Goals for 2014 so far....

Goals for 2014

So I am working on setting some realistic goals for 2014 that I really want to meet!!!  Not resolutions but actual goals that I can then make mini goals toward reaching.  Not sure about how to do this exactly but here is what I have so far... what do you think???/

Goals for 2014

GET and STAY serious about better health and weight loss!!!!!!

Drink at least some water every day!!!

TRACK MY FOOD

Go to gym at LEAST 3 days a week

Walk away the pounds at least 3 days a week

Get  my home in better storage and organization

Read at least 20 books just because

Loose at LEAST 52 lbs ( a pound a week) preferably 104 (2 lbs a week)

Walk in an organized fun run/walk at some point in 2014 pushing Jeremiah and prayerfully my family walking with me!

To be continued….

I think I somehow need to work on the brain aspect of things for this journey!!!  I know that spiritually the Lord has been impressing on me the renewing of my mind and letting go of old things so I think that is going to be important in this weight loss journey as well.

Found this scale online!!! I LOVE IT!!! I WANT THIS!!  Maybe not the sexy part but the you go girl, I love me, the butterfly and other sayings!!!  Someday I want a scale like this!!  Maybe I can little by little find things at Michaels to put on it :)

Saw this on FB and I am claiming it!!!

I am letting go of the mistakes of the past 2 years and the past 45 years.  2014 I begin, YES AGAIN!  but I begin and I pray I will be better in 2015 than I am now and I wont have the same regrets!  I do NOT want to waste this year!

Happy New Year from my family to Yours!

Failure

Failure...2 year journey update.

So the title says it all.  2 years after beginning AGAIN this journey to loosing 200 lbs and getting healthier with God  I stand here today a failure.  There are no excuses or reasons good enough for me or anyone else.  I started weighing 345 lbs and today I am 341.2 lbs.  :( I lost more but did not stay lost.  I am not even sure anyone is even still reading this blog and I am sure everyone has given up on me ever loosing any of this weight much less all of it.  I started this journey after looking at myself in picture, and thinking about how I felt and the very real fear that I was going to die and then be buried in a Piano box.  Today that reality and fear are even greater to me than they were 2 years ago :(   I had so much support from you all rooting me on and I let you all down as well as myself.  I sit here now 2 years later and think where do I go from here :( I decided to find some pics to use on Failure since that is where I am now and the things I found were interesting and I am trying to believe them...

I read the above and I wonder, am I better for having tried this journey yet again for the past 2 years and failed?!  Have I learned anything? much to ponder...

this makes sense I guess but the thing is after 2 years maybe it is just always going to be this way and maybe I am down for good.  Do I have anything left in me to fight for this goal, do I think it is even possible anymore, I just am not sure..

That is what I said this morning as I weighed and thought about that I am here 2 years later and have nothing to show for it.  I GIVE UP.  But something in me dies as I say that because there is  someone deep inside that really wants to come out of all this weight.  That is NOT a super morbidly obese woman and would really love to experience life, but I have to find the strength to do what it takes to release that inner Tamijoy and allow her to fly and as I am sure everyone  else has given up on me and I pretty much have too.

Thomas Edison was a pretty smart dude.  I read this and think, really? is it possible that after all this I can start again, or continue on or whatever and actually do this.  That I can no give up and actually maybe be close to success???  more to ponder...

again another quote that talks about the failure being the giving up, the not trying, to stopping, etc.  But to me the fact that if I had not failed in my journey I would be 137 lbs right now!  That would have been 2 years of  2 lbs a week average weight loss.  I failed, I lost the past 2 years of my life that could have given me extra years to live period and extra years to really truly live life the way people who are not carrying around 200 extra pounds do.  NO I am not saying all this for people to feel sorry for me.  Noone could feel worse for me than I do.  I am sharing how I feel.  Plain and simple! When this began I really felt like this was to be a public journey and would someday help others.  Now I feel like I have even let down those it might have helped.  

This spoke loudly to me.  I feel so like I have no right to ask for comfort.  I should have done this that I did not do, but I know this about myself. I can't do this alone, it is NOT going to happen alone.  I just won't.  What does that say about me , that I am a failure I know but what else.  It is noone else responsibility to help me in this journey.  I know that the Lord is here every step and that should be enough so then I feel that I have let Him down too.  Being bold face honest here!  I am so angry with myself and feeling very hopeless where this issue is concerned.  I am feeling like there is not point in trying and that giving up is a very real option.

This one sent me to total tears!  WHY I started this!!  To NOT die and be buried in a piano box cut out of the house!  that was a BIG BIG reason!  To live life and to the fullest!  another biggie.  To actually participate in life with my husband and Children and friends and NOT sit on the sidelines watching!  THAT was the HUGEST reason!  I see how much my children love and enjoy other people because of their energy and ability level because they are not 200 plus pounds overweight!  I so want that to be me!  This hurts and it hurts so bad and I feel trapped in my own body, a body I hate, a body I am totally embarrased by, a body that I feel like has betrayed me, but then it is me and my fault so then have I betrayed myself?  So then I am back to how can I quit, how can I give up, but how do I not. How do I do this.

so more to ponder with this.  If I begin again HOW.  and How more intelligentlly.  more to ponder 

this jumped out at me.  the think and believe part especially.  wow.  have I really every believed this is totally possible!  no.  How do I get past that.  How do I make myself believe this is not just how I am suppose to be and that some people just are this way no matter what.

