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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Scared and trying...need help...starting again

So if I have any folks still following this blog I am sure you are saying to yourself, here she goes again.  Yup, here she is again gonna try and loose weight, gonna get healthy, gonna make changes, etc.  Those who have been around for the past few years have seen me do that with this blog a few times.  The last time I tried I did loose a little weight but have gained it back and more.  I am not really positive what happend, but when I came here today to make a post about trying yet again to do this I saw the last post I made and the date.  It was right after a trip to baton rouge last June.  Life that day took a HUGE turn for us.  My husband was budget cut from a 20 year career on the DAY of his 20 years.  He needed 25 to draw full retirement and we are thankful they gave him his retirement but it is a very very tiny check.  Nowhere near what it would have been.  We are able to keep our insurance with us paying what we did before so that is a blessing too but that then take most of the check, so basically its insurance.  Either way its not enough to survive on.  The trip to Baton rouge and the dr's was already planned for our sweet Jeremiah and turned out he had to go to baton rouge to complete the retirement process so the trip became a joint thing.  Little did we know then how long and hard the journey ahead of us was to become.  about a month later he did get a temp job that did not pay much but at least it was money coming in and he got some leave bought back from him by the job which between that and God kept us from totally drowning.  But that temp job did not last long.  Here we are 6 months later and he has a new job now.  It pays less than half what he was making before and so things are not great but prayerfully we can try and keep from drowning.  God blessed us through some amazing people and allowed us to make our house payment in December and to have Christmas thanks to some wonderful elves!  Now he is working but it wont be enough for all the basic house payment and utilities much less more but somehow we have to believe it will be ok.  Anyway, all that to share that the timing of me stopping blogging about my journey to health coincided with all that happening.  I have been depressed and getting more and more so as much as I fight it and tell myself to be content in all things and that God is in control.  I am ashamed of myself and the fear I have felt these past 6 months and to be quite honest still in the quite hours of the night still feel about all this.  But I know God is the provider and he has used some great people and some very interesting ways to care for us and I know he will continue too , at least at this moment I know it.  

Anyway back to my journey to a better me!  I know you are thinking yup, just all talk again.  I PRAY you are wrong.  The title starting with scared was more about this than the job and all.  I am flat out SCARED about my size, my health, my future , or potential lack there off one.  I look at my weight, I look at the picture of me coming into the living room carrying my baby Christmas morning and I bawl.  Am I even inside there anywhere?  Where is Tami?  For years as a big woman I thought well some folks can be large and be ok.  Its just how they are made.  My health was ok , no different than the joint issues and other issues I had since I was way smaller so what was the diff.  Well, now things are way worse.  The pain is way worse.  Shortness of breath you would not fathom.  I can't do anything , even basic care of myself without being short of breath and about to pass out.  I love to soak in my garden tub, but dread getting out, drying off and dressing because I feel dreadful when I do that.  It is sad.  I worry how my heart can hold up with 200 lbs of extra weight on this body?  that is another overweight person that I carry around on my body.  My healthy body weight for my height is between 140 and 150, so my goal weight is 145.  So basically I am 2 overweight women in one body.  I have skin issues and many issues that are strictly form being what my doctor calls ' Super Morbidly Obese"  Disgusting :(  I feel like so many people think well its your own fault.  well yes I guess it is.  I can go into so many things that may have contribute to this or that but what is the use.  I am a 345 Super Morbidly Obese Woman and that is that.  Now, I have to figure out a way to change that.  A way that works for someone this overweight.  My life depends on it.  I can't explain to you WHY I am all of a sudden scared for my life, other than more and more things are being affected by this weight.  I look at my children and I think I want so much more for them.  I want to have the energy to do things with them, and I do not want them to become what I am.  I hate who I am.  That is not politically correct, that is not the Christian attitude, but it is the fact.  So , now I start again.  little tiny step at a time but I start.  yes I have failed over and over and over and over.  But its either start again or order the piano box to be buried in and lay down and wait for this to be fatal.  I dont want to do that.  I WANT TO LIVE.  If anyone reading this at all can be a cheerleader and support for me PLEASE jump on board.  I KNOW I can't do this alone, I have already proven that.  I need friends, I need support, I need GOD but I also need people.  People who understand and people who dont.  People who will check on me, but not judge me.  I have one person I know truly cares and is pulling for me ad I thank God for her.  She is far away but I know she cares and wants me to win this battle.  You may think  this is nuts but for some reasson it is important for me that I share this hear, it is important that I make it public.  Yup, I worry about failing again, but I just have to keep trying.  It is so weird the things that are so hard for me.  All I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother.  And I am , but a sucky one.  One who can't care for her home, or herself because she is so big and in so much pain and exhaustion.  Little by little I have to change.  Right now I take care of my babies as best I can and fall out.  But I have to do more and more life things.  and little by little if I can loose a little I can do more and more exercise and maybe start living.  I am bawling my eyes out as I type this and my mind is going crazy with what will people things when they read this.  What do people think now when they look at the biggest person in the room walk in.  Somewhere in all this weight is Tami.  I need to find me in here, I need to seek God with alot of emotional as well as physical pain.  Is it important for me to know how I got this way?? I dont know?  but I do know it is important for me to TRY to just TRY and do something about it.

