have something on my heart to share!  :)  I pray that you and others will follow along!  I am very human and I must say I DO want support, encouragement, cheering on in weight loss, and in just life, and friends in the journey!  I am striving to remember that even though I am not the beautiful transformed butterfly yet that I am a new creation in Christ now.  He saw potentional in me and HE loved me at my heaviest and will love me even if I fail and never loose the weight, He will love me if I can't figure it all out, but He will also help me to see what is most imporatant and give me the strength I need to do this.  Joyce Meyer said something this morning about not loosing sight of what you are learning in the journey!  I so recieve that.  YES there is a goal, but the learning is in the journey, the faith is in the journey!  Once you are there you don't need the faith anymore!!! 

Hope this is the right song! The computer I am using to post this has no sound card in it so I can't listen to music anymore. My laptop screen died so I am not handling that well. Anyway, hope this is a good version but this song speaks alot about the climb!! the journey is the climb!

Thank you so much to anyone who read all of this!  I need you guys! :)  Please post comments!  Please follow along!  I pray that someday I can be the beautiful healthy butterfly and I look forward to sharing the journey with you  :)
God bless,

Saturday, August 18, 2012


So as you can see I have not posted in almost 4 weeks.  I am struggling with so many things.  To be honest with illness,  trips to ER with kids, Medical trips, stress, upsets, sadness, some private things going on and the list goes on I have not even touch a scale in a couple weeks.  I was down the week after this I think I remember but never got on and posted.  I am struggling with if this is even really possible.  If I have what it takes to even do this.  I am having to pray though those feelings, and pray through and make decisions about how to make myself and the time to work out and get healthy fit into all the other needs in my life and nobody suffer.  I am very very prayerful lately.  I know that the journey to a better me has to happen from the inside out and so I am trying hard to focus on spiritual at this point.  I need it anyway with all this other but I do believe it will help with this journey too.  This journey I am not even really sure is possible but that i am trying to get back on the road to the journey rather than totally just stopping.  

I am clinging to this with this weight loss and health journey but also to so many things in my life lately.  

I am posting these 2 pictures more to maybe help someone else than even for myself.  I have fallen under some judgement an I am just really feeling that some people who have never walked in my shoes can not fathom to understand what I think, feel and how things are for me.  I see so many in life who judge others, and so many times it is from a place of having never been there!  How many of us have had well meaning folks tell us how to raise our children when they themselves have never had a child??  How do you feel you can judge others, even if you have been where they are, everyone is a totally different person so each person has different ways of dealing with things.  But no matter what it just is not a good thing to judge people and also to be conditional in your relationship.  You can really hurt someone to the core by being conditional in how much time you spend with them, or in anything to do with  your relationship and not even really realize you are doing it I think.  

I just know for me so much of my life has been spent trying to fit in with someone or a group of someone's.  Trying to get someone to care, someone to life me, someone to include me.  Jumping through hoops to be who they wanted me to be, even if who they wanted me to be was a good thing, it is still not good if I loose their care, their time, their whatever because I fail at being who they wanted me to be.  If you are in a place in your life where people are judging you, or where you can match up to what they think you should be then PLEASE know that it is probably not intentional on their part, that is my prayer in my situations, and that if you have to jump through any hoops, no matter how big or how small, then it is probably not a true friendships or relationship or whatever.  

Ok, I know alot of this may not make sense.  I am praying somehow sharing this helps someone else.  And I am also needed to be totally honest with myself on my journey and with those who may truly care and be following along.  There are ups in downs in life and there are ups and downs in my journey. 

I feel very weak, very overwhelmed and very alone. For those who I may have inspired I am sorry if I let yall down, but right now I just am having a hard time right now.  I have not totally quit or given up just yet but I am battling and wondering if maybe the end result that I dream of is just not a happening thing for me.  Then I think with me at the weight i was at last weigh in I am still super morbily obese and I wonder am I digging my own grave in that piano box by not having what it takes to do this.  Sorry guys, I am just bein real about where I am , maybe so someone else will know they are not alone when they have feelings, or maybe so that someone will know I need prayer.  I just don't know.  I am trying to decide if I should even weigh in Monday or  should I just try to get back in the groove and not worry or wait and weigh in next week or I dunno.  I worry if I see the scale it might make things worse.  I just dont know.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Monday Weigh In July 23, 2012

So I have moved my official weigh in day to Monday's.  I just do not want my focus first thing on Sunday Morning to be weighing in, but rather preparing my heart and mind for the day of worship ahead.  Here is this week's weigh in results.
Loss for the week: - 4 lbs
Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 316 lbs
Total loss to date: 29 lbs
Total Percentage Lost: 8.4 %
BMI: 51
Pounds left to loose: 171

I am happy for a loss, not happy that I have not lost all I gained last week.  In alot of pain this past week and still today.  I am not speaking Fibro Flare up because I just dont have time.  

