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Tuesday, January 18, 2011

IT HIT ME!!!!

Well, it REALLY hit me today when I started thinking about things I needed that we are going in August to the first ever Annual Taiwan R.O.C.ks family reunion in Texas.  AT A INDOOR WATERPARK!  ME, all 330 plus pounds of me!  EEEK  I will be meeting people I have come to love over the years in person for the first time and spending a day at a waterpark with them in a bathing suit which at my weight NOTHING is becoming on a woman but a swim suit really is not becoming!  EEEK EEEEK EEEK!  I am been so excited this was going to happen and I was goin  to meet them all but it hadn't really hit me yet what will it be like to be the LARGEST person at a resort :(  BUT I so want to meet some dear dear friends that I know for sure are coming and PRAY they will like me in person. TRYIN not to worry about what they will think of me :( 

anyway,  so update on things with me and the Journey...  I THINK I may have lost a little weight or inches or maybe I just rearranged it but my 2 pair of jeans fit a little looser so that may or may not be progress! LOL  I will say that things are slow but progress is coming.  One big change I have made and have so far been able to stick to most every day is eating less.  I consciously think about it and I think ok, normally I would eat this or that much or if we are eating out normally I would order this or that and make myself beyond full because i dont get it often, well intsead I am thinking ok, as long as I eat LESS than I would have in the past it is a change and it might make a difference.  :)  I think it might be doing that cuz even with some major battles with illness and NO exercise other than daily living I see a difference SLIGHTLY in clothes.  I just think if I keep that up, eating less than I normally would little by little that will make a difference and i can begin that as a forever thing rather than a diet that I wont keep up.  Most diets I would starve to death on because they have stuff I hate in them.  lol  And if for a good while I eat less than I use to eat, I can then in a month say, ok I am gonna eat even less again.  Sounds stupid I know but for now at least it is a small proactive way that I can be making changes.  A dear friend said in an email or comment one , dont remember. to each day or week again dont remember the exact quote to do something to improve my health.  Make some kind of goal or change in that direction.  THAT has been huge in my mind.  LITTLE things I can handle.  Like ok, instead of drinking another diet soda I will drink a glass of milk.  Now, I ADORE MILK, BUT there are a couple reasons I don't usually drink it.  ONE I have this thing about wasting calories!  LOL  IN MY MIND I dont want to waste a calorie on something I can't chew.  I never claimed to make any sence guys!  LOL  Anyway so that is one reason, and the other is that milk is more expensive that cheap off brand soda and I try to leave it for the kids.  Well, NOAH will not drink it most of the time now and that drives me nuts.  He will drink chocolate milk when we are out, but if I put milk in his cup he goes forever and just refuses to drink :(  even if I make the chocolate milk myself from sugar free syrup, nope he wont drink it.  one stubborn boy.  he use to drink us out of house and home on milk but not now.  luckily he likes water so that is good.  anyway, but a few times here and there I am drinking it thinking the nutrition in it is good for me.  though it is calories so for weight loss might not be so good. 

Water..well I basically HATE water, EXCEPT if it is very cold bottled water and only specific kids.  I have tried so hard to go to drining lots of water that is suppose to be so good for the body and helpful for weight loss but tha tis harder than fasting food! makin myself drink it.  Well, my mother loves water but again only bottled water.  Soo, we ware looking at getting Muisc Mountain water dispenser in our home.  She said she will split it so that would be $25 from us each month to do it.  BUT there is some up front costs that you have the first month and a one time fee so that is on the back burner for right now.  BUT I am praying we can get that done soon because I believe I will do MUCH better with drinking it if I have chilled water available all the time that I dont hate the taste of. LOL 

Exercise,
Well my body gospel arrived and it was NOT good.  It basically sent me into a depression.  I got a little over half way through and had to sit down and balled and bawled.  :(  I felt like such a failure and that Bobby wasted money we did not have to buy those for me.  That night we got it my daughter did it with me, which was so sweet.  And she made it all th eway through :)  She is great.  Well then for a good bit after I jus could not make myself try cuz I knew I would not be able to do it and like I said it kinda really depressed me how bad at it I was.  I am SOOOOO not in as good a shape as I use to be and it almost feels like it is just too late. :( I was cryin and sayin we were gonna have to save for a grand piano box to bury me in cuz I was just gonna keep gettin bigger and bigger :(  Well, I am battling that feeling now but it was not a fun thought and sometimes I do think it but try to tell it to shut up. lol  Then I got sick sick sick and so there has been no more workout since. Flu type aches make me not want to move at all.  not good excuses but its the truth and if I am gonna have a blog about this journey I need to be truthful. 

