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Saturday, January 7, 2017

Goals..and other things


So here I am again.. another new year, another time to reflect on myself and this journey to a better me.  Another year of not liking what I see.  Part of me really wants to give up, and has really battled with the thought that this truly is impossible.  Just maybe I have done so much damage to my body and so far into Super Morbid Obesity that just maybe there is no coming back.  This past Wednesday our Pastor preached a message on We Live On!  Boy it really amazes me how many times I sit under a message and feel like it is the Lord sending a personal message just to me.  I really felt like I was being told DO NOT GIVE UP.  Failure is only if you give up.  I know IF anyone is reading this you have probably all given up on me ever really getting healthy, ever really loosing the weight, ever really being all that the Lord has called me to be.  But I think HE made it pretty clear to me recently though the message at Church and a few people He has placed in my path that HE has not given up on me. I know one thing in all this I need more and more of HIM and less and less of ME and the world.  I cling to HIM to get me through this and I have to find a way to stay motivated and with my eyes on HIM and not the journey ahead or the failures behind.  I need to be healthier in every area of my life!  Spiritual, physical, weight, you name it.  I look at this blog and I think back to 2009 when I started the blog to officially begin this journey to health and loose weight.  I am bigger now than then and less physically able.  I am battling health issues that contributed to getting me here that have increased.  I think if you look back over this blog and then look at me now in a picture or in my life rolling around my kitchen and dining room cooking, sweeping, doing what I can in a rolling chair, you would say not only did she fail, she regressed.  All of that is correct and it is what it is.  What makes me keep wanting to try again?  I want to live, to really live.  and YES I have said that before and nothing changed, so what is different now, I have no clue.  But I do know one thing.  I have to Live on.  I have to try AGAIN.  There is power in my again.  Again is the name of the series of messages our Pastors are preaching right now.  Very timely for me I do believe. 

So IF you are reading, first of all, Thank you!!  And Secondly I NEED PRAYER and I NEED SUPPORT.  YES AGAIN!  Our Church will be doing a 21 day Fasting period beginning tomorrow.  Each person is to fast the things that really mean something to them that they feel they are led to fast.  THIS will be super hard for me and I go into it afraid I can't do it.  But I also go into it knowing if I do that to God be all the Glory!  I need super prayer going forward for the next 21 days, for the following days, weeks, months and years as this weight loss will take years.  I keep telling myself that if I can loose more than 30 and then just keep doing that over and over but for some reason I have not been able to before.  But AGAIN I try.  Here are my goals for 2017 and for January :)  Included in January goals I share my things I am fasting and I need extra prayer for those. If you are praying and supporting PLEASE let me know :)  

TamiJoy Goals

Long Term:
Loose 225 Lbs (235 from highest weight) to reach goal weight of 125

Loose multiple clothes sizes

Be more active and be able to really play and go places with my kids

Go on tours, Go to Disney, Go Camping~ GO!

January 2017 Goals:
Fast Dr. Pepper for 21 Day Church Fast at least

Fast going through for fast food for 21 Day Church Fast at least no matter how healthy the choices.

Walk at least 1000 steps every day using my Fitbit {look me up if you want to be friends :) }

Loose 8-10 lbs before January 31st

Start and attend Physical Therapy with the Fibromyalgia/CFS/Arthritis PT the Reumo is sending me to see

That sums it up for now.  I am sure everyone is as tired of hearing me say I am working on doing this and then not as I am so I do understand if you are in disbelief this time will be any different.  

I leave you with a picture of my family at my daughter's Wedding last February.  I am so blessed she has married the man of her dreams and is happy. I want to be around a very long time to spend as much time as I can with these people and with some very dear friends and Church family!  I cling to the fact GOD IS ABLE!