Failure is not fatal.  I pray that is true because in this case I fear it might be.  Super Morbid Obesity is fatal.  People die from this.  I DO NOT WAN TO DIE.  BUT I guess even I am asking if that is true why did I fail at this.  Why did I not do what I needed to do to make this last 2 years count!.  And now I ask how do I find the courage to continue the journey and try to actually do this.  Can I find it.  

Strength has never been a word I associate with me.  Weakness yes and I do feel I am at that weakest point.  I know what to do, I know how to do it.  I just have to figure out balance. I can be a good mama and a fair homemaker and not loose a pound or I can dump everything else and pour every second into the weight loss journey and loose some but I can't seem to do it all and I can't seem to do it long term.  I lost ALMOST down to 300 and now here I am just shy of my start weight again.  What is inside me that is stopping me from doing this.  I have the Lord on my side!  I know that is all I need but still I fail.

there is still a TINY part of me that wants to do this and to transform my life.  I still love butterflies and see them everywhere and want to collect things with them and everything because it is that symbol to me of transformation and hope.  I see the words Don't give up and I think is there a point to continuing when I have proven over time I can't do it, when I have let everyone else down and they have given up on me, and I have given up, how do I not give up.  so so much to ponder!!  I see how people look at me and it hurts, I know that I disgust myself too.  I should be able to see myself as God does, without looking at the fat but I can't.  I do feel trapped and hopeless and like it is impossible.  But I also have something deep inside that wants to prove me and the world wrong.  Yes its been 2 years and no progress (well  3.8 lbs down) but the desire to do this is there so I have to figure out how to turn that into what I need to not give up and to try again,  cuz sitting here crying is not helping anything.  so I ponder... and I pray... and I beg for prayers from anyone still reading this blog....

I PRAY

defeated

defeated... the only word I can come up with to share my journey at this point.  I have not weighed in weeks and to be honest I fear I am bigger than even my start weight so I guess I should weigh to find out.  I am not tracking and the gym has not been working out lately.  Life has happened again.  I can't seem to do life correctly and do the journey at the same time.  Pretty much feel like I am failing at both at this point.  if you have walked this journey to health and weightloss and hit this defeated place and came out of it please share with me how you did and what you did.  I have been on my face , a ugly snotty bawling face, before the Lord so much over me lately..  just almost deleted this blog.  when I think how long its been here and how I am still here in this place..still the biggest person in every room I walk in..still not healthy..still not able to jump and worship the Lord in abandon and I think maybe some journeys are just not meant to be walked by all people. I hear so much anyone can do this.  for me that does not seem to be possible.  i swore i would be honest on here and right now this is bold face honest where I am and what I am feeling.  trapped in this huge body that is me.  and in much need of prayer.. if your reading...thank you

Update...Sharing my heart

I do not even know how to put into words or where to begin sharing this update!  I am so overwhelmed and filled to my core with gratitude to the Lord!  I was originally suppose to have my heart cath done this past Wednesday but the specialist they wanted to specifically do my case could not do it till Monday (yesterday). When I first found out it was being delayed I was aggravated and frustrated in that meant more time to worry.  As I am a worrier which I know is wrong and I am working on it.  Then I found out that on Sunday Peter and Joy Wyns were going to be at our Church and as I read the bio about them in our bulletin I saw that they have a strength in the area of praying for the breaking of generational curses!  I just really felt that meant I was to be in that meeting and how interesting that my procedure was moved till the exact day AFTER they would be there!  I got excited, though was still battling fear as the procedure approached!  Now before I finish the rest let me share for anyone who has not seen or heard on Facebook or by text the results of my Heart Cath are AMAZING!!!

Now I will continue... I just knew I was suppose to be there Sunday and that God had a word for me and that I was to be prayed for and be open for all God had for me.  Sunday morning everything that could go wrong did!  On a normal day with all that going on I would probably have just said forget it we are just not going, but there was a drive inside me to get there so I finally got both the boys ready and we made it to Church 30 minutes late for Christian Education but we made it!  

I must say the service was amazing!  Worship just had me so on fire and as I have shared before music just expresses things words cannot!  Worship is where I FEEL God!  and I feel the closest to Him during it so anytime I have an opportunity to be in a praise and worship service it brings healing and comfort to my very being!  I crave it with all I am!  The message that Peter Wyns preached was called CHOOSE to be wonderful!!!!  It was wonderful and very much in that spoke straight to my heart!  One of the notes I took that morning said If you walk with God He will take you just the way you are and you can be wonderful in Him!  That is just one nugget! I could go on and on with my notes but I will just share one more nugget from that message... "Let your life be full of ministering, loving , and giving to others and you will soon be wonderful"  

 Jesus was our example!  HE was wonderful!  Look at what He spent his earthly ministry doing!  Was he about Himself or others?  What more could one ask in life than when they are gone from the room and gone from this life to be said of them She is/was wonderful!  Jesus is called wonderful in the Word!  What an honor that would be to be called wonderful!  To be wonderful!  I was so excited after the service and felt that God had spoken directly to me in so many ways and was so excited for the evening to come when I knew there was going to be a prayer service after the preaching!