Me Christmas 2011.  Knowing my daughter had the camera to get pictures of us bringing the babies out to see what Santa left I shifted Jeremiah in front of me thinking it would hide me a bit.  I , of course, was wrong!

Monday, June 20, 2011

Monday Weigh in...27th day of weight watchers!

Well, this week I got a big shock.  I actually did not gain and lost 12.8 ounces!  I can't believe it!  It was a rough week emotionally, it was a rough week eating wise because we were out of town at a hotel that provided free breakfast and supper and was NOT weight watchers friendly, though good food but not in the way of calories.  It was FRIED chicken strips, nacho bar, baked potatoes (which I did do a baked potatoe and that was not too bad but to put anything on it available made it not as good.  I should have just eaten plain baked potatoe the whole time but didnt.  Anyway things of that nature.  they did have pretzels available which is good becuase they are not bad and you can have a bunch to a serving. We were very active, we swam every day and I would do bunny hop across pool and back and then side step etc.  Carrying one or both babies the entire time! We also took turns working out in the gym each night!  It was actually knda nice having the gym right there in the building and gettng babies settled and going down!  LOVED THAT :)  Anyway, I was so worried I had gained but am trilled it was a loss! even a tiny one.  Praying to do better next week!

Monday, June 13, 2011

3rd Weigh in Day

This morning is my 3rd weigh in on my Weight Watchers and day 20 doing weight watchers.  Since last Monday I have lost 4 pounds!!  and a total of 13.2 lbs since I began weight watchers 20 days ago! :)  That puts me at 331.8 pounds.  You can't reallly tell by looking at me but the scale shows it and my clothes are showing it a bit!  I really did not think I was going to do well this week with Jeremiah's gotcha day celebration this week at Chinese buffet.  Researching most things I eat at chinese are NOT good as far as points go so that was worrysome.  I just only at the things I loved the best and tried to eat less than I normally would.  The beauty of weight watchers is you can eat anything as long as you track it and stay in your points.  And you have weekly points for days you go over your daily points that are there for the purpose of special occasion, date night, etc.  Anyway I did go over a few days this week into the weekly points but I reckon it still worked out ok, unless it affects me next week with lower loss, not sure yet.  I only got to the gym a few days this week because child care is proving to be an issue but when I go it is so good (though I think I am dying at the time! LOL)  Praying to figure out more and more ways to go more.  My goal for this week is to go every other day.  We are going out of town Wed through firday or saturday for a dr appoitment and a meeting bobby needs to go to and I am praying the hotel has a gym, if not that may mess up my goal.  Also it will be a rough week because we are staying at a hote that has free breakfast and free supper but its like baked potatoes every night, and then otehr things rotate like nacho bar, hamburgers, hot dogs, etc.  Not necessarily healthiest foods but it is included in our reasonable room rate and it make the trip more affordable!  If you ever have an option to stay at a Drury in take it!  I have friends who have stayed at this one so I know they are as good as advertised which makes it a great thing!  Anyway I can use yall prayers to help me still do good.

THANK YOU LORD that YOU are my strength in this journey too!

