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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Scared and trying...need help...starting again

So if I have any folks still following this blog I am sure you are saying to yourself, here she goes again.  Yup, here she is again gonna try and loose weight, gonna get healthy, gonna make changes, etc.  Those who have been around for the past few years have seen me do that with this blog a few times.  The last time I tried I did loose a little weight but have gained it back and more.  I am not really positive what happend, but when I came here today to make a post about trying yet again to do this I saw the last post I made and the date.  It was right after a trip to baton rouge last June.  Life that day took a HUGE turn for us.  My husband was budget cut from a 20 year career on the DAY of his 20 years.  He needed 25 to draw full retirement and we are thankful they gave him his retirement but it is a very very tiny check.  Nowhere near what it would have been.  We are able to keep our insurance with us paying what we did before so that is a blessing too but that then take most of the check, so basically its insurance.  Either way its not enough to survive on.  The trip to Baton rouge and the dr's was already planned for our sweet Jeremiah and turned out he had to go to baton rouge to complete the retirement process so the trip became a joint thing.  Little did we know then how long and hard the journey ahead of us was to become.  about a month later he did get a temp job that did not pay much but at least it was money coming in and he got some leave bought back from him by the job which between that and God kept us from totally drowning.  But that temp job did not last long.  Here we are 6 months later and he has a new job now.  It pays less than half what he was making before and so things are not great but prayerfully we can try and keep from drowning.  God blessed us through some amazing people and allowed us to make our house payment in December and to have Christmas thanks to some wonderful elves!  Now he is working but it wont be enough for all the basic house payment and utilities much less more but somehow we have to believe it will be ok.  Anyway, all that to share that the timing of me stopping blogging about my journey to health coincided with all that happening.  I have been depressed and getting more and more so as much as I fight it and tell myself to be content in all things and that God is in control.  I am ashamed of myself and the fear I have felt these past 6 months and to be quite honest still in the quite hours of the night still feel about all this.  But I know God is the provider and he has used some great people and some very interesting ways to care for us and I know he will continue too , at least at this moment I know it.  

Anyway back to my journey to a better me!  I know you are thinking yup, just all talk again.  I PRAY you are wrong.  The title starting with scared was more about this than the job and all.  I am flat out SCARED about my size, my health, my future , or potential lack there off one.  I look at my weight, I look at the picture of me coming into the living room carrying my baby Christmas morning and I bawl.  Am I even inside there anywhere?  Where is Tami?  For years as a big woman I thought well some folks can be large and be ok.  Its just how they are made.  My health was ok , no different than the joint issues and other issues I had since I was way smaller so what was the diff.  Well, now things are way worse.  The pain is way worse.  Shortness of breath you would not fathom.  I can't do anything , even basic care of myself without being short of breath and about to pass out.  I love to soak in my garden tub, but dread getting out, drying off and dressing because I feel dreadful when I do that.  It is sad.  I worry how my heart can hold up with 200 lbs of extra weight on this body?  that is another overweight person that I carry around on my body.  My healthy body weight for my height is between 140 and 150, so my goal weight is 145.  So basically I am 2 overweight women in one body.  I have skin issues and many issues that are strictly form being what my doctor calls ' Super Morbidly Obese"  Disgusting :(  I feel like so many people think well its your own fault.  well yes I guess it is.  I can go into so many things that may have contribute to this or that but what is the use.  I am a 345 Super Morbidly Obese Woman and that is that.  Now, I have to figure out a way to change that.  A way that works for someone this overweight.  My life depends on it.  I can't explain to you WHY I am all of a sudden scared for my life, other than more and more things are being affected by this weight.  I look at my children and I think I want so much more for them.  I want to have the energy to do things with them, and I do not want them to become what I am.  I hate who I am.  That is not politically correct, that is not the Christian attitude, but it is the fact.  So , now I start again.  little tiny step at a time but I start.  yes I have failed over and over and over and over.  But its either start again or order the piano box to be buried in and lay down and wait for this to be fatal.  I dont want to do that.  I WANT TO LIVE.  If anyone reading this at all can be a cheerleader and support for me PLEASE jump on board.  I KNOW I can't do this alone, I have already proven that.  I need friends, I need support, I need GOD but I also need people.  People who understand and people who dont.  People who will check on me, but not judge me.  I have one person I know truly cares and is pulling for me ad I thank God for her.  She is far away but I know she cares and wants me to win this battle.  You may think  this is nuts but for some reasson it is important for me that I share this hear, it is important that I make it public.  Yup, I worry about failing again, but I just have to keep trying.  It is so weird the things that are so hard for me.  All I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother.  And I am , but a sucky one.  One who can't care for her home, or herself because she is so big and in so much pain and exhaustion.  Little by little I have to change.  Right now I take care of my babies as best I can and fall out.  But I have to do more and more life things.  and little by little if I can loose a little I can do more and more exercise and maybe start living.  I am bawling my eyes out as I type this and my mind is going crazy with what will people things when they read this.  What do people think now when they look at the biggest person in the room walk in.  Somewhere in all this weight is Tami.  I need to find me in here, I need to seek God with alot of emotional as well as physical pain.  Is it important for me to know how I got this way?? I dont know?  but I do know it is important for me to TRY to just TRY and do something about it.

Me Christmas 2011.  Knowing my daughter had the camera to get pictures of us bringing the babies out to see what Santa left I shifted Jeremiah in front of me thinking it would hide me a bit.  I , of course, was wrong!