The afternoon continued the way the morning had but in some ways worse!  I can't even tell you how things went including getting my feelings deeply hurt and fussing at myself to stop acting the way I was acting.  All the plans for the afternoon blew up and finally just wasted the gas and came home to rest before night service and watched an old movie with the boys.  Upon arrival at Church that evening it looked like I might have to leave and bring the boys home as Noah's bowel issue struck again and we had nothing with us to fix this issue.  But I just knew I was to be there and finally figured out a way to make it work and he ended up in Jeremiah's pants and Jeremiah wrapped in a blanket in his Wheelchair so noone could tell he only had on a diaper!  lol  

Anyway worship was again amazing!  And words spoken during worship really really spoke to my heart!  It was said by my friend to the congregation about how God reached down and saved her when she was unlovable!  How God loved her because she was fearfully and wonderfully made and He saw in her what she herself could not see!  BAM!  That was so needed by my heart!  I have heard before about speaking things that are not as if they are!  I have done it!  But usually not for ME!  God has been orchastrating events of late to speak directly to me about me!  Kinda overwhelming!  Then Peter Wyns preached about Abounding in Blessings!  Another wonderful message with lots of nuggets for Bobby and I! :)  I know the Lord will reveal more and more to me as I study my notes from both messages!

Then the time came where there would be prayer!  Now so those of you who were not there will know our Church is not a tiny church but a fairly good size.  Peter had said that they would pray over EVERY person in the buidling that wanted prayer!  They did not know the needs of any of us short of revelation from God!  When it came our families turn for prayer and he prayed over Bobby and I the prayers were so spot on for every area of our lives!  He had instructed us all to not to pray when he was praying for us!  That was so hard for me because usually when someone starts praying for me I pray as well or at least say yes and amen and such even if lowly!  I had to catch myself a few times to stop me!  He did pray specifically for healing while his hands were on Bobby and I and he prayed for breaking off of generational curses and all curses ever spoken over us!  HUGE FOLKS!  to me that was huge!  he did not pray the same thing over every family he came to either so I know these were things the Lord led him to pray!  Now I did not have this huge moment at the time he prayed where I felt the heart disease come out of me or anything like I think I was expecting but I did agree with all he was saying and I felt completely submitted to God and His will.  I could not stop crying!  and the fear for the morning was still there!  So then I am frustrated yet again with myself because now I am a doubting Thomas who is allowing fear back in the way. 

I can not even express to you how much fear I had as I went into the heart cath!  I was LITERALLY shaking sooo bad.  They were like we are sorry it is so cold in here.  I was like it is not cold it is FEAR!  I was saying over and over God did NOT give me a spirit of fear but of power and love and a sound mind!  I kept saying when I am afraid I will trust in YOU!  and talking and singing to myself and the fear continued!  It did not hit me till this moment as I type how significant the fear is now.  In the past fear of surgery at the last second made me chicken out and stop a surgery!  If I was not more afraid of the blockage and heart disease I was diagnosed with then the enemy bringing fear on me might have worked but I kept saying I have to trust God!  I even told God I was sorry that I did NOT want to go to heaven right now!  I admitted I felt like a bad Christian but I want to live and see my kids grow up, see them marry, see grandkids, etc.  I KNOW where I am going but I am not ready and I was begging God that His will be for it to NOT be my time to come to Him!  All I was focused on was living through the procedure and coming out with only stints and not needing the bypass.  And my focus was to get a handle on my heart disease before it took me young so I could outlive my dad and granddaddy.  

So I must tell you the overwhelming feeling that came over me when I was alert enough to remember and I was told that the my heart looked "wonderful'!!!  WONDERFUL people!!!!  The Dr. said that there was NO blockages whatsoever!  It was pink and healthy!  My heart is NOT the heart of a 340 pound woman!  My heart was fit!  My heart was NOT the heart of a woman with blockages!  My heart was NOT the heart of a woman told she had the heart disease gene hereditarily from her dad and her grandad!  My heart is healthy!!!!  the ONLY thing in my heart is Christ!!!!!!  well and blood and stuff that is suppose to be there!  I got WAY  WAY WAY more than I deserved!  I got WAY WAY more than I ever dreamed!  GOD 100 percent totally and completely healed me!  He removed blockages!  He removed heart disease!  Bobby said the dr said there is NO WAY I had the hereditary heart disease and my heart look this good!  

I KNOW there will be people who do not believe in God who will say the dr's were wrong!  I PROMISE YOU they were not wrong!  GOD HEALED ME!  HE RESTORED MY HEART!  He gave me a NEW  heart!!  I fully believe that more than just my heart was healed by God!  I believe all that I am was healed!!!  I believe the obesity is gone!!!  I think the healing of my heart was the first step to the obesity being healed!!!   My heart is STRONG!  ME!!!  I still can't believe it!  I do not associate any part of me with being strong but I have medical proof that this 340 lb woman's heart is STRONG and HEALTHY!  I am healed of heart disease, blockages, and obesity!  NOW I will walk it out!  I AM NEW!

