Weekly weigh in #13 I WILL NOT BE DISCOURAGED, I keep telling myself that!

Well, I do not have news I wanted to come and share today and to be as honest as I know how to be I have no clue WHY I have the news I do, but here you go:

Loss for the week: - 0 (GAINED +2 lbs)

Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 328 lbs
Total loss to date: 17 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 4.9 %

BMI: 52.9

Pounds left to loose: 183

I worked out 5 days this week after not working out for the time before.  I also went out on thursday and did alot of walking and activity on our date night with Noah, and twice this week did big walking in stores.  I also ate even better.  I feel like I am just heading the other way.  I am now up 6 lbs from where I was.  down to only a 17 lb weight loss :( I mean I am thrilled that much is one but to have gained back now 6 lbs and these last 2 when I was working so hard is so frustrating.  And I feel like noone will believe I was working because the scale went the other way.  I keep telling myself I WILL NOT BE DISCOURAGED!  I am having to really fight it at this point!  I did quite a bit of learnin this week at the gym and out so I am thankful for that and trying to focus on that.  I guess I will just keep trying and see what happens.  My pain level is better this Sunday than last but still up there.  and I still feel swollen and bloated but that has always been a problem for me even as a kid so its just who I am I guess.  I feel even more like a blimp than normal. sigh

Weekly Weigh in # 12 ashamed to share

Today is my weekly weigh in #12.  I started this journey to a better me December 29, 2011. and started weekly weigh in's January 1st, 2012.  Today is 12 weeks since I began and rather than having an exciting update today 12 weeks in I have to share that I had a gain.  I am still battling swelling and alot of pain, have literally been in bed totally some days or the recliner other days.  It has been a really bad few weeks, but the biggest disappointment to me is that even during the bad times I cant do good.  I do not like this 2 steps forward 10 steps backward feeling.  But anyway, I can quite all together which with as much emotional stuff going on right now is very tempting, or I can just keep trying and try and try not to keep thinking forever I would be 4 lbs ahead if I had not blown it.  Anyway, here are the weigh in details:

Loss for the week: - 0 (GAINED +4 lbs)

Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 326 lbs
Total loss to date: 19 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 5.5%

BMI: 52.6

Pounds left to loose: 181

The Missing Weigh in..keepin in real...

So not sure if anyone noticed but Sunday I did not post a weigh in for everyone.  Reason being, I did not weigh in.  Partly because I am sick, partly cuz I am very very swollen and in tons of pain.  Fibro flareup and head/chest cold high fever all have crashed in on each other.  On top of that Bobby got turned down for a really good job that we desperately NEED.  It has not helped my frame of mind at all.  As I lay in my recliner today hurting and trying to figure out how to do the have to things of the day and weekend with me and my beautiful babies I feel very defeated in all areas.  I feel so bloated that I am thinking I probably weigh more than my start weight on Dec 29th.  Why am I so swollen.  Coming off ICU, and then the trip to Neuro and the physical and emotional demands of that and a very hard and longer than normal trip home thanks to a 2 and half hour interstate delay and then weather to make the trip even longer still I am sure did not help.  Anyway, I did not weigh in and as Sunday approaches for this week I am really worried.  I am thinking how much damage has a week of a big trip, tons of swelling, not as good foods, not as much working out, emotional and physical drama and then illness and a week of NO exercise and very little movement that was not absolutly necessary gonna show.  I am feeling like is this really even possible for me.  I know so many are just thinking if you would just shut up, stop eating, and get off you butt you would already lost all the weight.  And that is true.  and in 43 years I just keep getting bigger.  I read someone wrote that some people are just meant to be big.  and that is ok.  BUT if it is ok why does it make me cry?  If it is ok WHY do I hate it and disgust my own self?  Why do I see so many things in life I miss out on.  I watched several episodes of my 600 lb life.  There were people on there that started over 600 lbs and lost to my weight and could soo much more than I can do now.  What is up with that.  Why can't I.  Am I having a pitty party.  Maybe.  But I have been holding so much inside lately that for some reason I thought I need to get this out.  Will it help me to do that?  who knows.  probably not, and it might hurt, it might mean people give up on me and think bad of me, it might mean those who were helping me at Fitness Lady might say you blew it, you dont really want this, you can't do this.  It might be that someone understands , it might be that somehow throwing all this out of me will help me to pick myself up and try some more.  I went to the mall yesterday to get something my mother wanted for her birthday.  I had to keep sitting down and had chest pains and almost passed out a few times just trying to walk from van to the store and then same thing coming back.  It is like I am in worse shape than before I started, which was bad enough.  So that makes me feel more defeated, and it makes me want something different but wonder if there is anything different for me.  Sometimes dreams just dont come true.  I know that with my baby boys, those dreams came true.  So far fetched to thing God would bridge the ocean for me of all people and then to do it twice!  Wow.  Dream come true.  Dreams come true in that even though I thought I would never find love God gave me Bobby.  Dreams come true cuz I have a beautiful baby girl who is an amazing woman of God now.  A gift from the Lord.  My entire family a gift from God.  Dreams do come true.  So , have I had enough dreams filled.  Is this dream not possible.  Or do I not have what it takes. I know that with God all things are possible, but is it more about me and less about Him.  But then I think what use am I to Him this way?  I can't even help in serving line at Church for the pain of my weight on my knees, ankels and feet.  Why am I bothering you all with this.  I dont know.  Maybe somehow this will help someone someday.  I know that my babies are worth me trying to keep on.   I need to quit thinking.  I need to quit worrying about our financial situation, I need to quit worrying about alot of things and just try and get going again.  thanks if you read this, and thanks if you are still cheering for me to figure out how to make this really happen for real.  I do not want to fail at this, though I know right now that is where I am at.

Weekly weigh in #10 Roller Coaster Weigh In

This has been a crazy weigh in week.  First of all I could not weigh in on Sunday morning because I was at the hospital with my baby boy Jeremiah after his surgery.  We spent time in PICU and on the floor.  It was a rollercoaster week for me and so then I guess that is fitting for the roller coaster weigh in.  I am very swollen and in ALOT of pain and having some bowel issues.  Sunday Night I made the mistake of weighing in after we got home and I was UP quite a bit from last week's weigh in.  Talk about upsetting to have a HUGE gain  : (  The more I thought about it and remembered that weight can fluctuate during the day and all with eating and such I decided to weigh in on Monday morning at my normal Sunday time.  Boy am I glad I did.  I actually lost weight somehow with all that was going on this week and being swollen so bad.  So not positive which one to count, but since Monday morning was my normal time but not normal day, I decided PRAYERFULLY it is more accurate!  So here you go.

Loss for the week: - 1 lb

Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 322 lbs
Total loss to date: 23 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 6.7 %

BMI: 52

Pounds left to loose: 177

Please be in prayer for our family for the next few weeks and especially for the next few days.  I leave town in a few minutes with the babies to head to Baton Rouge for Neuro appt and testing and Bobby will be going to a hiring session/interview with the railroad on Wednesday.  We are prayerful that either that job or one he interviewed for last week will come through for him and soon.  He needs a half way decent paying job desperately! All of that and some other things leave us in need of any prayers you are willing to send up for us.  We really could use the prayers.