I keep telling myself this above!!!  I do hear myself saying that and feel it inside.  So at times I feel like I am battling myself in this journey.  I know I can't do it alone, but I have God and friends to support me.  I have to hold on and fight to live.  And remember what I am fighting for!

It will be worth it!  and I have come far.  granted only 29 lbs since Dec 29th is not great, BUT I am still smaller than then!  Healthier than then, smarter than then, etc.  

I had 2 big motivation boosters this week.  Yesterday at Church I jumped in worship a little.  I was so into the worship and what I felt in side and started jumping.  My huge body slamming on my knees and back and neck being jarred by all this weight.  Lets just say agony interupted my worship! :(  NOT GOOD :(  I even more want this weight gone so I can worship and completely go with what I feel in my heart and spirit and not be hampered by my body! The dr said that the weight is way more on my knees even than what the scale shows!  Got to get this off and KEEP IT OFF!

and secondly my desire to get my BMI in line with China Adoption rules has really really really increased!  I now someday we will go back to Taiwan too, but I KNOW we are going to china and during this time of our family gettin back on our feet and then saving funds it is my time to get this weight off and be acceptable to china!  I want to go where the Lord sends me for children and not have to turn away from waiting children because of my weight!  NO we are not looking at adopting again right this minute!  But God has confirmed we are far from done!  Right now it is my time to get healthy to care for our current family and the children of our hearts to come! :)  And to get back on our feet.  Bobby gets his first full check this week!  I will be able to fill my van up with gas!  Which means starting friday I should be able to go back to the gym 2 to 3 days a week!  Maybe more if gas and childcare work out at other times.  I am blessed the Monday, Wed, Fri childcare worker at the gym is willing to watch Jeremiah as well as Noah :)  Once gas and childcare are out of the way then I can go back!  I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I miss workin out there and the ortho has said NO WALKING, no TREADMILL ( course I dont have one anyway), no stairs or jarring.  His orders for now are LOTS of elliptical and lots of weight training, slowly building up the weights I can do !  So I am very excited for this! :)  When the schedule works for bobby to be here for my 5:30 water class I hope to go to that some to but it wont be a regular thing.  Anyway I am thankful that things are improving and obstacles are being removed!  

Monday, July 16, 2012

It's only a number right!?! July 16, 2012 update

Yesterday was such an amazing day and the Lord just so spoke loudly to me and so many amazing things happened in me!  So, I guess it should not surprise me that today is not such a great one.  So I am trying to tell myself today that this picture is true.  That the number on the scale does not determine my worth.  Trying to tell myself not to be upset today.  This post will share the facts and maybe some of the feelings.  Who knows.  Facts are this weigh in is very bad.  Fact is there may be things contributing to it but the fact is it is still bad.  Yes I am very swollen in my knees, feet and ankels.  Yes I am dealing with some bowel issues that could contribute to some of this, and Yes it may not be all accurate but the fact is , it is the number for the weigh in and I have to deal with it. :(  So here you go folks.

Loss for the week: - +10 lbs
Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 325lbs
Total loss to date: 25 lbs
Total Percentage Lost: 7.2 %
BMI: 51.6
Pounds left to loose: 175

I am totally devestated that I am 10 lbs up. TEN in one week seems insane and like I said there is alot of stuff going on in my body lately that I am sure that some of it is from that and it is not totally all true gain but either way you look at it I am still up 10 lbs and have no only lost 25 lbs in 200 days.  That is 28 weeks at this and so less than a pound a week.  Granted it is still LESS and I am trying to cling to that but part of me is just not handling this well and feels defeated and like maybe there is no point in trying.  I was vegging on facebook today and saw a friend had posted this picture and I it jumped out at me.  I need to listen to this!

Now getting myself to believe it may be another matter but yes I guess the fact that I have not gained it all back when so many of the things have been out of my control to make this journey downward continue to happen is good, and even just maintaining the loss would have been better than this huge gain.  It is the 2nd big gain I have had during this 28 weeks.  UGGH.  I do wonder if this has something to do with my medications and not taking them the right way because of stretching them and all but anyway I am still very disappointed in myself.  

I loved this when I saw it!  I know I am way bigger than this lady but I am still a little bit smaller than I was 28 weeks ago.  Sigh I keep telling myself that I have started this and I can't quit but honestly I feel like at times it is just not going to happen and some people are just meant to be this way.

for now I am clinging to this and saying I will try again!  I wont give up but I must say I am overwhelmed wit the thought of if I can't keep this gong good for 28 weeks how am I gonna do it for 2 + years to actually be able to beat this super morbid obesity.  Please continue to hold our family in prayer.  Bobby is doing great with his training at the railroad which is wonderful! :)  He got his first paycheck which allowed us to get a couple of cut off things taken care off.  It is going to be a slow process back and one of those situations where things get worse before they get better, but it is nice to know an end is in sight for all of the struggling and of course we are so blessed to look back and see that the Lord has kept us afloat when if you look at the facts of the finaces and all should have been totally impossible and much worse than even what we are going through at this point!  