Saturday, April 16, 2016

Breaking Out


Don't faint that I am actually blogging on this blog again.  I spent an amazing 24 hours with the Lord and about 50 plus women on a retreat!!  The theme of the weekend was MORE!!!  More of God.  He came to give ME life and give it MORE abundantly!  I am alive.  I have life.  But its not abundant right now.  Alot of things happened in and through me this weekend and one biggie was some major feelings and stirrings to do with WHY I am 350lbs.  Why I can't seen to loose and continue loosing weight.  Also some very eye opening experiences realizing just how not living I am.  This weekend was HARD HARD Physially.  I am in agony and can barely move now that I have driven home. Lots of walking, up and down a small hill outside, up and down some steep steps many times.  Everyone else it was just normal for them.  For me every step agony, and I was so short of breath and emotional.  I could not stand in worship the whole time, I could not jump when my inner self craved to jump in worship, though I did go up and down on my toes and boy am I paying for it now.  All that to say lots of self reflection.  BUT I think this weekend more than ever before I am seeing this spiritual battle.  I am not even sure how to put this into words.  But I think I have to break out of my own self, out of the fat, and prayerfully out of the joint and pain and breathing issues.  Its like I am surrounded by this super morbid obesity shell.  What purpose is it serving me other than to take life from me.  So WHY is it so hard, WHY can't I manage to do this no matter what I try, WHY can't I do this even when I have been praying and saying I can do all things with GOD.  There is a spiritual reason I am this way.  I can't find the words I need but somehow the weight is how I am getting the internal needs I have always craved since I was a child.  BUT they are not actually filling the need but somehow I think that is how it started.  There is something deep inside all this fat that has to heal.  That has to get to a point it can truly accept that Jesus would have died for just me.  that Father God really loves me even at 350 lbs.  That though I hate myself HE does not hate me, He can love me and sees past it all.  Why am I blogging, I have no clue but this weekend feels so important and I feel like I need to record this as best I an get the feelign out.  which I am bombing at :(  I think somehow this is a turning point, a beginning to really beating this.  I need PRAYER.  I need to fully understand all this and figure out why I have put this shell around me and can't let it be broken off and what I need to do to break it away , to break out and live MORE!  Live life abundantly!   Actually live and move and be active and not in agony and hate myself.  It seems SOOOO clear to me during worship today and now I can't figure out how to put this into words.  I have to get past this hopelessness I have been in and wor on seeking FIRST the Kingdom and the rest will be added.  Monday morning I start a Bible Study from Time Warped Wife with 3 amazing friends!  I think God's timing is perfect.  I need MORE and MORE of Him so I can figure out what it is I really need to do.  I can't go on this way and I have to find a way to not fail.  Something broke in me today and I pray it is the first chain falling off that is holding me in this bondage of super morbid obesity.  Thank you if you read this and for your prayers as  seek to understand what this means and how I can truly do this with God. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Eye Opening

I have not posted in a long time.  I have not been even trying.  I failed and I gave up.  So why a post now you may ask? Yesterday I went to Physical Therapy ordered by my Orthopedic Dr. because I injured myself and went through a time I could barely walk! The physical therapy is in a pool they put you on a big treadmill and lower you into the water. The water is at a therapeutic temperature. And I walk and do all types of exercises that the therapist has me do all in the water. It has been very eye opening opening how I can't stand long enough to cook without being an utter tears and practically falling over but I could stand in there for over 30 minutes walking and doing exercises. The physical therapist said being in that water is like being 150 to 175 pounds as opposed to 356 pounds! I can't even explain how it felt and I thought man I have so much energy! Then at the end of the 30 minutes as he's raising me up out of the water just below the chest is out of the water and I almost fell over it felt so incredibly heavy. It felt heavier then when I went in. It really made it evident what life might be like if I could really do this! The physical therapist seemed very knowledgeable in a lot of areas including safe ways for people with health issues and severe weight issues to exercise and lose weight. He inform me that I really should not at this weight and with my arthritis and fibromyalgia be doing workouts outside of water. The water really protects my body. He said it is possible to work out in the water and lose great amounts of weight over consistent time. 