Spiritual.. I am going pretty good most days about getting to watch my Joyce Meyers sometimes I have to watch 2 or 3 cuz something happend and I missed a few but I LOVE it and could awatch them over and over.  She is a good teacher and holds my atteniton.  I have been working on being more faitful with a bible reading plan, and reading things on the net that have scripture in them.  And also a bit on bible memory on my phone.  Getting closer to God is a big step in a better me!  I need to work more on this step too.  when we can stay well we are going to a great Church with some other moms with kiddos that really want me to come to cell group on sunday night and get to know them better, I think that will be good for me too.  And of course when we get to be at Church and in worship, my FAVORITE place to be :)

Active~little by little I am trying to be a bit more active in some way each day.  I get out of breath easy and that drives me nuts and its not fair to my kids and I tend to NOT want to do stuff because of it, but I have to do it.  Our home has gotten so out of hand with illness after illness and so much goin on since Jeremiah joined our family 7 months ago.  I am telling myself 7 months is too long to be this disorganinzed and out of control.  I think the ICU and living at the hospital and all realy took a toll on my body physically and definitly on my home.  And since then tryin to get therapy and docs and so many things established, me bein sick, firbromyalgia kicked up, you name it and its like I am on the whilrwind and I just can't catch up or get anything done or figured out.  Well, I am working now on decluttering, getting rid of tihngs, simpyfying and doing small changes that wil help in big ways.  I got a new trash can!  SILLY as tha tmay be that was HUGE for me!  It is a BIG trash can that holds a 33 gallon bag!  NO more overflowing trash can watiing for someone to take it out.  we were filling up the 13 gallon one several times a day and the trash can really was smaller than that cuz ww can get WAAAAY more into this big one than the little one 3 or 4 times!  GREAT decision on my part :)  Today I got a little 3 drawer cabinet on sale for Noah to have a little art cabinet in our living room.  It will be good for him to have a place that is special for him to have some creativ ethings to use his creative energy that he can have easy access with persmission too.  I know you are thinking why is she talking about trash cans and art cabinets and my out of kilter house have to do wtih getting healthier and a better me but somehow for me they are all connected. 

Anyway, I just thought I would share a little about how things are even though I dont have any numbers to share or anything but I can share about progress in some small way and the news of looser jeans is huge for me!!!
This is me the other day. I had spent hours workin on getting hair dealt with.  It tangles really bad.  and it is usally up by the top of my head so I would have to be bald to resolve this issue which Bobby says NO WAY to :) lol  and I can't say I blame him. Not to keen on the idea either.

These were taken New years eve on the anniversary of Bobby's proposal to me.  Celeste started acting silly and we are cuttin up in the bathroom of a restraunt! LOL  YES WE ARE CRAZY!

another shot

posed now

my trash can!  I want some apple decals to put on it to go with my kitchen! :) 

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year, New Me, better Me???? PRAYERFULLY

Hi all

for those that are still following Hello and I know you have heard this from me before so you are probably already thinking oh dear, she says she is gonna loose weight again.  Well, sorta yes.  I am PRAYING to loose or at the very least NOT GAIN anymore.  I am praying to pray more about what I do before I do it in all aspects of my life, be it eating, exercise, or any aspect of my day. To be intentional about allowing GOD direct my life. And to get healthier and let GOD direct that too. PRAY I dont die! LOL we ordered some body gospel work out dvd's. I was SHOCKED Bobby agreed to get them as we are having to make it in 2 payments but I guess he thought investing in our health was a good thing.  They are all to praise music and there is prayer in them and they put GOD at the center of your workout! Now for me working out is gonna be an issue period between my massive size, my bad knees, and other painful issues,  but I am determined to do the best I can. Bobby says he is going to do them with me which will be fun when he does. and I figure even if I can't do them all, or the way the ones on there are doing I can worship and MOVE in some way even if some has to be in my chair. Little by little maybe I will be stronger!  I figure Noah will try to at least jump around and praise while its all going on :)  heehee and Jeremiah LOVES music and laughter and I am sure I will be laughing at myself quite a bit!  LOL 