Monday, June 6, 2011

2nd Weigh In Day

Well, Today is my 2nd Weigh in day and day 13 on Weight Watchers.  I lost 1 lb and 6 oz this week.  I am not thrilled with that number but am thankful I LOST instead of gained!  It was a rough week of learning how to do this in the real world outside of my house.  Memorial Day, My daughter's birthday (eating out twice AND going to the movie) and my mother's monthly shopping and lunch out all fell on the same week!  So with all that I think well maybe I did pretty ok.  I dont want to allow myself any excuses with this but I did loose, just not at least 2 lbs that I had set as a goal for each week bare minimum and definittly not the 7 lbs 6 oz I lost last week..  Anyway, it is a total of 9 lbs and 2 oz since I started weight watchers GONE!  That I can be thankful for.  I think I can actually do better if I can figure out the gym more.  I keep praying they will up and decide to offer child care, but for now we have to work it out as we can.  I have been very active just not able to get to gym every day.  As I get a bit more healthier I think I will be able to do better at doing the body gospel video's at least in part and that will help.  I have a crazy week this week, my baby Jeremiah's 1 year gotcha day is tomorow!  I will be at chinese buffet.  I am planning THAT to be ALL my weekly points! Ad drink lots of water!  Just remembered I have NOT ordered the cake!  EEEK  More from me next week! and for those that follow the family blog I WILL do an update soon I promose!

 I am very into butterflies now!  They are the symbol of my weight loss journey!  They symbolize the new life I have in Christ and the new life that is forming again in this journey to health and weight loss!

Monday, May 30, 2011

Well, FINALLY I may have found a way to do this!!

Hi all,

So if you have been following along with this blog the few times I have posted you probaby are thinking yeah right, she keeps saying she wants to get healthy and loose weight and then nothing seems to happen.  First and foremost I KNOW GOD is the one who can help me do this, BUT He needs me to commit to the maximum degree and not just sit around saying I am waiting on him to free me from the bondage of obesity.  I KNOW I DO NOT HAVE THE STRENGTH to do this on my own!  I feel that God has led me to join Weigh WAtchers online program.  I realy hope to evenutally do the actual meetings as well because I believe that would help even more, but that is $40 a month more i do not have.  I love the online tracking and all and between the ojnline website tracing and the app on my phone and all it is really helpful.  I actually joined Weight Watchers this past tuesday night (may 24th).  I was quite excited that day and thought of coming to post then about it and thought, well, everyone is probably tired of hearing me say I am gonna loose weight and get healthy so I didnt.  Well, I set Monday mornings as my weigh in day.  So I weighed this morning and I lost 7 lbs 6 oz!  I know when you need to loose 200 that is not alot, but it is a loss.  Granted I am bigger now than when I started this blog, but still at least I am heading in the right direction.  Bobby, Celeste and I all joined a new gym out here called Fit Nation that is only 17.00 a month per person.  They do not have child care so it will be challenging to take turns and make it work, but I am so excited to go.  We are also going to start the body gospel back up ( I wil just have to do as much as I can because passing out is NOT a good option when tryin to work out! LOL  Weight watchers is also cool because it can show you how farily normal things like rearragning furniture is excercise!  Poor bobby, all I need is another excuse to rearrange things and reaorganize! LOL  Been working alot on trying to reorganzie and make things be more organized and less cluttered.  so many things you can buy for that but it is all so high.  we have gotten a few things and will see how that works. Anyway, just wanted to share the newest step in my journey.  If you or anyone you know is on weight watchers and uses the online etools and community please share my id there.  I need friends there and as much support as I can get!  I am TAMIJOY4HIM on weight watchers :)  I would love to hear encouragement from anyone who is willing.  I am on facebook too as Tamijoysisemore so you can find me there too.  Also, if you have any good recipes for vegetable side dishes I can try let me know. I am extremely picky and there are so few I can stand so it will be challenging. most of all PLEASE be praying for me.  I am what is called super morbidly obese.  I need to loose 200 lbs.  IF I consistently loose 2 lbs a week EVERY week it will take me 2 years to reach my goal.  I am investing in this with all I have.  Paying the monthly fee for ww online, paying for the gym, buying member kit and anything else I can find at a good price that will help.  I soo want to do the meetings but we will have to see how that works out.  But I hope by putting money into this it will help me be more faithful to it and I am praying it really will work.  Some have said you should not be spending money to loose weight, well, for me for now this is what I believe God would have me to do.  I appreciate all prayers and support!


Friday, March 11, 2011

failure

well here I sit still the biggest woman I know and very likely one of the biggest on the planet.  I am workin on little changes but it sure does not feel like anything ever will do any good and that must maybe some people are just born to be super morbidly obese and have to be buried in piano boxes.  It feels like I will just keep getting bigger until I have to be cut out of th ehouse and buried that way.   I know it sounds morbid but bein super morbidly obese is morbid.  I had so hoped by now I would be doing better and I really feel worse!  I am soo exhausted and no energy.  I miss so much of life because I am just to tired to go and walk around at the boardwalk or wherever.  I try and then am so short of breath it is not funny.  Prayin for an elliptical is still top on my list.  Even 5 minutes on it 5 times a day would be something and it did help before, helped with energy and with stamina and even a tad with weight loss.  I was healthier before Noah than ever in my life when I went to fitness lady for water aerobics and elliptical.  but $100 a month is just not in the plans for me at this point and by now it might be more.  But people buy ellipticals and then maybe dont use it so they can give to me.  LOL  well I can dream and pray....right! 