When I am done with these prescribed therapy sessions they will give me an option to have a discount at the Wellness Center connected with the hospital. The upfront cost would be waived and the monthly would be a better deal than I could get on my own if I go straight from therapy. I would have access to several types of water classes as well as access to swim or workout in the water or walk in the water on my own from opening to closing. The hours are 5 a.m. to 8 p.m. during the week and shortened hours on the weekend . this would give me the opportunity to work out in water 7 days a week if I wanted. I could do this around Bobby schedule and there is childcare for a fee available at the facility. Unfortunately my insurance will not pay for this but with the discount going straight from therapy it is an opportunity we do not feel like we can pass up and we feel the need for me heath wise is great. Please be in prayer for us to make this work and for me and my body to respond to this opportunity. Even without weight loss with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and arthritis being in the water everyday will help me be stronger and help me function better so that I can take care of myself and our family the way the Lord would have me to.  I'm sure anyone that has followed by journey at this point realizes I have failed everything I have started. So there is a huge part of me that feels there's no point in even trying. But there is still a part of me that desperately wants to live, that desperately wants to do this, that desperately wants to not be hampered by my own physical body in serving my family, my church, and my God! I covet your prayers as I continue on this life journey to being a better me in Him.


Saturday, April 25, 2015

Weigh In Saturday April 25, 2014/New Beginning AGAIN

 A New Beginning AGAIN!

Today's Weigh in:
350 lbs
Loss: none
BMI: 56.5
Starting weight AGAIN: 350 lbs 
Goal weight 125 lbs

So I am officially back at my top weight, not that I lost anything significant or for any amount of time.  Many "goals" in mind for myself at this point but I guess the biggest short term goal is to loose over 30 lbs and then KEEP loosing.  


That is a huge thing for me at this point.  Being able to find a way to loose period, to actually get RID of weight.  I do not want it back ever again!  I need to peel the layers of this shell around me off so that God can use me!  Use me for my kids, Use me for my husband, Use me for orphans, Use me to help hurting girls and women, Use me to serve at my Church, Use me for the kingdom!  I feel like the weight and the wall or shell it puts around me is affecting way more of my life that I realized.  I want to come back here in a few months and read this and have made true progress, that does not leave again!  The physical healing I believe is going to come from internal spiritual and emotional healing.  I KNOW the Lord has healed me of so much!  I do NOT discount that bondage He brought me out of, but I think these layers of super morbid obesity hold some more things inside that need healed for HIM!  and for me!  And if you have been here awhile and are reading this first of all THANK YOU! Secondly I know you are thinking here we go again.  I NEED your prayer so that this AGAIN is THE AGAIN that sticks!  


This blog is about becoming a better me! And for the most part that is through getting healthy, loosing weight and becoming functional physically.  But it is about more than that.  It is about being a better me period.  I know that one of the steps in that is being able to use my words.  Being able to lay down fears, thoughts, pain, shame, etc are all steps towards being useable!  So in addition to the weight loss prayers I am asking for this week I am asking for prayer that I can move towards not hiding me, not hiding thoughts and feelings, not hiding what God has healed me from, and not hiding in my heart scars that are visible and I thought I was hiding.  