 This journey has always been about a journey to a better me with God!!  I have to make sure God is in this more and more!  God wants me to do this with HIM!  He is healing and changing me from the inside out!  When I get to work out again I may feel like I am dying but I am not!  MY HEART is strong!!!!  So much changed in me this week that I can't even begin to explain it all to you!  I just ask that whether you believe I was healed or not that you will please just wait and watch!!!!!  I think my transformation into the butterfly has just gotten a HUGE jumpstart by  Almighty God!!!!  

So I have 5 days of no lifting!  Boy I must say it is harder than I thought it would be to not be able to lift anything more than 5 lbs!  Praising God that I have my wonderful daughter to help me this week because with Jeremiah's tone I can't really do ANYTHING for him because it is so strong to pull his arms or legs out to change him or anything.  It is hard to mind the dr. but I do not want this artery to bust open so I will be good!  My wrist and my arm hurt but I am so happy and blessed to know that the Lord used me to perform a creative miracle that is about all I can think about! :)  I will say this I am so anxious to get back to the gym so waiting till next week is going to be hard! I want to thank everyone for their prayers and good thoughts for me during all this!!  If you have ever doubted there is a God, please let this show you there is!!!  And if you believe in God but think He is not in the business of healing and miracles anymore... you are wrong...HE IS!!!!

If you are overweight READ THIS update on me

If you are overweight in any way I have one thing to say to you.  DO SOMETHING NOW!  I have been battling to loose for a few years in a serious way, but for many years before I knew I was big and I would say I am not going to get to 200 lbs, I am not going to go over 225, over 250, over 300, over 325 and now I am saying no way am I going to 350.  I am 340 lbs.  Now, I had more testing yesterday and got a call this morning from the cardiologist office that I have a blocakage in my heart.  Now I am not blaming the weight for the blockage, It may in part be from weight but with my family history and the ones who had severe heart issues young were NOT overweight so more than likelly this would happen anyway.  BUT my weight puts the entire issue in a whole new ballgame.  My weight makes heart cath and anything that may come after it much much more high risk than if I was not 200 lbs overweight.  For years I felt like I am so young.  this last couple weeks I am OLD.  in my family 43 is old.  My grandfather first heart attack was at 40 and died of his 5th at 59.  My dad had heart issues by mid 40's and died at 61 in quadruple bypass.   Neither were overweight.  it hit me recently that I am 43 and for this family that is old.  It would be so much better if I had never gotten this big.  It is speculated at this point the lack of energy and why this weight loss journey is so hard is because of my heart and that may well be true but any way you look at it you can go from one day where your weight does not affect your life to the next where anything could happen!  PLEASE do not put off eating healthier, dont put off getting active.  Money aside there are some ways you can do things healthier and more active.  I just felt really really that I needed to share this.  

now for those who pray.  PLEASE pray for me!  YES I am scared!  I am a woman of faith and fear is not of God so I KNOW that I need to stop feeling fear and LET GOD heal me!  It was impressed upon me during worship this week that the Bible talks about LEAPING and DANCING before the Lord.  

As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD 2nd Samuel 6:16.

Sunday in Church my heart ached because I wanted so to leap and dance before the Lord in worhsip and I physically can't.  It hurts, I can't get my body off the ground and I am just too tired.  I know the Lord knows of this desire.  and I have prayed hard I will get healthy enough to do that . I have to believe I will be ok and I will be doing just that!

this entire journey is about being a better me with God!  Well weight is a huge issue of that but so is overall health.  The journey was started because I DO NOT WANT TO DIE!  Now my flesh is freaking thinking heart blockage could be something that does that.  BUT GOD!  I have to hold onto BUT God!  

I have seen God do some HUGE things that were IMPOSSIBLE!  He brought home Noah! We could NOT have done that on our own!  We had $5 in the bank the day we committed to Noah!  God provided every penny.  He gave us ideas, he honored our hard work, he laid Noah on people's hearts, etc.  We would come to a deadline hours or short days away and the needed amount woudl show up!  GOD IS ABLE!  and GOD DID IT :)  God brought Jeremiah home.  Provided every penny for that adoption.  Kept Jeremiah alive in Taiwan while he waited and once we had him, healed in in us PICU when the top dr's said that it was impossible!  GOD IS ABLE.  GOD DID IT!  I have seen tumors gone!  Cancers healed and I can go on and on.  God took the bondage of smoking from me when I begged Him too!  God healed me from some pretty yuck stuff and healed my emotions and protected me from my own self!! GOD IS ABLE!  So I know that this weight loss journey can happen WITH GOD!  HE IS ABLE!  HE can do what I can't!  I KNOW IT.  Well, the same is true for this heart issue!  GOD IS ABLE!  HE CAN and WILL Heal me!  He will arise with healing in His wings.  A heart cath scares me to death especially at my weight, but God can use that to help the dr know what to do to help me get better.  I am excited that just maybe they can do something to help me not feel so exhausted and yucky all the time.  

Please keep me in prayer next few days and who knows how long after.

