Failure

Failure...2 year journey update.

So the title says it all.  2 years after beginning AGAIN this journey to loosing 200 lbs and getting healthier with God  I stand here today a failure.  There are no excuses or reasons good enough for me or anyone else.  I started weighing 345 lbs and today I am 341.2 lbs.  :( I lost more but did not stay lost.  I am not even sure anyone is even still reading this blog and I am sure everyone has given up on me ever loosing any of this weight much less all of it.  I started this journey after looking at myself in picture, and thinking about how I felt and the very real fear that I was going to die and then be buried in a Piano box.  Today that reality and fear are even greater to me than they were 2 years ago :(   I had so much support from you all rooting me on and I let you all down as well as myself.  I sit here now 2 years later and think where do I go from here :( I decided to find some pics to use on Failure since that is where I am now and the things I found were interesting and I am trying to believe them...

I read the above and I wonder, am I better for having tried this journey yet again for the past 2 years and failed?!  Have I learned anything? much to ponder...

this makes sense I guess but the thing is after 2 years maybe it is just always going to be this way and maybe I am down for good.  Do I have anything left in me to fight for this goal, do I think it is even possible anymore, I just am not sure..

That is what I said this morning as I weighed and thought about that I am here 2 years later and have nothing to show for it.  I GIVE UP.  But something in me dies as I say that because there is  someone deep inside that really wants to come out of all this weight.  That is NOT a super morbidly obese woman and would really love to experience life, but I have to find the strength to do what it takes to release that inner Tamijoy and allow her to fly and as I am sure everyone  else has given up on me and I pretty much have too.

Thomas Edison was a pretty smart dude.  I read this and think, really? is it possible that after all this I can start again, or continue on or whatever and actually do this.  That I can no give up and actually maybe be close to success???  more to ponder...

again another quote that talks about the failure being the giving up, the not trying, to stopping, etc.  But to me the fact that if I had not failed in my journey I would be 137 lbs right now!  That would have been 2 years of  2 lbs a week average weight loss.  I failed, I lost the past 2 years of my life that could have given me extra years to live period and extra years to really truly live life the way people who are not carrying around 200 extra pounds do.  NO I am not saying all this for people to feel sorry for me.  Noone could feel worse for me than I do.  I am sharing how I feel.  Plain and simple! When this began I really felt like this was to be a public journey and would someday help others.  Now I feel like I have even let down those it might have helped.  

This spoke loudly to me.  I feel so like I have no right to ask for comfort.  I should have done this that I did not do, but I know this about myself. I can't do this alone, it is NOT going to happen alone.  I just won't.  What does that say about me , that I am a failure I know but what else.  It is noone else responsibility to help me in this journey.  I know that the Lord is here every step and that should be enough so then I feel that I have let Him down too.  Being bold face honest here!  I am so angry with myself and feeling very hopeless where this issue is concerned.  I am feeling like there is not point in trying and that giving up is a very real option.

This one sent me to total tears!  WHY I started this!!  To NOT die and be buried in a piano box cut out of the house!  that was a BIG BIG reason!  To live life and to the fullest!  another biggie.  To actually participate in life with my husband and Children and friends and NOT sit on the sidelines watching!  THAT was the HUGEST reason!  I see how much my children love and enjoy other people because of their energy and ability level because they are not 200 plus pounds overweight!  I so want that to be me!  This hurts and it hurts so bad and I feel trapped in my own body, a body I hate, a body I am totally embarrased by, a body that I feel like has betrayed me, but then it is me and my fault so then have I betrayed myself?  So then I am back to how can I quit, how can I give up, but how do I not. How do I do this.

so more to ponder with this.  If I begin again HOW.  and How more intelligentlly.  more to ponder 

this jumped out at me.  the think and believe part especially.  wow.  have I really every believed this is totally possible!  no.  How do I get past that.  How do I make myself believe this is not just how I am suppose to be and that some people just are this way no matter what.

Failure is not fatal.  I pray that is true because in this case I fear it might be.  Super Morbid Obesity is fatal.  People die from this.  I DO NOT WAN TO DIE.  BUT I guess even I am asking if that is true why did I fail at this.  Why did I not do what I needed to do to make this last 2 years count!.  And now I ask how do I find the courage to continue the journey and try to actually do this.  Can I find it.  

Strength has never been a word I associate with me.  Weakness yes and I do feel I am at that weakest point.  I know what to do, I know how to do it.  I just have to figure out balance. I can be a good mama and a fair homemaker and not loose a pound or I can dump everything else and pour every second into the weight loss journey and loose some but I can't seem to do it all and I can't seem to do it long term.  I lost ALMOST down to 300 and now here I am just shy of my start weight again.  What is inside me that is stopping me from doing this.  I have the Lord on my side!  I know that is all I need but still I fail.

there is still a TINY part of me that wants to do this and to transform my life.  I still love butterflies and see them everywhere and want to collect things with them and everything because it is that symbol to me of transformation and hope.  I see the words Don't give up and I think is there a point to continuing when I have proven over time I can't do it, when I have let everyone else down and they have given up on me, and I have given up, how do I not give up.  so so much to ponder!!  I see how people look at me and it hurts, I know that I disgust myself too.  I should be able to see myself as God does, without looking at the fat but I can't.  I do feel trapped and hopeless and like it is impossible.  But I also have something deep inside that wants to prove me and the world wrong.  Yes its been 2 years and no progress (well  3.8 lbs down) but the desire to do this is there so I have to figure out how to turn that into what I need to not give up and to try again,  cuz sitting here crying is not helping anything.  so I ponder... and I pray... and I beg for prayers from anyone still reading this blog....

I PRAY