Also praying about hormone replacement therapy after my devastating hysterectomy.  Alot about me has never been the same and I just keep thinking there has to be a right thing to help.  Praying about talkin to dr again about it. 

i eat less now than most everyone in our house except Jeremiah and am still the biggest.  not sure food is my issue but its just me ya know. 

not sure why I am writing I am sure those than were cheerin me on are so disappointed in my yet again failure.  I thought about deleting the blog all together but for some reason I decide to post instead.  maybe venting how I am feeling will help.  I dunno.

I feel like the worse mother on the planet and that my kids suffer because of me and I hate it.  tryin hard to not look at negatives but I seem to be full of it.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

IT HIT ME!!!!

Well, it REALLY hit me today when I started thinking about things I needed that we are going in August to the first ever Annual Taiwan R.O.C.ks family reunion in Texas.  AT A INDOOR WATERPARK!  ME, all 330 plus pounds of me!  EEEK  I will be meeting people I have come to love over the years in person for the first time and spending a day at a waterpark with them in a bathing suit which at my weight NOTHING is becoming on a woman but a swim suit really is not becoming!  EEEK EEEEK EEEK!  I am been so excited this was going to happen and I was goin  to meet them all but it hadn't really hit me yet what will it be like to be the LARGEST person at a resort :(  BUT I so want to meet some dear dear friends that I know for sure are coming and PRAY they will like me in person. TRYIN not to worry about what they will think of me :( 

anyway,  so update on things with me and the Journey...  I THINK I may have lost a little weight or inches or maybe I just rearranged it but my 2 pair of jeans fit a little looser so that may or may not be progress! LOL  I will say that things are slow but progress is coming.  One big change I have made and have so far been able to stick to most every day is eating less.  I consciously think about it and I think ok, normally I would eat this or that much or if we are eating out normally I would order this or that and make myself beyond full because i dont get it often, well intsead I am thinking ok, as long as I eat LESS than I would have in the past it is a change and it might make a difference.  :)  I think it might be doing that cuz even with some major battles with illness and NO exercise other than daily living I see a difference SLIGHTLY in clothes.  I just think if I keep that up, eating less than I normally would little by little that will make a difference and i can begin that as a forever thing rather than a diet that I wont keep up.  Most diets I would starve to death on because they have stuff I hate in them.  lol  And if for a good while I eat less than I use to eat, I can then in a month say, ok I am gonna eat even less again.  Sounds stupid I know but for now at least it is a small proactive way that I can be making changes.  A dear friend said in an email or comment one , dont remember. to each day or week again dont remember the exact quote to do something to improve my health.  Make some kind of goal or change in that direction.  THAT has been huge in my mind.  LITTLE things I can handle.  Like ok, instead of drinking another diet soda I will drink a glass of milk.  Now, I ADORE MILK, BUT there are a couple reasons I don't usually drink it.  ONE I have this thing about wasting calories!  LOL  IN MY MIND I dont want to waste a calorie on something I can't chew.  I never claimed to make any sence guys!  LOL  Anyway so that is one reason, and the other is that milk is more expensive that cheap off brand soda and I try to leave it for the kids.  Well, NOAH will not drink it most of the time now and that drives me nuts.  He will drink chocolate milk when we are out, but if I put milk in his cup he goes forever and just refuses to drink :(  even if I make the chocolate milk myself from sugar free syrup, nope he wont drink it.  one stubborn boy.  he use to drink us out of house and home on milk but not now.  luckily he likes water so that is good.  anyway, but a few times here and there I am drinking it thinking the nutrition in it is good for me.  though it is calories so for weight loss might not be so good. 

