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Saturday, December 29, 2012

1 Year Anniversary of beginning Journey to a better me again

So today marks 1 year!  One Year since I had a come to meeting with Jesus about what my state of health was, about the fact I am super morbidly obese, about the fact that at this weight I am critical, that super morbid obesity is deadly.  I was desperate to loose it all AGAIN, convinced I was actually going to really do this, that just maybe with enough help, enough emotional support, enough gym time, enough enough enough.  Well I can say I am smaller than I was then, but overall I must say that I have failed in this year.  Here are the stats for me for now and then for a year ago.

Loss for the week: +2bls
Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 333 lbs
Total loss to date: 12 lbs
Total Percentage Lost: 3.5 %
BMI: 53.7
Pounds left to loose: 188
Starting Weight: 345
Current Weight: 345
Total loss to date: 0 lbs
Total Percentage Lost: 0 %
BMI: 55.7
Pounds left to loose: 200

My life and weight in the past year has been a total YO YO!  Sigh  My emotions have as well!  The facts are I lost 12 lbs in the last year that stayed off.  I lost up to 35 lbs at one point but at this point it is only 12 lbs.  My BMI is down 2 pts and my weight loss total is 3.5 percent.  I am HAPPY that I have lost the 12 and prayerful that it will stay gone.  I am not happy that after a year that is all I have managed to do.  I have been up and down with this in my mind and emotions and spirit.  I am a different person this Dec 29th than I was last year even if only 12 lbs difference in weight.  I have kinda come full circle.  I became obsessed with the loss, obsessed with recording it and sharing and having the praise from others when I did loose.  Through counsel kinda decided it had become more about pleasing those following along than about me and the journey so I backed off a bit and quit sharing, quit tracking, quit letting the journey to weight loss encompass me and what ws going on with me.  Now as I sit and look back over the last year and see that stopping tracking, stopping sharing, stopping obsessing about it is when it stopped working.  So now I am at a loss.  WHY can't I have the motivation to do this privatly and alone?  Why is it that if I have folks following along I can do better and actually loose and when I dont the support for that helps charge me on to getting back up and trying again!  It is about me and about not dying, but I have always been a person that cares GREATLY what others think so maybe I can't do this alone, maybe I do have to have that support to make it through.  Maybe I do need folks to be SICK of hearing about me and the journey.  I DO NOT KNOW.  What I do know a year later is that I am still very ILL.  I am HUGE and my body limits what I can do daily. What I can do for my Lord.  What I can do for husband and children.  What I can do in my home.  What I can do in my Church.  What I can do in every activity and group I am a part off.  Every decision still involves can I physically do that, will I FIT if I do that or go there.  and on and on daily life is affected by this monstor that is me!  I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER.  The blub or something!  Inside I just feel like this trapped little girl that has become a monster!  I know that sounds crazy!  but it is how I feel.  So where do I go from here?
Part of me feels like I should just give up! Like maybe I am just meant to be this way and this big.  But then there is a part of me that is desperate and says I WANT TO LIVE!  I want to live a LONG time and I want to actually LIVE while I am here not just exist!! So as I look back over the weight loss progress I am trying to think about what was going on then.  What I was doing then and I guess maybe I will just keep trying.  My thyroid issue get wrapped into all this somehow and I need to deal with that too.  My first plan is when I have copay I will go to my doctor and see if we can get these medications regulated for my thyroid and insulin reistence.  I will discuss my fibromyalgia as well with her.  And ask about some supplements that have been recommended.  I do not think any of that is a quick fix but they may be keys to help me overall be a better me even if not necessarily helpful with losing the weight. 
So as I go through this one year anniversary day I have alot of praying to do and I have to figure out how to continue.  Part of me wants to say begin AGAIN but last dec tha tis what I did.  There were many bumps and ups and downs but I am still on the journey so I dont reckon it is beginning again as much as continuing and maybe figuring out a way to increase my speed!  I have rejoined Weight Watchers online and will also try to do some stuff at My fitness Pal as well.  I may not track at My fitness pal but at least hopefully have some support of friends there.    I need to do this in an emotionally healthy way and figure out a way to have that emotional support and encouragement but still be doing it for me! 
I have been talking at length this week with God about all this.  I know HE is my biggest answer to EVERY problem I face.  For those that do not know we have been with out nursing for months but now have a nurse again.  Partly so that I can have someone safe iwth Jeremiah so I can work out at the gym and such,, and partly to help me with the kids during school and therapy so that everyone has all their needs met including me during each day.  Also, for those that do not know Bobby lost his job Nov 13th.  We despretly need prayer for a job and one or 2 that pay enough to pay our mortgage and bills.  I feel like 2012 has been such a despretly hard year and that I must not be learnign the lessons the Lord has for me to learn.  I am sad to admit I am SCARED and I am having to force myself to speak peace. to speak trust. to speak faith about so many areas onf my life right now.  Over my concern for Bobby having a job and how our faimly will make it.  over my weight loss journey over my health and over my very life. 