Sunday, April 19, 2015

HELP

So today I come to you , anyone that may actually still be reading this blog and say HELP!  Now, by saying this I do not mean I want different people with whatever weight loss program or shake, or juice or whatever you may be using to contact me to tell me the one you use is the answer.  I know they all seem to work great for some people and that is awesome.  But what I need is first and foremost PRAYER!  I am feeling like I am in a battle for my life.  If you have been around very long you know this is not the first time I have felt that nor the first time I have tried to get healthy and loos all this weight.  I know there is a spiritual battle going on for sure with this.  I am not sure what I am suppose to be learning and I hope I hurry up and learn it before this costs me my life.  In some ways it has.  This weekend my son had his birthday party, It took everything in me and making a spectacle of myself for me to even get to standing on the tumble tramp and try to jump (or my version there off as my feet could not leave but just kinda push in and out.  It made me exhausted!  Others were running around with their kids and having fun and I am sitting.  A friend is off with Noah getting pictures for me which was awesome but I am missing out on his life.  Missing out on my life.  I went to a youth dinner theatre fundraiser not long ago and saw pictures of our Church family in Jamaica last year on the mission trip and I can't tell you what welled up inside me and how bad I want to go and I think there is no way.  I could not even stand up long enough to wait to get on the plane forget all it would require for me to go.  I am thinking back over life and remember I have NEVER felt normal, never felt energy.  As a child I remember lying about being sick because it was just so hard to get up and get dressed and go.  I went to school alot of times with my hair a wreck because I just was to tired to brush it.  There is so much of life I see people do and I am just in shock!  I want that!  I went to a Ladies retreat and God did so much in me!  I saw women strolling back and forth to the dining room, strolling to the lake.  I was so short of breath just getting back and forth where I had to go.  No going to explore anything for pleasure. I stood a long time at the lake because I could not make myself do the exercise we were to do and that God was calling me to do, for days after I hurt so bad just from standing that long.  I hate that I am this way.  Today my daughter did lunch with Noah for his birthday and so we met her and I had to park in a non handicap space and pull further on one side so room to get my son in his wheelchair.  when I got there it worked fine.  When it came time to leave the car that had arrived was parked so close I could not , no matter how hard I tried to squeeze myself in, get into my van to leave.  I am crying and sweating like crazy and I just can't fit :(   I had to stand there in pain kinda leaning in the back door by the boys till the people came out and left so I could get in the van.  We went to a play with the boys recently and it was at a school.  I barely fit in the chairs, ok I did not fit but I sat in it and I had bruises on my hips and was in so much pain the whole play.  I just kept wishing it over and not enjoying it as much as I should.  I carried Jeremiah in from the van after lunch today and I fall in the chair, heart pounding and short of breath and literal tears down my face.  What is that for him :(  It is harder and harder because I am worse and worse.  I am to big to live life normally and I hate it and I hate me.  I know its wrong but that is another battle here.  I watch other people and so I know!  This is not normal life :(  I worry as I watch 600 lb life that this will be me!  I see women on there who refuse to get up after surgery and I think I am not 600 lbs and it hurts to stand, hurts to walk and is getting almost impossible without the wheelchair or stroller to hold on to.  So I know I need to change, I know I want to change, I know I have to change!  I know that part of my throwing something in that lake at my retreat was me throwing this weight in , this shell around me, and making myself useful for God's service.  There are thinks I ache to ask to jump into at Church but I know I can't.  I can't even stand up long enough.  Sooo I come to you and I lay it all out and I say I NEED prayer!  I feel now more than ever this is life and death, not just life that I am not able to live because I am on the sidelines, though that too, but I am literally scared for my physical life.  How hard my organs have to work etc.  I know the single biggest thing I need is HELP.  I need PRAYER!  I need support and I need folks to not give up on me as I have myself!  I know this is the first step.  PRAYER>  lots and lots of prayer!  I need prayer to be release this bondage of super morbid obesity, I need prayer to try yet again, I need prayer to stay motivated, I need pray to balance all of life and do what is needed for this and my kids, my husband, and all of life.  PLEASE join me in prayer.  I am not going to be posting on fb this time every time I workout, everytime I track something or whatever.  I will try to update this blog so I can see the journey if I EVER manage to actually make progress.  I am posting a link to this post because more people will see it to pray.  Please please pray.  I can't do this.  But HE can do this if I can figure out how to let Him!  Thank you if you read this and if you are praying,
Tamijoy


Tuesday, April 14, 2015


I saw this quote and it so sums up alot God has been doing in me for a long time but in hyperdrive recently! Just as the walk I have with the Lord to follow Him with my life is not about religion but about relationship so is so much of this life! My prayer is that God will take my MESS and turn it into a message! What God has done for me, what He has brought me through in personal healing, what He has done in bridging the ocean and bringing my boys home, and so much more is all amazing and overwhelming to me but it is not about me. Its about HIM! and Its about people! I do not want to continue to allow fear to keep me from sharing what God has done because then I can't be used. I want to be Jesus with skin on for others! The words in this picture are soo true! It is ALWAYS about people! Jesus came for the people! "He did NOT give you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind"!! Clinging to that and taking the next layer off to what what He leads, whatever that may be! I am not sure WHY I am suppose to share this tonight, But I know one thing. No matter WHAT you are thinking, WHAT is going on with you right now, WHAT is overtaking you, GOD IS ABLE!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I need your support! PLEASE

So I have signed up to walk on a friend's team for her children with MITO!  It is in April!  I need all the support I can get as I work to get stronger and stronger to really do this walk outside with this team. Our team is The Banana Peels.  I am also trying to get donations for Mito. Even $1 helps!  So please show me some support and help me and my friend and her sweet kiddos and so many others affected with Mito out!:) May God bless you richly for your help :)  Here is the link to my personal walk page :)
Tami's Walk Page!