We have a plan...

So I wanted to come and update everyone on things with my journey! I saw the cardiologist as part of my process for the weight loss study and I was very gad to get a chance to see the dr and find out how my heart is fairing under all this weight.  My grandfather had his first heart attach very early 40's and died at 50, and my father had serious heart problems as well and died at 61 during quadruple bypass surgery. My grandmother (dad's mom) had severe cholestrerol issues genetically though was never unhealthy weight wise.  Anyway I have known family history is not good and none of them were large.  So I had a long talk with the dr who was very wonderful and he ran an echocardiagram as his first step to determine if he would clear me for the surgery and to continue in the study.  The biggest things to look at are the actual risk to me and my heart from the actual surgery as well as the risk of the "extreme dieting" that is involved after the surgery.  Anyway he shared his thoughts based on family history and his exam and ekg they did before he came in and all and said he would like me to have the echocardiagram that day.  So we did it and I left.

That afternoon he called and shared the results of the echocardiagram.  I do not fully understand it all but short story is that I have enlargement of the heart and some other things going on.  Years back someone had thought there might be a problem, but then later another dr said there was not.  The way things look now it appears there was a problem.  More testing will be coming soon.  

So, after much discussion and prayer between Bobby and I and the Cardiologist and taking into account the cardiologist report and the screenings that were done by the study personnel it has been determined that for me personally the surgery is not a safe option for my journey.  I am out of the study.  This does NOT mean that my need to loose serious amount of weight is gone, because it is not.  It does NOT mean I have given up.  It does mean the jump start of the surgery is not going to happen for me.  Bobby and I are at peace with things as they are and this entire process has really been good to help me learn alot of things, and to help us as a family make some decisions that needed to be made whether I had surgery or not to help me and our family become healthier.  

I like the above butterfly picture because it kinda speaks of where I have been for the past 2 weeks at least. I felt very alone recently and during the liquid diet portion of the study.  Part of that was because some folks were gone the majority of the time, part was because I was having to do things so differently than the rest of the family and part of it was just because.  I do think that was a good thing in some ways.  It is good for me to be in that place to a certain extetent and learn to share my needs toward the end of it and to realize that sometimes mama has needs and is gonna have to learn to make sure I am proactive of getting them met.  

Anyway on the the title of this post....We have a plan..  I am of course still committed, more than ever committed to loosing this 200 lbs.  Bobby is committed to helping me with the boys so I can get to the gym again on a more regular basis!  He is also commited to eating healthier and helping model better and healthier lifetsyle to our kids!  He is on board for us having a more active life long term too.  I will also be joining TOPS at my gym Fitness Lady. I am blessed they have a chapter at the gym and I hope having that with ladies that I am in water class with will be a great support for me during this journey long term.  If you do not know what tops is it is basicaly education meetings and weigh ins and a group supporting each other I am told.  I have not actually been yet.  I was out of town this week and I hope to be able to start next week.  I am still waiting on Noah's ball practice schedule to know for sure if I can start now or if I have to wait till after tball season for the actual meetings.  I will be meeting with my internist and the cardiologist to help me in this journey of loosing this weight and getting healthy for good!  

Thank you for those who have been such a huge emotional and prayers support as we explored this option for me through the study.  I can always use all the support and prayers I can get.  Loosing 50 lbs is a big deal and can take time so for me 200 seems HUGE and I am gonna need to constantly remind myself of why I am doing this and keep the motivation and energy up.  Also, please be in prayer for my thyroid and my fibromyalgia issues.  I will be talking to the internist about these as the tyroid is still not where it is is suppose to be so I guess some medication adjustments need to be made.  

thanks guys and I hope to have weight loss update to you soon.  I will weigh in monday morning and if I get to start tops I will weigh in there and use that as my official weigh ins :)

PRAYER NEEDED...Screenings Update

For all those following along on my Journey to a better me and this particular stage during the Weight Loss Study I wanted to update y'all.  I am on day 8 of the Health One liquid diet.  I have survived!  I still have 6 days to go so I am halfway there! I have figured out a couple of ways to stand the vanilla woohoo!  One is with cinnamon and splenda as a shake or cooked in the 2tsp of oil we are required each day as a fake pancakes.   and the other is with ice and diet sunkist orange soda.  Both are workable.  Chocolate with splenda and almond extract and I do it as shakes with ice, or hot as cocoa or with a little required oil and cook in microwave with a little water and it turns into a brownie kinda thing and then drink the water along with it.  I was blessed with a new blender when mine went out during the week!  I LOVE my Ninja Pulse!!

