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Saturday, February 28, 2009

Road Trip and Loosin 90 in 09?? WORRIED!

Hi All,

We are back from our Road trip to and from Atlanta! We got home tuesday but came home really really sick! Actually we are still sick and now Noah is started back up again too :( poor guy. Anyway, being gone for so long and having to eat out all that time and not having lots of funds seemed to limit everything. Luckily there was a food court so we were not in high priced restraunts the whole time but fast food gets old quick! I am NOT a salad person at all though have tried so many times over the years but just can't force myself so even that wont work. It all feels hopeless more and more each day. The loosin anything much less 90. I am too scared to even look at scale at this point :( I met an online friend I had never met on the trip and was SOOO nervous she would not like me when she saw HOW big I really am but she was so so sweet and seemed fine with it! It was like we had been together as friends in person forever! Here are a few pics taken on the trip that especially make me SEE how big I have gotten! Most won't get posted on the regular blog but prayerfully here its ok! All I can hold onto at this point is this...
When I call on Jesus, All the things are possible! I can mount on wings like eagles and soar, when I call on Jesus, mountains are gonna fall, cuz HE'LL move heaven and earth to come and rescue me when I call. When my heart is broken and I feel discouraged I can REMEMBER He said HE WOULD BE THERE! THAT is the difference this time! How to implement that in to actually loosing weight I dont know yet but I'm discouraged and feel so weak and without strength so I am gonna CALL!




Me and Noah (on a horse) at Mississippi Welcome Center


Me spending PRESCIOUS time with my FRIEND Teresa! :) notice the rub on tatoo on my arm after a night of fun with my dear 20 year old daughter! When we got home Bobby was like IS THAT A TATOO! LOL he thought I had got a real one while gone! heehee



Sitting in a chair at the Omni Hotel in Atlanta texting! LOL

Shopping in the BIGGEST Target I have ever seen! Atlantic Station in Atlanta! I am with friends we went to conference with ! I am in the back with the baby buggy and am so much bigger than all them and feel so out of place.
Here I am with Noah in my Ole Miss Shirt my cousin Liz bought me! THE ONLY one they had big enough was WHITE! I don't do white! :( I was so sad about that but have wanted one for awhile to feel close to home and it was a gift so I was happy happy! Just wish I did not look so bad in white!
Ok, I am off for now! I will brave the scale soon! I am not sure how it will compair with dr. scale. Last time it weighed me more than docs said :(
thanks for caring guys!



Monday, February 16, 2009

Seeing self on video dancing SCARY...Seeing joy on hubby face PRICELESS

hey yall

So Celeste and I did something special for Bobby for Valentines day. And we video taped it. I have it below so you can see. I must say seeing my LARGE and OBESE self on this video was VERY HARD and harder yet was to put on my main blog but hubby and dear celeste wanted me too! It is scary seeing how I look like a bunch of blubber dancing :( I HATE IT :( ugggh I was feelin under the weather earlier and someone suggested I call and get a steroid for lungs and I was like NEVER AGAIN! I gained a rediculous amount on them when I was on iv steroids for several months and want no part of them. I was big to begin with but that seemed to set me over big time. Anyway, feelin very down today:( BUT Bobby loved it so that is priceless! see for youreself and tell me how bad it is :(



Saturday, February 14, 2009

LOVE AND TEARS

Early this week, I learned of the passing of two beautiful little girls in Ukraine, Margarita and Katerina. These little girls were living in the institution that babies are transferred to when they turn four. It really hit home for me because though Noah would have been sent there had he been in that country and had he not been adopted by someone. He was considered 'unwanted' and by some standards hopeless just like these and so many others. These girls could have had such a different life but they died of the flu. They suffered alone, without a mother to hold, nurture and love them. They died alone, without ever knowing the love of a family. My heart is heavy with the suffering that they knew during their short journey's on this earth. But my heart rejoices that they no longer suffer and that they are no longer alone, that they are now in the arms of a loving Father in Heaven. They now know LOVE!

Earlier today I received an article regarding children in institutions in Bulgaria. My heart breaks to think of these precious children, children like Noah and my friends Breelyn and so many others, children with limitless potential, suffering, without the love of a family, in these institutions.

These children cannot speak for themselves. They cannot call out to tell us of their suffering, of their pain, of their hunger, of their loneliness. They cannot, so we must do it for them. We must be a voice for these children.

For the next two days on Reece's Rainbow (February 14th-15th) the pictures of all of the waiting children in Bulgaria will be viewable by the general public in an attempt to raise grant money for them and help bring them home to loving families (you can ALWAYS donate, but this is a concentrated effort to get these children home as quickly as possible). Won't you please consider donating to the grant funds of these precious children? PLEASE follow the link to the page and donate even $5 will help! EVERY penny adds together to help! PLEASE pray about whether the Lord would have you to give one of these children or another child across the world a HOME and a Family and LOVE this Valentine's Day! Go HERE!

As you spend this day focusing on LOVE, imagine for me what you would think of love if you had NEVER been in a family. Never been kissed and hugged and loved on. If you grew up in a crib instead of rocking in a mother's arms! It rips me to shreds EVERY time I think of how often Noah's cries had to go unheard, and I KNOW it was not because of lack of caring at his orphanage but how much can a couple Nannies do to care for so many babies? Noah was in one of the best orphanages I have come to find out about and I know he still suffered because he was there. Imagine a place much worse. Please think about the most money you spent on a valentine's day gift today and give AT LEAST that much back to God in the way of helping one of his little ones! And please do consider if one of these is saying mommy or daddy to YOU!

