A letter from a 336 lb me

Dear Tamijoy,

This letter is from a 336 lb me.  Today was so rough.  Right now I feel like this journey is useless and never going to happen.  I feel like its impossible.  I am wondering if there is anybody inside me waiting to be the healthy Tamijoy.  It is strange how I can go from being so encouraged to being distraught and hopeless.  I was the HUGE woman at the gym today on the machines through tears.  The one feeling like a HUGE eyesore in the room.  The one who got stuck on not one but TWO machines and had to roll around and struggle to get off of them, that is me.  The one who felt like all the normal size people were looking at with disgust.  I am trying to tell myself I am wrong, I am trying to tell myself that someday a thin, healthy, beautiful Tamijoy will read this letter and remember what it was like to be the 336 lb me.  IF by some miracle this journey to beat this super morbid obesity actually comes to completion I NEVER EVER want to be here again!  I want to REMEMBER what this feels like and how hard this is so that I will NEVER allow myself to regain the weight if I loose it.  I am telling myself now to say WHEN not if but today if seems even doubtful.  My heart hurts that I am the way I am, that it feels so hard to figure out how to fit myself on the machines, how to even have a day out with my son and not be a spectacle trying to get up and down off the floor.  I am telling myself by writing this letter it is better than stuffing these feelings and quitting trying.  I know there are no quick fixes but this seems like such a long impossible journey.  I need to remember that not every day will feel like this and just maybe someday a 125 lb Tamijoy might read this letter and never be in this place again.  For now I cry and try to find the strength to try again another day.  Remember whatever size you are reading this that your life is at stake here, your phsyical life, and your quality of life, your ability to really live and do things that the rest of the world does without thinking.  For now I am trying to learn to trust, to believe, and to love the Tamijoy inside dying to get out and to stop this pain in my heart :(