It is PERFECT for the shakes that I have to make and helped the flavor because it does such an amazing job! It is also so easy. I put everything in the small container with the blade and put it upside down on the base and push a few times and a perfect shake! :)  I can't tell you how much this helps me!!  then I switch the blade top for a sip top and I am putting a straw in because it helps get it down but if it was a regular shake or smoothie I could just drink from the lid :)  It also has a bigger part to to make shakes for the family or salsa or something!  I can't wait to eat again and use it to make homemade salsa chicken :)  

Yesterday I went to see the Cardiologist to discuss whether it is safe for me to have the surgery and go through the extreme dieting afterwards, and to just check and see how my heart is under all this weight.  I do not have a good family history when it comes to the heart so I was a tad worried.  Dr. Walton put my mind so at ease that I was in good hands!  He and the entire staff were wonderful.  He wanted to run an echocardiagram and see how the heart looked before making his decision on if he will clear me for this surgery.  He had them go ahead and run it yesterday while I was already at the hospital.  Then called me yesterday afternoon with the results.  Well, there is a problem but we do not know just yet if it will affect my ability to continue in the study and have the surgery or not.  There is enlargement of the heart in the left ventricle. 

 I do NOT have high blood pressure and never have which can cause this over time so that is not the issue.  Dr. Walton wants more testing including a stress test and I am not sure what all else before he makes a decision on how I am doing overall and with the light of the surgery in mind. I leave town on Monday morning for a couple of days of appointments for the babies and then my next screening appointment for the surgery so I know the stress test will not happen until I am back in town.  Please be in prayer that whatever needs to be found will be and that Dr. Walton will make a safe decision for me!  I must say it is a bit frustrating that I might not be able to have the surgery but wont know for sure til after I have finished the shakes!  I sure wish If I was not goin to have it I could know now and stop these things! LOL  I will say this is so hard because of the lack of variety and flavors and the way it makes me feel :(

It is miraculous the things I am craving and miss!  It is also nuts how many places food is in life.  It is EVERYWHERE I go, in pics, in speech, etc.  I thought about making a list of all the things I wanted but can't have!  LOL Remarkably most of them are NOT junk food.  

In addition to my last post about the things I am learning I have a couple more..

1.  I am learning to take more time to prepare meals in morning rather than the quickest easiest thing because there is so much to do.  I now not only have to do everything I already had to do but I have to feed Noah and I have make my shake or cook the fake pancake out of the shake mix.  As I am cooking or preparing each morning I keep thinking how I wish it was an egg and a piece of toast or something.  heehee  So I think after the 2 weeks we will go to more cooked, though still quickly as possible, breakfast and less things that can be popped in the toaster or eaten dry out of a cup.  It does make it hard to get it all done but I think it will be worth it in the end.  

2.  I am learning to eat more often!  I know that sounds odd from a 340 lb woman to say that but it is a HUGE challenge for me to force myself to eat 3 meals a day much less with 2 snacks.  I have done it but not very consistently.  My norm is to maybe not eat till supper or at least not till late afternoon.  I would grab Noah a quick breakfast and then do Jeremiah's feeding but not eat myself and alot of days for lunch even not eat.  Now with having to get the 5 shakes in and wanting the broth I am each day getting better at figuring this out and learning when and how to have them and sorta gettin into a routine.  

3.  I am still learning that my eating is more about what I want and less about hunger.  I have had a few times on this 750 calories a day where if I skip the shake too long then my tummy hurts as it growls so I know it is a physical hunger, but I am for the most part not physically hungry.  It is more hungry in my mind!  I am worried about that because then I worry the surgery will be useless if my issue is not really with needing to be full sooner.  

4.  I am learning that whether I have the surgery or not I have to figure out a way to get the help I need with the kids to get to the gym.  That I NEED other people and NEED to ask them to make sacarafices for me and that is very hard.  It means that either hubby and I have to give up some of the little time we have together around his work and sleep or hubby has to give up a little sleep or I have to ask my daughter from time to time to watch them when she is at home in the evening and then give up some of the little time she and I get.  But I know that without the water I can't move as much the rest of the week an with out moving and exercising surgery or not I will fail yet again.

5.  I am learning that I am getting old!  I know compared to an 80 year old a 43 year old woman is not old BUT I am old in my family.  I am almost the age my dad began having major heart issues, I am passed the age he had adult onset diabetes.  I am getting closer and closer to the age he and my grandfather both died in heart surgery.  One under 50 the other slightly over.  It is a scary realization that though inside I feel like such a little girl,, I AM OLD and my heart is old.  

I love the above picture of the beautiful purple butterfly!  Butterfly has become more and more a symbol to me as this journey progresses and I really want to collect things with pretty ones on it I think :)  I am always looking for saying about butteflies and pictures of butterfly with inspirational quotes.  They make me feel good :)  This one is powerful to me because it means someday when I am finally the beautiful butterfly I will not just look different but will have been through so many changes I will be different.  For someone who does NOT like change and is really scared of it this is wild!  But I want the end product so that means I have to embrace the change.  Well ok at least emotionally survive it! LOL

PLEASE keep me in prayer as I go through today and the next 7 days of this very challenging liquid diet process.  I am very emotional, dizzy on and off, feel weak, hypersensitive, and very reflective right now.  There are other things goin on in our life that are scary and I am needing to storm heaven about as well and so being in this state while all that is also going on is very hard.  So we need prayer across the board.  I KNOW God is able!  I KNOW IT!  So if you are following along on the journey still leave me a message! :)  

thanks for caring guys!

