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Saturday, April 25, 2015

Weigh In Saturday April 25, 2014/New Beginning AGAIN

 A New Beginning AGAIN!

Today's Weigh in:
350 lbs
Loss: none
BMI: 56.5
Starting weight AGAIN: 350 lbs 
Goal weight 125 lbs

So I am officially back at my top weight, not that I lost anything significant or for any amount of time.  Many "goals" in mind for myself at this point but I guess the biggest short term goal is to loose over 30 lbs and then KEEP loosing.  

That is a huge thing for me at this point.  Being able to find a way to loose period, to actually get RID of weight.  I do not want it back ever again!  I need to peel the layers of this shell around me off so that God can use me!  Use me for my kids, Use me for my husband, Use me for orphans, Use me to help hurting girls and women, Use me to serve at my Church, Use me for the kingdom!  I feel like the weight and the wall or shell it puts around me is affecting way more of my life that I realized.  I want to come back here in a few months and read this and have made true progress, that does not leave again!  The physical healing I believe is going to come from internal spiritual and emotional healing.  I KNOW the Lord has healed me of so much!  I do NOT discount that bondage He brought me out of, but I think these layers of super morbid obesity hold some more things inside that need healed for HIM!  and for me!  And if you have been here awhile and are reading this first of all THANK YOU! Secondly I know you are thinking here we go again.  I NEED your prayer so that this AGAIN is THE AGAIN that sticks!  

This blog is about becoming a better me! And for the most part that is through getting healthy, loosing weight and becoming functional physically.  But it is about more than that.  It is about being a better me period.  I know that one of the steps in that is being able to use my words.  Being able to lay down fears, thoughts, pain, shame, etc are all steps towards being useable!  So in addition to the weight loss prayers I am asking for this week I am asking for prayer that I can move towards not hiding me, not hiding thoughts and feelings, not hiding what God has healed me from, and not hiding in my heart scars that are visible and I thought I was hiding.  

Sunday, April 19, 2015


So today I come to you , anyone that may actually still be reading this blog and say HELP!  Now, by saying this I do not mean I want different people with whatever weight loss program or shake, or juice or whatever you may be using to contact me to tell me the one you use is the answer.  I know they all seem to work great for some people and that is awesome.  But what I need is first and foremost PRAYER!  I am feeling like I am in a battle for my life.  If you have been around very long you know this is not the first time I have felt that nor the first time I have tried to get healthy and loos all this weight.  I know there is a spiritual battle going on for sure with this.  I am not sure what I am suppose to be learning and I hope I hurry up and learn it before this costs me my life.  In some ways it has.  This weekend my son had his birthday party, It took everything in me and making a spectacle of myself for me to even get to standing on the tumble tramp and try to jump (or my version there off as my feet could not leave but just kinda push in and out.  It made me exhausted!  Others were running around with their kids and having fun and I am sitting.  A friend is off with Noah getting pictures for me which was awesome but I am missing out on his life.  Missing out on my life.  I went to a youth dinner theatre fundraiser not long ago and saw pictures of our Church family in Jamaica last year on the mission trip and I can't tell you what welled up inside me and how bad I want to go and I think there is no way.  I could not even stand up long enough to wait to get on the plane forget all it would require for me to go.  I am thinking back over life and remember I have NEVER felt normal, never felt energy.  As a child I remember lying about being sick because it was just so hard to get up and get dressed and go.  I went to school alot of times with my hair a wreck because I just was to tired to brush it.  There is so much of life I see people do and I am just in shock!  I want that!  I went to a Ladies retreat and God did so much in me!  I saw women strolling back and forth to the dining room, strolling to the lake.  I was so short of breath just getting back and forth where I had to go.  No going to explore anything for pleasure. I stood a long time at the lake because I could not make myself do the exercise we were to do and that God was calling me to do, for days after I hurt so bad just from standing that long.  I hate that I am this way.  Today my daughter did lunch with Noah for his birthday and so we met her and I had to park in a non handicap space and pull further on one side so room to get my son in his wheelchair.  when I got there it worked fine.  When it came time to leave the car that had arrived was parked so close I could not , no matter how hard I tried to squeeze myself in, get into my van to leave.  I am crying and sweating like crazy and I just can't fit :(   I had to stand there in pain kinda leaning in the back door by the boys till the people came out and left so I could get in the van.  We went to a play with the boys recently and it was at a school.  I barely fit in the chairs, ok I did not fit but I sat in it and I had bruises on my hips and was in so much pain the whole play.  I just kept wishing it over and not enjoying it as much as I should.  I carried Jeremiah in from the van after lunch today and I fall in the chair, heart pounding and short of breath and literal tears down my face.  What is that for him :(  It is harder and harder because I am worse and worse.  I am to big to live life normally and I hate it and I hate me.  I know its wrong but that is another battle here.  I watch other people and so I know!  This is not normal life :(  I worry as I watch 600 lb life that this will be me!  I see women on there who refuse to get up after surgery and I think I am not 600 lbs and it hurts to stand, hurts to walk and is getting almost impossible without the wheelchair or stroller to hold on to.  So I know I need to change, I know I want to change, I know I have to change!  I know that part of my throwing something in that lake at my retreat was me throwing this weight in , this shell around me, and making myself useful for God's service.  There are thinks I ache to ask to jump into at Church but I know I can't.  I can't even stand up long enough.  Sooo I come to you and I lay it all out and I say I NEED prayer!  I feel now more than ever this is life and death, not just life that I am not able to live because I am on the sidelines, though that too, but I am literally scared for my physical life.  How hard my organs have to work etc.  I know the single biggest thing I need is HELP.  I need PRAYER!  I need support and I need folks to not give up on me as I have myself!  I know this is the first step.  PRAYER>  lots and lots of prayer!  I need prayer to be release this bondage of super morbid obesity, I need prayer to try yet again, I need prayer to stay motivated, I need pray to balance all of life and do what is needed for this and my kids, my husband, and all of life.  PLEASE join me in prayer.  I am not going to be posting on fb this time every time I workout, everytime I track something or whatever.  I will try to update this blog so I can see the journey if I EVER manage to actually make progress.  I am posting a link to this post because more people will see it to pray.  Please please pray.  I can't do this.  But HE can do this if I can figure out how to let Him!  Thank you if you read this and if you are praying,

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

I saw this quote and it so sums up alot God has been doing in me for a long time but in hyperdrive recently! Just as the walk I have with the Lord to follow Him with my life is not about religion but about relationship so is so much of this life! My prayer is that God will take my MESS and turn it into a message! What God has done for me, what He has brought me through in personal healing, what He has done in bridging the ocean and bringing my boys home, and so much more is all amazing and overwhelming to me but it is not about me. Its about HIM! and Its about people! I do not want to continue to allow fear to keep me from sharing what God has done because then I can't be used. I want to be Jesus with skin on for others! The words in this picture are soo true! It is ALWAYS about people! Jesus came for the people! "He did NOT give you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind"!! Clinging to that and taking the next layer off to what what He leads, whatever that may be! I am not sure WHY I am suppose to share this tonight, But I know one thing. No matter WHAT you are thinking, WHAT is going on with you right now, WHAT is overtaking you, GOD IS ABLE!