In closing, I'd like to share with you a poem written by Meredith Cornish in memory of Margarita and Katerina. This really got me and most of it can be said of any orphan across the ocean waiting for a family to call their own!

While we were. . . .

While we were eating...
... they were hungry

While we were playing...
... they were restrained

While we were tucking our kids into bed...
... they were alone

While we turned up the heat...
... they laid in the icy cold

While we wrapped our children in blanket sleepers...
... they laid in their own excrement


While we sang songs and listened to music...
... they listened to the screams and cries of those around them

While we rocked our babies...
... they silently rocked themselves

While we hugged our kids...
... they scratched at their own faces and pulled their own hair for stimulation

While we cried over scraped knees...
... they moaned in their loneliness

While we brushed our daughters' beautiful hair...
... they had their heads shaven to stave off the lice

While we fought off the flu with love and nourishment...
... they got the flu and went Home.

No longer suffering... but so many more still are.



Margarita



Katarina

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Feeling Fatter by the second :(

ok, so I am feeling fatter adn fatter :( I decided to weigh on the house scale today to kinda see where it was in relation to doc scale. I weighed 317.2 on home scale and at the doc was 314. WHAT usually home scale is less than doc so now I am freakin out :( ugggh It does appear I am just getting bigger and bigger and bigger :( ugggh makes no since. I feel hopeless in some ways about alot of things. I mean I am so totally blessed with the most amazing Son and Daughter and hubby and I am so thankful for that! but its me I dont like, its me that feels out of control. its me that feels overwhelmed cuz I can't keep things in my home in order. Celeste, Noah and I will be traveling in less than a week and I am so excited to just get away. I think most of the hotels have gyms in them if I can take Noah in there with me maybe in stroller or whatever. Anyway I think Celeste and I will enjoy that :) She actually wants us to join a gym together and I woudl ADORE that if we can A: afford it, and B: find one that Noah can sit in stroller while I do it. One close to the house is open 24 hours and we might could do late at night and put him in stroller and he would sleep. I know taht when I was going to fitness lady the elliptical was so good for me because my knees were not an issue. Bobby wants to work out too with us so tha tis good. Money is such an issue but we will see what we can see :) I need to come up wiht more things I can do that don't involve my knees and back and all. I am not really sure why I am posting today other than I just feel so yuck about everything and part of me feels like it is hopeless and why bother. I mean in 40 years I have just gotten bigger and bigger :( It sucks being the BIGGEST person I know and what really sucks is when others around me eat more and eat worse stuff and I am gross and they are not. ok shutting up now!






Here are some pics of me with my baby boy! I hate how I look in them but in case there is ever weight loss I need documentation of how big I was and I don't want him to ever think Mama was not around in his life. My dd is 20 and there are VERY few pics of her with ME in them cuz of my hating to see myself :(


He has the cutest grin :) LOVE this guy!


This was at the hospital yesterday before his surgery! He was loopy! :)



Here we are with Bobby on the 9th on his birthday. Noah was not wanting his picture made! We were saying chese and he was goin eeeeeeee but it meant let me down! heehee

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Ok, I am gonna try this thing ONE MORE TIME!

Ok, I have tried to loose weight for years with no success. Part of me feels I will be big and just keep getting bigger until I BURST! BUT I am trying to take up weight loss as my cross daily and carry it with JESUS! On the KLOVE radio they are talking about loose 90 pounds in 09. They began this on Januray 1st. Well, to me weight loss is hopeless for the most part so I did not jump on the new year bandwagon and decide to loose. Well, daily as I live life with my amazing new son Noah adopted from Taiwan and my 20 year old daughter Celeste and my sweet husband Bobby I realize that they are limited by my weight. This upsets me no end and I PRAY beyond PRAY that I can actually do it this time! We will see. My starting weight is 314 pounds at the doctors office recently so I will begin with that. Celeste and Bobby both feel like they need to loose some weight as well, though not near as much as me so they have commmited to loosing along with me! The BIGGEST thing in all this for me will be the WITH JESUS part. I CAN'T do this alone but GOD IS ABLE!!!!! I KNOW that HE can help me if I can just figure out HOW to let HIM! Please pray with me, offer me tips, and if you are close by in my life and find out through the blog, please come around and offer some support if you like! I have so many foods that I literally cannot stand and make me literaly gag so I am going to have to do this with the foods I can eat cooked in the healthiest way. I am praying for financial gain from the Lord to purchase better quality foods and splenda and things of that nature to learn to cook some treats for my family in a better way. I don't want Noah growing up thinking dessert is evil or something so rare when he does get it he eats the whole pan of brownies etc. I know so many that literally eat a small dessert daily and are a healthy weight. Anyway, the desire is here, as it has always been so I am praying this time things will be different. It makes me cry that I am bigger than I have even been in my entire life. I am 40 and 314 pounds. what happend to me :( I remember being 225 and thinking I was so disgustingly obese. I would KILL Now to be 225 and lower still! :) Please post a comment and let me know I have some support :)

Hugs
Tami