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Don't faint that I am actually blogging on this blog again. I spent an amazing 24 hours with the Lord and about 50 plus women on a retreat!! The theme of the weekend was MORE!!! More of God. He came to give ME life and give it MORE abundantly! I am alive. I have life. But its not abundant right now. Alot of things happened in and through me this weekend and one biggie was some major feelings and stirrings to do with WHY I am 350lbs. Why I can't seen to loose and continue loosing weight. Also some very eye opening experiences realizing just how not living I am. This weekend was HARD HARD Physially. I am in agony and can barely move now that I have driven home. Lots of walking, up and down a small hill outside, up and down some steep steps many times. Everyone else it was just normal for them. For me every step agony, and I was so short of breath and emotional. I could not stand in worship the whole time, I could not jump when my inner self craved to jump in worship, though I did go up and down on my toes and boy am I paying for it now. All that to say lots of self reflection. BUT I think this weekend more than ever before I am seeing this spiritual battle. I am not even sure how to put this into words. But I think I have to break out of my own self, out of the fat, and prayerfully out of the joint and pain and breathing issues. Its like I am surrounded by this super morbid obesity shell. What purpose is it serving me other than to take life from me. So WHY is it so hard, WHY can't I manage to do this no matter what I try, WHY can't I do this even when I have been praying and saying I can do all things with GOD. There is a spiritual reason I am this way. I can't find the words I need but somehow the weight is how I am getting the internal needs I have always craved since I was a child. BUT they are not actually filling the need but somehow I think that is how it started. There is something deep inside all this fat that has to heal. That has to get to a point it can truly accept that Jesus would have died for just me. that Father God really loves me even at 350 lbs. That though I hate myself HE does not hate me, He can love me and sees past it all. Why am I blogging, I have no clue but this weekend feels so important and I feel like I need to record this as best I an get the feelign out. which I am bombing at :( I think somehow this is a turning point, a beginning to really beating this. I need PRAYER. I need to fully understand all this and figure out why I have put this shell around me and can't let it be broken off and what I need to do to break it away , to break out and live MORE! Live life abundantly! Actually live and move and be active and not in agony and hate myself. It seems SOOOO clear to me during worship today and now I can't figure out how to put this into words. I have to get past this hopelessness I have been in and wor on seeking FIRST the Kingdom and the rest will be added. Monday morning I start a Bible Study from Time Warped Wife with 3 amazing friends! I think God's timing is perfect. I need MORE and MORE of Him so I can figure out what it is I really need to do. I can't go on this way and I have to find a way to not fail. Something broke in me today and I pray it is the first chain falling off that is holding me in this bondage of super morbid obesity. Thank you if you read this and for your prayers as seek to understand what this means and how I can truly do this with God.
