failure

well here I sit still the biggest woman I know and very likely one of the biggest on the planet.  I am workin on little changes but it sure does not feel like anything ever will do any good and that must maybe some people are just born to be super morbidly obese and have to be buried in piano boxes.  It feels like I will just keep getting bigger until I have to be cut out of th ehouse and buried that way.   I know it sounds morbid but bein super morbidly obese is morbid.  I had so hoped by now I would be doing better and I really feel worse!  I am soo exhausted and no energy.  I miss so much of life because I am just to tired to go and walk around at the boardwalk or wherever.  I try and then am so short of breath it is not funny.  Prayin for an elliptical is still top on my list.  Even 5 minutes on it 5 times a day would be something and it did help before, helped with energy and with stamina and even a tad with weight loss.  I was healthier before Noah than ever in my life when I went to fitness lady for water aerobics and elliptical.  but $100 a month is just not in the plans for me at this point and by now it might be more.  But people buy ellipticals and then maybe dont use it so they can give to me.  LOL  well I can dream and pray....right! 

Also praying about hormone replacement therapy after my devastating hysterectomy.  Alot about me has never been the same and I just keep thinking there has to be a right thing to help.  Praying about talkin to dr again about it. 

i eat less now than most everyone in our house except Jeremiah and am still the biggest.  not sure food is my issue but its just me ya know. 

not sure why I am writing I am sure those than were cheerin me on are so disappointed in my yet again failure.  I thought about deleting the blog all together but for some reason I decide to post instead.  maybe venting how I am feeling will help.  I dunno.

I feel like the worse mother on the planet and that my kids suffer because of me and I hate it.  tryin hard to not look at negatives but I seem to be full of it.