BEING REAL, VERY REAL...Clean Eating Challenge... A new Beginning??? MAYBE

So I am here with no loss.  I am at 350 lbs.  This seems totally impossible to me and to be quite honest it might be.  I seem to be able to loose at some times but not too much.  I have yet to get under 300 and seem bigger each time I begin again after I can't keep it going.  Finances and life situation have made things harder including have to let my membership to the wonderful gym I was going to with water aerobics and elliptical and classes go :(  This so saddened me but it had been difficult to go because of the timing of the child care that I was not able to get good use out of the expense anyway and we just flat out can not afford it.  But I know there are others that loose weight and are not in water class.  With my pain levels it has been challenging and to be quite honest I just flat gave up :( So fast forward to this week.  A very dear friend is doing an online fb group Clean eating challenge. 5 days! She has asked me to try and participate.  for 5 days I have committed to this challenge which includes some clean eating that she has given as a guide and at least 30 min a day exercise.  As a kick off to this 5 days that I hope jump starts me into weight loss and getting healthier again I decided to post to this blog.  To make a list of things that I HATE about being 350 lbs.  Maybe this will help me to remember what I have to gain by loosing.  I pray this 5 days leads to me getting back to loosing weekly like I did when I was on weight watchers and once I am back loosing that I can figure out how to keep it up to get to under 300, then under 250, thenunder 200, then down to 125.  It is a dream, I am not sure I believe anymore that sometimes dreams just might come true, but because of a friends encouragement, because of a friend that believes I can do this 5 days, just maybe just maybe this is a new beginning.

now my list
1) I hate not being able to jump and dance in worship at Church like my heart, mind, spirit and even in ways my body longs to do.  I feel like it really does interfere with my worship because worship is how I feel the closest to God!  I could go to worship service and be happy 12 hours later and feel so thick in the spirit and close to God.  But the bigger I get the more held back I feel physically and spiritually and emotionally.
2) I hate not being able to stand around and visit.  Sounds crazy and if you are of a weight where this is not an issue be thankful for that blessing.  Seems the entire world stands around and visits.  Standing for any length of time is excruciatingly painful to me and wears me even more out.  I know I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but I also know there are very thin people that have these things and I wonder how they dont just gain more and more weight.  For so long I managed to keep going with the pain but the last few months every move is painful.  Doing anything in and above what I have to do to keep my babies cared for is almost tear producing at the thought.  BUT I know my body and I know if I dont exercise change wont come. I can quit eating all together but I do not exercise it wont help.  Anyway back to not being able to stand.  Seems like such a simple thing to just stand around but at 350 lbs it is not simple at all.
3. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing me there.  NOTHING looks good on me, I do not know what it is like to look in there and think that outfit looks great.  I just do not.  I can remember years ago in my 200's there were at least times I could say oh this outfit looks becoming and moreso than that one etc.  now it makes no difference what I where I look huge.  just huge and nothing looks good at all.
4.  I hate the looks, the snickers, the jokes, I know they are all right but I still hate them.
5. I hate it being painful to try and sit in some chairs.  Taking my son to a movie without arms that are moveable is literally painful the entire move as I squeeze myself in and fat pops out below and on top of the armrest and it digs into me. At Church the sides of the chair are metal with the seat in between.  It is painful to sit at Church because I am so fat I am on the metal and hanging over it.  So it hurts to sit and it hurts to stand so being there is physically hard but emotionally and spiritually I need and want to be there.  Crazy.
6. I hate feeling I did this to myself but feeling hopeless to change it and to be honest feeling that maybe I am just suppose to be this way.  I know everyone says its all in and out.  its all how much you eat based on how much you burn.  but I know people who seem to not follow that path and can eat whatever they want.  does it make them healthy?  probably not.  but at least it makes then normal, thinner, acceptable.
7.  I hate watching life go by while I sit and hurt.
8. I hate judging everything in life by is there any possible way I can do that, will there be a place to sit, will I fit, will I be able to make it and would anyone really want me to in the first place.
9. I hate wondering what those I care about and those I do not really know really think of me.  I wonder do they feel about me what I feel about myself?  Do they know I feel like a prisoner inside my fat body?  Do they know how much I want to join their world and go and do and be and serve and help and and and?
10.  I hate being me, I hate that it is hard to even take care of my own self, I hate rashes and odors and pain to do basic self care.  I hate 350 lbs.  I hate that I am SUPER MORBIDLY OBESE.  Alot of folks would love to be considered SUPER.  But this super is not one anyone want to be.  I hate the way I feel inside.

I am almost at the point of wondering if there is any hope but I so do see the risk so that brings me to number

11.  I hate that the risk of me dying from this is very very real.  I hate that when I have a twinge or feel my heart jump in my throat that I worry and fear is this it.  I hate that people die of obesity and that even while still here on earth part of life is gone because of the obesity because I can't live life normally and the way I want.  

So there you have it.  If anyone is still reading yes I am trying this yet again.  I have lost count of how many times I have started this journey and failed.  I am not sure I even have hope in myself to make the 5 days much less longer but I will take it one step at a time.

Many Many prayers needed and appreciated.  As well as cheerleaders and supporters.