Water..well I basically HATE water, EXCEPT if it is very cold bottled water and only specific kids.  I have tried so hard to go to drining lots of water that is suppose to be so good for the body and helpful for weight loss but tha tis harder than fasting food! makin myself drink it.  Well, my mother loves water but again only bottled water.  Soo, we ware looking at getting Muisc Mountain water dispenser in our home.  She said she will split it so that would be $25 from us each month to do it.  BUT there is some up front costs that you have the first month and a one time fee so that is on the back burner for right now.  BUT I am praying we can get that done soon because I believe I will do MUCH better with drinking it if I have chilled water available all the time that I dont hate the taste of. LOL 

Exercise,
Well my body gospel arrived and it was NOT good.  It basically sent me into a depression.  I got a little over half way through and had to sit down and balled and bawled.  :(  I felt like such a failure and that Bobby wasted money we did not have to buy those for me.  That night we got it my daughter did it with me, which was so sweet.  And she made it all th eway through :)  She is great.  Well then for a good bit after I jus could not make myself try cuz I knew I would not be able to do it and like I said it kinda really depressed me how bad at it I was.  I am SOOOOO not in as good a shape as I use to be and it almost feels like it is just too late. :( I was cryin and sayin we were gonna have to save for a grand piano box to bury me in cuz I was just gonna keep gettin bigger and bigger :(  Well, I am battling that feeling now but it was not a fun thought and sometimes I do think it but try to tell it to shut up. lol  Then I got sick sick sick and so there has been no more workout since. Flu type aches make me not want to move at all.  not good excuses but its the truth and if I am gonna have a blog about this journey I need to be truthful. 

Spiritual.. I am going pretty good most days about getting to watch my Joyce Meyers sometimes I have to watch 2 or 3 cuz something happend and I missed a few but I LOVE it and could awatch them over and over.  She is a good teacher and holds my atteniton.  I have been working on being more faitful with a bible reading plan, and reading things on the net that have scripture in them.  And also a bit on bible memory on my phone.  Getting closer to God is a big step in a better me!  I need to work more on this step too.  when we can stay well we are going to a great Church with some other moms with kiddos that really want me to come to cell group on sunday night and get to know them better, I think that will be good for me too.  And of course when we get to be at Church and in worship, my FAVORITE place to be :)

Active~little by little I am trying to be a bit more active in some way each day.  I get out of breath easy and that drives me nuts and its not fair to my kids and I tend to NOT want to do stuff because of it, but I have to do it.  Our home has gotten so out of hand with illness after illness and so much goin on since Jeremiah joined our family 7 months ago.  I am telling myself 7 months is too long to be this disorganinzed and out of control.  I think the ICU and living at the hospital and all realy took a toll on my body physically and definitly on my home.  And since then tryin to get therapy and docs and so many things established, me bein sick, firbromyalgia kicked up, you name it and its like I am on the whilrwind and I just can't catch up or get anything done or figured out.  Well, I am working now on decluttering, getting rid of tihngs, simpyfying and doing small changes that wil help in big ways.  I got a new trash can!  SILLY as tha tmay be that was HUGE for me!  It is a BIG trash can that holds a 33 gallon bag!  NO more overflowing trash can watiing for someone to take it out.  we were filling up the 13 gallon one several times a day and the trash can really was smaller than that cuz ww can get WAAAAY more into this big one than the little one 3 or 4 times!  GREAT decision on my part :)  Today I got a little 3 drawer cabinet on sale for Noah to have a little art cabinet in our living room.  It will be good for him to have a place that is special for him to have some creativ ethings to use his creative energy that he can have easy access with persmission too.  I know you are thinking why is she talking about trash cans and art cabinets and my out of kilter house have to do wtih getting healthier and a better me but somehow for me they are all connected. 

Anyway, I just thought I would share a little about how things are even though I dont have any numbers to share or anything but I can share about progress in some small way and the news of looser jeans is huge for me!!!
This is me the other day. I had spent hours workin on getting hair dealt with.  It tangles really bad.  and it is usally up by the top of my head so I would have to be bald to resolve this issue which Bobby says NO WAY to :) lol  and I can't say I blame him. Not to keen on the idea either.

These were taken New years eve on the anniversary of Bobby's proposal to me.  Celeste started acting silly and we are cuttin up in the bathroom of a restraunt! LOL  YES WE ARE CRAZY!

another shot

posed now

my trash can!  I want some apple decals to put on it to go with my kitchen! :) 

