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Sunday, August 10, 2014

Accountability...WHO is IN me! What it all means!?!

Today was huge for me personally!  I was at Church and the pastor was on fire and preached an amazing Word and He was talking about WHO is IN us!  Holy Spirit is a WHO!  I could type a whole blog post with the message notes and everything but being this is my journey to a better me health/weight loss blog I will focus on what God did IN me today and how it affects this and how it is accountability I am posting this now.  Pastor asks anyone who wants Holy Spirit IN them to please come to the front.  Now, my mind gets in the way here as it often does for me, and I think I have received the Holy Spirit!  I KNOW I have and I have had the power of the Spirit work in and through me.  I pray in the spirit and when I become afraid or in danger I almost shout pray in the Spirit.  Something overtakes and it just comes out. I can't contain it.  So I am thinking though I want fresh and new and more, this is not my time to go up because I have Holy Spirit IN me!

So then Pastor says this is not about a gift, If you are saying I spoke in tongues last week, oh well, this is about HOLY SPIRIT IN you!  When he said that I knew I needed to go up.  Earlier in his message Pastor spoke about deadbolts on our heart, things and parts of us we locked away.  That is me!  So up I go pushing Jeremiah in his chair.  I am thankful for that chair because as I have shared standing for long periods is physically painful and very difficult.  leaning on the chair help. Anyway Pastor prays and releases some folks to go and pray over folks that were wanting Holy Spirit IN.  But he tells us that they are praying WITH us not for us.  I begin to pray and I cannot even put totally into words what all was going on in and through me during this time.  I have had deadbolts and chains and who knows what else on my heart and on me to keep me safe.  I know this whole journey of my life and my journey to salvation and every step of my Christian walk has been well a little along.  God showed me visually today I could see and kinda feel the layers of me!  The layers of fat.  I am and have been like an onion.  It is not the first time that sympbolism has been given to me by the Lord but today was just different.  I had to open up the very deepest parts of ME inside and allow Holy Spirit to come in, He has come in and lived in me but He was not all the way in because He got to a point and the lock was there.  I am not sure this is making ANY sense to anyone at all but it sorta is to me.  So back to this morning and what I saw and felt.  It is almost like a zipper down the front of me that I need to unzip and literally peel the layers of fat away to allow HIM access to the deepest parts of me.  YES He is God , YES HE could have that access BUT I have the free will to lock myself down and withouth even fully knowing it I am still locked down.  at one point pastor says open your hands and LET GO!  That is huge for me it seems.  I have to literally LET Go of the weight, let go of the control to protect myself from whatever it is I think I need protecting.  I saw that I do not let anyone all the way in even Holy Spirit.  Somehow the weight has something to do with all this.  I have heard self help shows on tv where they always talk about its emotional eating and I think I do not eat when upset, I do not eat when afraid, I do not turn to food because I am mad etc.  I do not think there is the big thing that I need a psychologist to help me through so I can loose the weight.  BUT  today I was shown by God it is a barrier around me.  It is something that keeps me safe.  Do I want to loose weight, yes with everything in me, but something very very deep inside my heart soul and spirit I think is holding onto the weight as a protection.  If it is gone then I am exposed.  Does this make any sense?  I am still digesting this all and it is hard to explain what I saw but I literally saw like unzipping the front of myself and pulling back the fat and saying to Holy Spirit FILL ME!  Come ALL the way in!  I open up and allow You IN me!  All the way IN ME.  While I am seeing this it is almost like I can FEEL it pullling away.  Not a painful thing but a well sort of a lighting feeling. I am opening my hands and its like I am opening the deadbolts.  I am literally letting Holy Spirit in to fully fill me!
I so wanted to get this down so that I could look back on it, not forget it and remember it and now I can't seem to find the words to share it.  uggh  But what does it all mean?  I think in a way that even though I have said this is my journey with God to loosing this weight  I have not really given it to God.  I have not LET GO.  I think this weight loss journey is about way way more than I ever dreamed it was.  God can transform me from the inside out IF I allow Him INSIDE me.  I have to start peeling back the layers and KEEPING the deadbolts open, giving HIM the key.  I said it over and over HOLY SPIRIT COME, HOLY SPIRIT FILL ME ALL OF ME DEEP IN ME!  IN IN IN.  Yes it was and is scary and HOW do I do it? How do I keep it going?  I am not totally sure.  All of this is happeningand going on in me and then a lady that I so look up to comes up to me and begins praying.  Some things she spoke seemed right now and my phyiscal body reacted to and some seemed like I did not think there was anything else there but maybe.  I thank God for praying people in my life to walk up beside me and lay a hand on me and lift before the throne!  I also thank God that today He showed me literal things that I have between us and that I have locked out the very Holy Spirit from being all the way in.  I NEED alot of prayer as I go forward, as I figure out what this means, and what I need to do but I know something big happened in me today at that alter. I know that I opened up more than I ever have in my life to Holy Spirit.  I begged for Holy Spirit to come into the deepest parts of me that I have locked away.  I feel in some way this is a pivital point in this journey but not sure how or why.  I feel that I need this on this blog to be accountable to remember that the weight HAS to go.  It has to start going and I have to not only focus on tracking food, drinking water, and getting exercise but I need to consciously pull down that zipper and peel back the layers of fat that lock down ME.  Please be in prayer and please hold me accountable.  Ask me how its going, ask me what if anything I am learing about peeling it back and when I get afraid if I start having weight loss success PRAY I do not rebound and feel exposed and sabatoge myself.

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