What I am learning

So I am just about complete with day 4 of this 14 day liquid diet!  I must say in ways this is a big challenge!  I have a list of no calorie things I can use to improve the shakes and I can make them whatever consistency I want.  Praising God for internet for some ideas and I have jumped out on a limp and made them worse and some better.  Anyway thought I would post a little update on things and share what I am learning during this time...

1. I am learning that hunger is not really a big issue for me.  I have to describe my hunger every time I document what I drink I have to put my mood and my hunger level and they describe the level.  I fear they will not believe me because I really have not been hungry.  NOW that does not mean I don't WANT food!!!   but physically hungry I am not really.  It is weird.  I think today is the first time I can say I really was hungry by the definitions on the chart.  my stomach is growling alot today too which I have had that happen before of course but today is the first day since I started this that it is growling.  

2.  I am learning that I dont understand moods!  that seems hard to me to pick a mood.  they give me some examples.  more often than not I am putting neutral because not sure how to put anything else.  I have been more crabby and emotional lately but those are not really on there! LOL

3.  I am realizing that when you have so little to choose form as far as flavors and varieties you realize how much you miss things.  And NOT junk so much!  Well some but just alot of normal things that are not really bad.  like Milk!  

4.  I am learning that I like more veggies than I think I do!  Because seein them on a plate or tv or commercial, internet whatever my mouth is watering and I am wishing I could have them!

5.  I am learning that I can do more than I think I can THROUGH GOD!  I have had some pretty hard things to get through and NOT give in during.  I had to cook Chinese New Year for the family and watch them all eat it while drinking broth and shakes.  and we were at an event with my favorite bbq catered and could not have a bite.  Emotionally I have battled odd feelings through it all and it overwhelms me I still have 10 days to go!

6.  I am learning that I have some very passionate and vocal people in my life for both sides of this.  

7.  I am learning that alot of people spend ALOT of time thinking about , talking about , and eating food!  I even had someone very close to me say how they really do not want me to do this because they live to eat and can't stand the thought of me not being able to eat barely any food after this!  That was interesting statement to me.  I will say I have had the thoughts and upsets about having to only have so few calories a day for the rest of my life (750 according to the paper I was given)  and  only being able to eat bites at a time.  It seems in my head that there should be a way to do this with a happy medium rather than extremes but in all these years I have not.  So then I get the worry what if even this does not work.  Anyway., as I am dealing and praying through so much hearing so much about food all the time at a time when I can't have ANY of it at all is really strange.

8.  I am learning that I have to be able to do this on my own even if I have no support.  Everyone has their own lives, even in my own family, they have there own things to think about and be concerned about and I can't expect to have their support in this.  I am praying to have some but whether I do or not I have to be able to do this.  I love my family and they are great so do not take this as I am complaining or they are not awesome because they are but this is my problem and its easy for them to go off about there day and forget. 

9.  I am learning that I know nothing about extracts and spices but I need to learn!  LOL  Cinnamon and Almond extract both seem to be strong and help mask yuck of the shakes! LOL  

10.  I am learning that I have to trust God even when its scary, even when my earthly eyes can not see what I need to see.  I was soo good at this with the boys and the adoptions and even with Jeremiah in life threatening times with him but when it comes to me personally I am struggling much more!  I am learning I do NOT see myself the way God sees me.  I know that I see others as God does and I know in my head how He feels about His children but I am not able to see that in me.  

so I am sure I could go on but just a bit of an update for those who are asking "How ya really doing?"  this is just a bit for you :)

Newest Update on the Journey and we are off!

So I made the trip to Baton Rouge for Screening number 1 for this study and had to weigh in there with clothes during midmorning and was NOT happy with what I found out!  Sigh...

Loss for the week: +7 lbs (actually been more like a month but still not good ;( )

Starting weight: 345 lbs

Current weight: 340 lbs

Total loss to date: 5 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 1.4 %

BMI: 54.9

Pounds left to loose: 195

kinda how I feel about it inside.  Actually as much down as angry at myself :(  When I look at things I am not thrilled. This shows how I have NOT been able to do this :(  LOOK how many days since I began this ...

Anyway that is kinda where I am .  I did loose more weight but could not keep loosing or keep it off.  I am not happy with myself.  Anyway as I shared in last post I have been given the opportunity to be involved in a study about weight loss surgery and was one of only 200 in tons and tons of people who were selected by a lottery draw.  We prayed so hard that if God wanted me to have surgery he would make a way and it really seems like He might be saying He wants this and is working this out.  