Monday, January 3, 2011

New Year, New Me, better Me???? PRAYERFULLY

Hi all

for those that are still following Hello and I know you have heard this from me before so you are probably already thinking oh dear, she says she is gonna loose weight again.  Well, sorta yes.  I am PRAYING to loose or at the very least NOT GAIN anymore.  I am praying to pray more about what I do before I do it in all aspects of my life, be it eating, exercise, or any aspect of my day. To be intentional about allowing GOD direct my life. And to get healthier and let GOD direct that too. PRAY I dont die! LOL we ordered some body gospel work out dvd's. I was SHOCKED Bobby agreed to get them as we are having to make it in 2 payments but I guess he thought investing in our health was a good thing.  They are all to praise music and there is prayer in them and they put GOD at the center of your workout! Now for me working out is gonna be an issue period between my massive size, my bad knees, and other painful issues,  but I am determined to do the best I can. Bobby says he is going to do them with me which will be fun when he does. and I figure even if I can't do them all, or the way the ones on there are doing I can worship and MOVE in some way even if some has to be in my chair. Little by little maybe I will be stronger!  I figure Noah will try to at least jump around and praise while its all going on :)  heehee and Jeremiah LOVES music and laughter and I am sure I will be laughing at myself quite a bit!  LOL 

Also praying for an elliptical to fall from the sky! LOL May sound funny but if God can bridge the ocean TWICE and send all the funds for these 2 boys adoption then an elliptical is nothing! LOL  It is the machine I used so much at Fitness Lady before Noah came home and I did loose some weight with it but the biggest thing was I gained strength and stamina and just did better overall.  I was healthier when Noah came home than I think I have been in years before or since. 

Weight, well that is a sad thing to admit.  Last year my goal was to loose 10 in 2010 .  Well, I did that, BUT gained it and more with it back.  I can use excuses and Jeremiah's journey with all the fundraising, and the trip and the hospital as excuses I suppose but does it really matter?  sad thing is I am bigger now than then.  To be honest I don't know my weight :(  Either my scale is psycho or I outweigh its maximum because I stand on it and it says E.  I know in he past I have weighed 330 on it so I am assuming I am more than that, but no clue how much more.  I am praying about buying a nice scale that goes up higher so I KNOW where I am at but again expense is an issue.  Course with all he sales right now who knows. 

IF you are following along PLEASE share and let me know.  I hate to say it but I soo NEED to support and encouragement and to feel that someone cares that I get healthier, that I feel better, that I look better.  I am praying about sharing some of the really hard/ TMI things about being super morbidly obese (the category I have been in for awhile now) but am not sure what folks will think of that.  Sometimes lately especially I cry my eyes out about some of what I am physically dealing with because of my weight.  I gross myself out.  Joyce Meyer said during a program the other day.  STOP telling yourself bad and negative things, STOP looking at yourself as YOU see yourself and look at what GOD SEES INSIDE.  She said if you speak the negative enough you become it.  200 lbs ago I said I was fat.  I wasn't then but boy am I now.  So yup my words had power.  Now I am not saying if I say I am thin it will happen, lol would be nice though but I am also striving for emotional and spiritual heathy in this journey.  I have to find tihngs in me God sees as good and focus on those as I work to improve the ouside and th enot good things about me.  the biggest thing in me is JESUS is there.  So at the core HE IS IN ME.  This workout program we have ordered puts GOD at the core of your workout, well if HE is in me, what better thing to do!  I am also signed up to do a Boss Your Heart 2011 Bible Challenge in honor of my friend Lorraine's sweet Chrissie who is now dancing before Jesus in Heaven.  THIS will be a huge part in a new and better me!  We are visiting a Church that we have decided God has said THIS IS IT and will be joining it soon.  It is so hard for me to go and do and be the biggest person whereever we go :(  I feel like everyone hates me and its hard but I also KNOW I need Church, I NEED worship, I NEED fellowship, I NEED friends. 

Another motivator for me is that in August I will get to meet some DEAR friends in person for the first time ever.  I am PRAYING that as many as possible of them are coming cuz I want to meet them all.  We will be attending the Taiwan ROCks Family Reunion with as many other familes that have adopted from Taiwan as we can gather :)  It will be at Great Wolf Lodge with an indoor water park.  can you say EEEK for a super morbidly obese woman to be at a water park.  It is bad enough to meet them all for the first time in clothes but SWIMMING SUITS!  EEK lol  So I realize I am not gonna be skinny by August, BUT I can be better lookin than I am now. lol  and the BIGGEST thing is I want to FEEL BETTER, BE STRONGER, and have MORE STAMINA to enjoy the time playing and visiting with everyone in addition to caring for my family at a resort! :)  This is HUGE for our family to take a real vacation and we are starting to save now!  It will be so worth it all and we plan to somehow attend every year no matter where it is located.  How fun, a vacation every year and get to spend time with other families with children from Taiwan! :)  WIN WIN! 

well, I have so babbled on here, I hope someone read at all and that someone finished!  lol

PLEASE be praying for me!
Thanks