Someone said to me that if I had cancer nobody would think it odd that I shared about how the treatment was going, asked for prayer along the way etc.  So why is it odd for trying to heal from this disease of super morbid obesity.  I am not sure how I feel about whta or not or that it is a proper comparission but it does bring it back to me that this weight CAN kill me.  I am in a fight.  I have to find the energy and whatever it is I need to fight for my life.

I went and got my weight loss weigh ins that I have tracked over the past year and put them all on a new page on the blog above called TamiJoy's Weight Loss Progress. Here it is minus pics and such if you are interested.

Starting (AGAIN) Date December 29, 2011
Starting weight: 345
Height: 5' 6"
12/29/12 ~ 345 first weigh in!
1/1/12 ~342.2 {-2.8 lbs}
1/4/12 ~ 336.4 { - 5.8 lbs}
1/9/12 ~ 334.4 {-2 lbs}
1/16/12 ~331.6 {-2.8 lbs}
1/23/12 ~329.4 { -2.2 lbs}
1/30/12 ~ 329 {- .4 lbs}
2/6/12 ~ 328.2 {. 08 lbs}
2/13/12 ~323.8 {-4.4 lbs}
2/20/12 ~323 { -.8 lbs}
2/27/12 ~322 { -1 lb}
3/6/12 ~ 322 { maintained}
3/12/12 ~ 326 { + 4 lbs }
3/19/12 ~ 328 { + 2 lbs}
3/26/12 ~ 321.6 { -6.4 lbs}
4/01/12 ~ 321.6 { maintain}
4/08/12 ~ 319.2 { -2.4 lbs}
4/12/12 ~ 316.6 { - 2.6 lbs}
4/22/12~ 315.4 { - 1.2 lbs}
4/29/ 12 ~ no weigh in
5/06/12 ~ 314 { - 1.4 lbs}
5/14/12 ~ 322 {+ 8 lbs }
5/20/12 ~ 319.8 { - 2.2 lbs}
5/27/12 ~ 318 { - 1.8 lbs}
6/03/12 ~ 316 { - 2 lbs}
6/10/12 ~ 314.4 { -1.6 lbs}
6/17/12 ~ 313 { -1.4 lbs}
6/24/12 ~ 312.2 { .08 lbs}
7/02/12 ~ 310 { - 2.2 lbs}
7/16/12 ~ 320 { + 10 lbs}
7/23/12 ~ 316 { - 4 lbs}
8/01/12 ~ 313 { - 3 lbs}
8/30/12 ~ 313 { maintain}
10/18/12 ~ 325 { + 12 lbs}
10/25/12 ~ 325 { maintain}
12/03/12 ~330.2 ~ { + 5.2 lbs}
12/10/12 ~ 331 { +.8 lbs}
12/29/12 ~ 333 { +2 lb} One year Mark
Total lost in one year 12 lbs