Also praying for an elliptical to fall from the sky! LOL May sound funny but if God can bridge the ocean TWICE and send all the funds for these 2 boys adoption then an elliptical is nothing! LOL  It is the machine I used so much at Fitness Lady before Noah came home and I did loose some weight with it but the biggest thing was I gained strength and stamina and just did better overall.  I was healthier when Noah came home than I think I have been in years before or since. 

Weight, well that is a sad thing to admit.  Last year my goal was to loose 10 in 2010 .  Well, I did that, BUT gained it and more with it back.  I can use excuses and Jeremiah's journey with all the fundraising, and the trip and the hospital as excuses I suppose but does it really matter?  sad thing is I am bigger now than then.  To be honest I don't know my weight :(  Either my scale is psycho or I outweigh its maximum because I stand on it and it says E.  I know in he past I have weighed 330 on it so I am assuming I am more than that, but no clue how much more.  I am praying about buying a nice scale that goes up higher so I KNOW where I am at but again expense is an issue.  Course with all he sales right now who knows. 

IF you are following along PLEASE share and let me know.  I hate to say it but I soo NEED to support and encouragement and to feel that someone cares that I get healthier, that I feel better, that I look better.  I am praying about sharing some of the really hard/ TMI things about being super morbidly obese (the category I have been in for awhile now) but am not sure what folks will think of that.  Sometimes lately especially I cry my eyes out about some of what I am physically dealing with because of my weight.  I gross myself out.  Joyce Meyer said during a program the other day.  STOP telling yourself bad and negative things, STOP looking at yourself as YOU see yourself and look at what GOD SEES INSIDE.  She said if you speak the negative enough you become it.  200 lbs ago I said I was fat.  I wasn't then but boy am I now.  So yup my words had power.  Now I am not saying if I say I am thin it will happen, lol would be nice though but I am also striving for emotional and spiritual heathy in this journey.  I have to find tihngs in me God sees as good and focus on those as I work to improve the ouside and th enot good things about me.  the biggest thing in me is JESUS is there.  So at the core HE IS IN ME.  This workout program we have ordered puts GOD at the core of your workout, well if HE is in me, what better thing to do!  I am also signed up to do a Boss Your Heart 2011 Bible Challenge in honor of my friend Lorraine's sweet Chrissie who is now dancing before Jesus in Heaven.  THIS will be a huge part in a new and better me!  We are visiting a Church that we have decided God has said THIS IS IT and will be joining it soon.  It is so hard for me to go and do and be the biggest person whereever we go :(  I feel like everyone hates me and its hard but I also KNOW I need Church, I NEED worship, I NEED fellowship, I NEED friends. 

Another motivator for me is that in August I will get to meet some DEAR friends in person for the first time ever.  I am PRAYING that as many as possible of them are coming cuz I want to meet them all.  We will be attending the Taiwan ROCks Family Reunion with as many other familes that have adopted from Taiwan as we can gather :)  It will be at Great Wolf Lodge with an indoor water park.  can you say EEEK for a super morbidly obese woman to be at a water park.  It is bad enough to meet them all for the first time in clothes but SWIMMING SUITS!  EEK lol  So I realize I am not gonna be skinny by August, BUT I can be better lookin than I am now. lol  and the BIGGEST thing is I want to FEEL BETTER, BE STRONGER, and have MORE STAMINA to enjoy the time playing and visiting with everyone in addition to caring for my family at a resort! :)  This is HUGE for our family to take a real vacation and we are starting to save now!  It will be so worth it all and we plan to somehow attend every year no matter where it is located.  How fun, a vacation every year and get to spend time with other families with children from Taiwan! :)  WIN WIN! 

well, I have so babbled on here, I hope someone read at all and that someone finished!  lol

PLEASE be praying for me!
Thanks