Please pray for me personally as I battle some internal things and thoughts and feelings.  Pray I can keep gong on this journey to me.  Pray I can allow myself to be open to those the Lord has put in my life and not run because they are getting to close.  And that I can be open to all God wants to do in and through me.  
Until next week

Saturday, July 7, 2012

2 weeks updates July 7, 2012

So I did not post last week on Sunday July1, 2012 because I did not have internet.  I almost posted on the 3rd when I had Internet back because that was 6 months since I joined Fitness Lady, but the day got away from me so I just decided to do it tonight while I had time.  So below you will see the weigh in for this week and last week.  

Loss for the week: - 1.2 lbs

Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 310 lbs
Total loss to date: 35 lbs
Total Percentage Lost: 10.1 %
BMI: 50
Pounds left to loose: 165

So , last week I had the loss of 1.2 lbs which was shocking after being at the hospital and not being able to exercise other than what I could do in the hospital room.  I had kinda expected a gain but was happy to have a loss! This week I did not gain but did not loose.  Stayed exactly the same.  

I am trying to do as this says above and take pride in how far I have come and have faith in how far I can go.   I am thrlled I have lost 35 pounds in 6 months.  It is more than I have ever lost before so that is huge for me! Should and could I have lost more in 6 months time, YES!  But I will take this as be happy with it!  
This is where I am right now!  Having to look at my purpose in this world, in my life, in this journey to a better me, etc.  Things are not going the past month or so as I would have liked but life happens and you have to keep trying and not give up.  Our financial situation has gotten to a point that I can't get to the gym, or even Church much at all.  I even took a week of the kids therapy which I hated.  I tell you this to ask for prayers for my mind during this time.  I know it will pass soon as we get caught up on things that got so far behind and then I will be able to go back to my plan for things in my life, but for now I am learning to be happy with where I am :)  I will say I have had some amazing one on one time with God at times I would have been at Church or at the gym or off doing whatever in town had I had gas for the van.  I would not trade these times with the Lord for anything!  I also had some wonderful time with my family during all this down time too :)  

Please also pray for my pain levels, my knees, my back, and my one shoulder that is getting much much worse.  I have an appointment with Ortho on friday of this week.  I just can't take the pain anymore as it is getting worse and worse in the shoulder and the knees and back are bad again.  It has affected my working out at home as well so I was really worried about weighing in this week. Anyway, that is things here with me.  

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sunday June 24, 2012 weigh in

Well, apparetly I forgot to blog last week's weigh in.  Last week my weight was down to 313 which was a loss of  1.4 lbs from the week before.  This week was our STAYCATION and I was a bit worried as we stopped all regular activities including the gym, therapy, appts, etc. and had a vacation in our own town :)  LOTS of fun :)  If you can't afford to go on vacation I highly recommend a staycation!  There may be free or very cheap things in your town too :)  Anyway, stuff with kids and illness and all kept me out of gym the week before pretty much too.  I have been working out some and we have been very active but truth be told I was very worried about a gain.  I am happy to say that did NOT happen.  A tiny loss but no gain!  It is good for me to have weeks like these to see that even when I can't devote alot of time to working out and health and fitness I can still maintain and maybe loose a bit.  Anyway, this week was a HUGE learning week for me!  A very emotional week.  I have had a glimpse into what I was missing in life for so long and a bigger glimpse into what  am still missing because of this Morbid Obesity.  So much of this week would NOT have happened a few months ago.  I would either have not even planned to do the things we did or if I did I would have made sure there would be a way for me to sit and someone to make sure kids had fun.  I am not saying this week was easy physically at this weight, because it wasn't, BUT it was more doable and it was fun.  Am I paying for it now!  YES,  prayerfullly the day will come when we can have a fun active week and me not pay for it so much.  I experienced such fun with my family.  I made a video that I really want to share.  It shows some pics of things I can do that I could not before and me being more willing to be in pictures with my kids and know that they need to see themselves with me in years to come and know I was here for them and experiencing life with them.  I still hate how I look but I am able to look now and see some changes!  I took pics of myself  in the mirror friday and when I look and compare I can see a bit of a difference and it makes me smile!  This video made me totally ball!  PLEASE watch it and please comment!  The songs used speak so hugely to things going on inside me and how I feel.  I had such a sweet time at home this morning with the Lord and I can feel him changing me more and more and healing me more and more!  Anyway, here is this weeks numbers and below it the video! If it wont all show on here cuz the column to small you can click at the end I think to go see it at one true media.  trying to figure out how to do this now.  Please let me know what you think :)

Loss for the week: - .8 lbs

Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 312.2 lbs
Total loss to date: 32.8 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 9.5 %

BMI: 50.4
Pounds left to loose: 167.2