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Saturday, August 18, 2012


So as you can see I have not posted in almost 4 weeks.  I am struggling with so many things.  To be honest with illness,  trips to ER with kids, Medical trips, stress, upsets, sadness, some private things going on and the list goes on I have not even touch a scale in a couple weeks.  I was down the week after this I think I remember but never got on and posted.  I am struggling with if this is even really possible.  If I have what it takes to even do this.  I am having to pray though those feelings, and pray through and make decisions about how to make myself and the time to work out and get healthy fit into all the other needs in my life and nobody suffer.  I am very very prayerful lately.  I know that the journey to a better me has to happen from the inside out and so I am trying hard to focus on spiritual at this point.  I need it anyway with all this other but I do believe it will help with this journey too.  This journey I am not even really sure is possible but that i am trying to get back on the road to the journey rather than totally just stopping.  

I am clinging to this with this weight loss and health journey but also to so many things in my life lately.  

I am posting these 2 pictures more to maybe help someone else than even for myself.  I have fallen under some judgement an I am just really feeling that some people who have never walked in my shoes can not fathom to understand what I think, feel and how things are for me.  I see so many in life who judge others, and so many times it is from a place of having never been there!  How many of us have had well meaning folks tell us how to raise our children when they themselves have never had a child??  How do you feel you can judge others, even if you have been where they are, everyone is a totally different person so each person has different ways of dealing with things.  But no matter what it just is not a good thing to judge people and also to be conditional in your relationship.  You can really hurt someone to the core by being conditional in how much time you spend with them, or in anything to do with  your relationship and not even really realize you are doing it I think.  

I just know for me so much of my life has been spent trying to fit in with someone or a group of someone's.  Trying to get someone to care, someone to life me, someone to include me.  Jumping through hoops to be who they wanted me to be, even if who they wanted me to be was a good thing, it is still not good if I loose their care, their time, their whatever because I fail at being who they wanted me to be.  If you are in a place in your life where people are judging you, or where you can match up to what they think you should be then PLEASE know that it is probably not intentional on their part, that is my prayer in my situations, and that if you have to jump through any hoops, no matter how big or how small, then it is probably not a true friendships or relationship or whatever.  

Ok, I know alot of this may not make sense.  I am praying somehow sharing this helps someone else.  And I am also needed to be totally honest with myself on my journey and with those who may truly care and be following along.  There are ups in downs in life and there are ups and downs in my journey. 

I feel very weak, very overwhelmed and very alone. For those who I may have inspired I am sorry if I let yall down, but right now I just am having a hard time right now.  I have not totally quit or given up just yet but I am battling and wondering if maybe the end result that I dream of is just not a happening thing for me.  Then I think with me at the weight i was at last weigh in I am still super morbily obese and I wonder am I digging my own grave in that piano box by not having what it takes to do this.  Sorry guys, I am just bein real about where I am , maybe so someone else will know they are not alone when they have feelings, or maybe so that someone will know I need prayer.  I just don't know.  I am trying to decide if I should even weigh in Monday or  should I just try to get back in the groove and not worry or wait and weigh in next week or I dunno.  I worry if I see the scale it might make things worse.  I just dont know.