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Sunday, November 25, 2012

Failure

 
 
Failure
 
That is the only title I can come up with as I post tonight.  I doubt anybody still is reading the "Journey" blog but just in case thought I would post and I guess for me I need to post.  It hit me after the hardest week in I do not know when for our family that it is almost been a year since I began this journey again and said THIS TIME I would do it.  THIS TIME I would not give up.  THIS TIME would work.  Well like so many things in life THIS TIME I failed again!  December 29th is a year and it is fast approaching.  At last weigh in I am 325.  Down from 345 last year on Dec 29th but not as far down as I got and not even under 300.  I could not even get that done in 11 months.  I guess I should be happy I have mainI am tained at least 20 lbs of the loss.  and I am.  I fear this is totally impossible for me to do.  I just dont know.  Sometimes I wonder if some people are just meant to be super morbidly obese.  Lately I also wonder if some people are meant to be poor forever.  For anyone who does not know my hubby is without a job again.  He lost the WONDERFUL Railroad job that had such good pay and benefits and a good future for us.  we are TRYING to trust God and be thankful for HIS protection in that for some reason tha twas not a good job for Bobby we guess.  PRAYING hard for a new job.  Anyway I am off my subject of my failed journey.  As I reflect on the past 11 months and the name of this blog now.  A Journey to a better me!  Well, am I better 11 monts later.  humm  one could say in some ways yes but most would say no.  I am 20 lbs less so I guess that is better and I have learned alot both health wise and spiritually.  I was diagnosed with thyroid issues and medication started and stopped several times.  I am this week back on medication and trying that.  I have added b12 to help with the Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue so that is good.  I still have a gym membership though have not been able to use it in months.  BUT a new nurse is set to start this week (if it happens this time) which will allow me at least a couple days a week at the gym again.  The fact I miss the gym could maybe be stated as better.  I just really dont know.  Spiritually till this last couple weeks I thought I was doing so much better and being changed from the inside out but now I just dont know that either.  The day Bobby lost his job we also lost his sister.  Within hours of each other. As I spent the last 4 hours of her life in the room with her and our family  I had so many questions for God.  I still do.  I feel guilty that I am questioning things.  The thoughts I have lately are just scary to me and I pray the Lord forgives me for these doubts and fears.  Anyway I just recently rejoined ww online and so that will continue to come out of my disability as will they gym because I have a contract for that.  I would love to say I am gonna do this, I am gonna make THIS TIME the time.  THIS YEAR 2013 coming up THE YEAR.  But with ALL my heart I believe 2012 was my year and I failed.  Again.  so I just can't say at this point.  I am sorry for everyone I let down.  My hat is off to my friends Charlotte who lost over 200 lbs and Danita who lost over 100 lbs.  I can't loose 50 much less over 200.  Yall are amazing women and my hero's.  I can say this journey to a better me is not over cuz I am not dead yet, I am not being cut out of my house and buried in the piano box yet.  And I pray it never happens.  Right now it is hard to come up with the energy to keep dishes clean clothes clean and kids needs met so it overwhlems me to think about doing anything else but there is a tiny something deep inside that still wants to try but then sense tells me you have failed so many times.  I mean if enough people tell you tha tyou are drunk lie down.  If you are reading this thank you for caring and again I am sorry I let you down.
 
 
 
me and the babies before Bobby's sister ( my sis since we got married) memorial service.