The Missing Weigh in..keepin in real...

So not sure if anyone noticed but Sunday I did not post a weigh in for everyone.  Reason being, I did not weigh in.  Partly because I am sick, partly cuz I am very very swollen and in tons of pain.  Fibro flareup and head/chest cold high fever all have crashed in on each other.  On top of that Bobby got turned down for a really good job that we desperately NEED.  It has not helped my frame of mind at all.  As I lay in my recliner today hurting and trying to figure out how to do the have to things of the day and weekend with me and my beautiful babies I feel very defeated in all areas.  I feel so bloated that I am thinking I probably weigh more than my start weight on Dec 29th.  Why am I so swollen.  Coming off ICU, and then the trip to Neuro and the physical and emotional demands of that and a very hard and longer than normal trip home thanks to a 2 and half hour interstate delay and then weather to make the trip even longer still I am sure did not help.  Anyway, I did not weigh in and as Sunday approaches for this week I am really worried.  I am thinking how much damage has a week of a big trip, tons of swelling, not as good foods, not as much working out, emotional and physical drama and then illness and a week of NO exercise and very little movement that was not absolutly necessary gonna show.  I am feeling like is this really even possible for me.  I know so many are just thinking if you would just shut up, stop eating, and get off you butt you would already lost all the weight.  And that is true.  and in 43 years I just keep getting bigger.  I read someone wrote that some people are just meant to be big.  and that is ok.  BUT if it is ok why does it make me cry?  If it is ok WHY do I hate it and disgust my own self?  Why do I see so many things in life I miss out on.  I watched several episodes of my 600 lb life.  There were people on there that started over 600 lbs and lost to my weight and could soo much more than I can do now.  What is up with that.  Why can't I.  Am I having a pitty party.  Maybe.  But I have been holding so much inside lately that for some reason I thought I need to get this out.  Will it help me to do that?  who knows.  probably not, and it might hurt, it might mean people give up on me and think bad of me, it might mean those who were helping me at Fitness Lady might say you blew it, you dont really want this, you can't do this.  It might be that someone understands , it might be that somehow throwing all this out of me will help me to pick myself up and try some more.  I went to the mall yesterday to get something my mother wanted for her birthday.  I had to keep sitting down and had chest pains and almost passed out a few times just trying to walk from van to the store and then same thing coming back.  It is like I am in worse shape than before I started, which was bad enough.  So that makes me feel more defeated, and it makes me want something different but wonder if there is anything different for me.  Sometimes dreams just dont come true.  I know that with my baby boys, those dreams came true.  So far fetched to thing God would bridge the ocean for me of all people and then to do it twice!  Wow.  Dream come true.  Dreams come true in that even though I thought I would never find love God gave me Bobby.  Dreams come true cuz I have a beautiful baby girl who is an amazing woman of God now.  A gift from the Lord.  My entire family a gift from God.  Dreams do come true.  So , have I had enough dreams filled.  Is this dream not possible.  Or do I not have what it takes. I know that with God all things are possible, but is it more about me and less about Him.  But then I think what use am I to Him this way?  I can't even help in serving line at Church for the pain of my weight on my knees, ankels and feet.  Why am I bothering you all with this.  I dont know.  Maybe somehow this will help someone someday.  I know that my babies are worth me trying to keep on.   I need to quit thinking.  I need to quit worrying about our financial situation, I need to quit worrying about alot of things and just try and get going again.  thanks if you read this, and thanks if you are still cheering for me to figure out how to make this really happen for real.  I do not want to fail at this, though I know right now that is where I am at.