This is the name  of the study that I am in.  I traveled to Baton Rouge on Valentine's Day for screening 1!  I did well and made it through that and had a BUNCH of blood work drawn and the testing they did came back in this morning and the dr's signed off on it and said I passed that!  So basically the next step is tomorrow I begin a liquid diet for 2 weeks.  I will be having 5 Health One Shakes a day.  I can also chew up to 10 pieces of sugar free gum a day, have up to 3 cups of hot water with 1 bouillon cube in it a day, drink diet soda, sugar free drink mixes, root beer, vanilla, and other extracts added if I like.  The 2 flavors are vanilla and Chocolate.  I am a little nervous about being able to tolerate the shakes.  I have a massive gag reflex when it comes to things that taste bad.  I can make them with less water and make it like pudding consistency, milk shake consistency or as a drink consistency.  PLEASE be praying I can tolerate this.  I will also be taking a multi vitamin each day and tracking everything that I drink during the 2 weeks and how I feel when I have it and such.  It is goin to be interesting for sure! Also on Feb 28th I will see a cardiologist here in town to make sure my heart is strong enough and I can be safe with the surgery.  Then on March 4th the children and I and an undetermined person (PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS) will head to lafayette for the kids appts and then on the 6th travel to Baton Rouge and then early am on the 7th I will have screening number 2 which is about 3 to 4 hours.  I HAVE to have someone with me to watch the boys in the waiting room during the appointment!  My best friend that goes with me often can not go, my mom is not physically able to watch the boys, and Celeste and Bobby will be working and so I have to pray hard God will show me who is to go with us!  Also somehow I have to be on a liquid diet and figure out how to make the shakes while traveling and away from my kitchen and blender!  Goin to be interesting there too!  As long as cardio appt and the 2nd screening go well all will go to the surical review board and I will then at some point find out which surgery they are offering to me.  Once they contact us we will set up an appointment in shreveport with Dr. Merriman and begin the process to the surgery!  I will know more when we meet with him!  We are very prayerful as we move forward!  

I must say there are so many thoughts goin through my mind at this point!  I know there are alot of people who do not agree with weigh loss surgery, who feel it is a "quick fix" or the "easy way" or "lazy way".  I can tell you from my experience and those of folks I have talked to and research and the dr.'s it is FAR from the quick easy and lazy way folks view it at.  I know for me either way I am petrified!  I still will have to consume less food and exercise and since it is so hard now to loose there is a fear that even with the surgery I wont be able to do this!  Failure looms in my mind and the thoughts of some people are meant to be this way :( I want to LIVE!  and I want to have a life!  I want to be able to leap in worship!  I want to be able to be active and play with my kids, I want if a miracle comes and we get to go to Taiwan R.O.C.ks in California I want to have the ability to walk around Disney with our friends, and to jump and swim in the pool with the kids and not be the biggest person there who is exhausted just helpin the kids and can't even function.  I could go on and on but it is so hard to explain the feelings inside to anyone.  The reality is I am 340 lbs and I am NOT getting smaller and staying that way!  Whatever your weight is as you read this subtract from 340 and imagine exercise or any activity with that much weight laying on your back arms and legs!  If you are at my goal weight of 125 to 140 that is 200 lbs + more than you are now.  If you are at 240 that is another 100 bls!   I know someone who is 170.  I am DOUBLE her weight!  DOUBLE!  I make TWO of her! I am sure some of you are thinking I did this to myself.  Somehow I guess I did but it feels more like it just is.  I had a bunch of questions to answer about eating and such and it was odd.  I do not eat entire pizza or more at a sitting I do not eat a gallon of ice cream and on and on that is associated with someone almost 350 lbs.  I am at a point where I realize that daily I am a ticking bomb that could die at any point.  They do not say super morbidly obese for no reason.  I am blessed to be alive and I WANT to stay that way.  Am I wrong for doing the surgery if I do it?  I don tknow for sure.  What is my motive.  To get healthy for my kids, to loose enough weight to have the energy and less pain so I CAN work out more and more active with my family and continue to loose weight.  When your husband says to you I am afraid for you NOT to have the surgery what do you think?  I am finding more and more people have had one of these.  And if you are reading this and you have PLEASE contact me either by email childofmyheart@aol.com or on FB tamijoysisemore and share your story.  The good the bad and the ugly!  For those who do not agree with even considering it I am sorry I let you down!  For those who have followed along and been inspired in the past by me and I have failed you now again I am sorry.  I did want to help others and be an inspiration to them but now this has to come back to being about me and my family!  I DO NOT WAN TO DIE!  I WANT TO LIVE!  This is the HARDEST decision I think I have ever had to make!  I have to trust God that HE will keep me safe!  Even if it is the wrong choice.  GOD is bigger!  Please if you do not agree please can you still be my friend, still follow along, still be civil if you are local!  I am sorry if this sounds odd to ask to some of you but it is so hard knowing folks are angry or let down or disappointed in me!  A friend today said to me.  This has to be about YOU and you have to STOP caring what others think.  It is HARD for me to not care :(  Dr. Merriman said in a video I watched that if I had cancer and he said I have to do this surgery to save your life I would say schedule me tomorrow and so would everyone else, but because the disease is morbid obesity it seems like not as vital.  Morbid Obesity is deadly just like Cancer.  PLEASE if you have or had cancer do not get mad at me for the comparrison.  It was one he made in the video!  Here is the most recent picture I think I have of me and its mainly my head.  Its me and Bobby at Church one day.  I wanted to put it here and hope you can look at it and see the desperate woman who just wants to actually life life!

I appreciate ALL your prayers and friendship and even if you do not agree please still be in touch and know I love you and I am sorry.   PLEASE pray for me during this 2 weeks of liquid shakes and trying to be more active again, Please pray against pain, PLEASE pray for who is to go with me on our trip down south, and please just pray for my heart and that God will make things evident and I will have a peace! "God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind"!!  Pray I will REMEMBER that!