What I am learning

So I am just about complete with day 4 of this 14 day liquid diet!  I must say in ways this is a big challenge!  I have a list of no calorie things I can use to improve the shakes and I can make them whatever consistency I want.  Praising God for internet for some ideas and I have jumped out on a limp and made them worse and some better.  Anyway thought I would post a little update on things and share what I am learning during this time...

1. I am learning that hunger is not really a big issue for me.  I have to describe my hunger every time I document what I drink I have to put my mood and my hunger level and they describe the level.  I fear they will not believe me because I really have not been hungry.  NOW that does not mean I don't WANT food!!!   but physically hungry I am not really.  It is weird.  I think today is the first time I can say I really was hungry by the definitions on the chart.  my stomach is growling alot today too which I have had that happen before of course but today is the first day since I started this that it is growling.  

2.  I am learning that I dont understand moods!  that seems hard to me to pick a mood.  they give me some examples.  more often than not I am putting neutral because not sure how to put anything else.  I have been more crabby and emotional lately but those are not really on there! LOL

3.  I am realizing that when you have so little to choose form as far as flavors and varieties you realize how much you miss things.  And NOT junk so much!  Well some but just alot of normal things that are not really bad.  like Milk!  

4.  I am learning that I like more veggies than I think I do!  Because seein them on a plate or tv or commercial, internet whatever my mouth is watering and I am wishing I could have them!

5.  I am learning that I can do more than I think I can THROUGH GOD!  I have had some pretty hard things to get through and NOT give in during.  I had to cook Chinese New Year for the family and watch them all eat it while drinking broth and shakes.  and we were at an event with my favorite bbq catered and could not have a bite.  Emotionally I have battled odd feelings through it all and it overwhelms me I still have 10 days to go!

6.  I am learning that I have some very passionate and vocal people in my life for both sides of this.  

7.  I am learning that alot of people spend ALOT of time thinking about , talking about , and eating food!  I even had someone very close to me say how they really do not want me to do this because they live to eat and can't stand the thought of me not being able to eat barely any food after this!  That was interesting statement to me.  I will say I have had the thoughts and upsets about having to only have so few calories a day for the rest of my life (750 according to the paper I was given)  and  only being able to eat bites at a time.  It seems in my head that there should be a way to do this with a happy medium rather than extremes but in all these years I have not.  So then I get the worry what if even this does not work.  Anyway., as I am dealing and praying through so much hearing so much about food all the time at a time when I can't have ANY of it at all is really strange.

8.  I am learning that I have to be able to do this on my own even if I have no support.  Everyone has their own lives, even in my own family, they have there own things to think about and be concerned about and I can't expect to have their support in this.  I am praying to have some but whether I do or not I have to be able to do this.  I love my family and they are great so do not take this as I am complaining or they are not awesome because they are but this is my problem and its easy for them to go off about there day and forget. 

9.  I am learning that I know nothing about extracts and spices but I need to learn!  LOL  Cinnamon and Almond extract both seem to be strong and help mask yuck of the shakes! LOL  

10.  I am learning that I have to trust God even when its scary, even when my earthly eyes can not see what I need to see.  I was soo good at this with the boys and the adoptions and even with Jeremiah in life threatening times with him but when it comes to me personally I am struggling much more!  I am learning I do NOT see myself the way God sees me.  I know that I see others as God does and I know in my head how He feels about His children but I am not able to see that in me.  

so I am sure I could go on but just a bit of an update for those who are asking "How ya really doing?"  this is just a bit for you :)

Newest Update on the Journey and we are off!

So I made the trip to Baton Rouge for Screening number 1 for this study and had to weigh in there with clothes during midmorning and was NOT happy with what I found out!  Sigh...

Loss for the week: +7 lbs (actually been more like a month but still not good ;( )

Starting weight: 345 lbs

Current weight: 340 lbs

Total loss to date: 5 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 1.4 %

BMI: 54.9

Pounds left to loose: 195

kinda how I feel about it inside.  Actually as much down as angry at myself :(  When I look at things I am not thrilled. This shows how I have NOT been able to do this :(  LOOK how many days since I began this ...

Anyway that is kinda where I am .  I did loose more weight but could not keep loosing or keep it off.  I am not happy with myself.  Anyway as I shared in last post I have been given the opportunity to be involved in a study about weight loss surgery and was one of only 200 in tons and tons of people who were selected by a lottery draw.  We prayed so hard that if God wanted me to have surgery he would make a way and it really seems like He might be saying He wants this and is working this out.  

This is the name  of the study that I am in.  I traveled to Baton Rouge on Valentine's Day for screening 1!  I did well and made it through that and had a BUNCH of blood work drawn and the testing they did came back in this morning and the dr's signed off on it and said I passed that!  So basically the next step is tomorrow I begin a liquid diet for 2 weeks.  I will be having 5 Health One Shakes a day.  I can also chew up to 10 pieces of sugar free gum a day, have up to 3 cups of hot water with 1 bouillon cube in it a day, drink diet soda, sugar free drink mixes, root beer, vanilla, and other extracts added if I like.  The 2 flavors are vanilla and Chocolate.  I am a little nervous about being able to tolerate the shakes.  I have a massive gag reflex when it comes to things that taste bad.  I can make them with less water and make it like pudding consistency, milk shake consistency or as a drink consistency.  PLEASE be praying I can tolerate this.  I will also be taking a multi vitamin each day and tracking everything that I drink during the 2 weeks and how I feel when I have it and such.  It is goin to be interesting for sure! Also on Feb 28th I will see a cardiologist here in town to make sure my heart is strong enough and I can be safe with the surgery.  Then on March 4th the children and I and an undetermined person (PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS) will head to lafayette for the kids appts and then on the 6th travel to Baton Rouge and then early am on the 7th I will have screening number 2 which is about 3 to 4 hours.  I HAVE to have someone with me to watch the boys in the waiting room during the appointment!  My best friend that goes with me often can not go, my mom is not physically able to watch the boys, and Celeste and Bobby will be working and so I have to pray hard God will show me who is to go with us!  Also somehow I have to be on a liquid diet and figure out how to make the shakes while traveling and away from my kitchen and blender!  Goin to be interesting there too!  As long as cardio appt and the 2nd screening go well all will go to the surical review board and I will then at some point find out which surgery they are offering to me.  Once they contact us we will set up an appointment in shreveport with Dr. Merriman and begin the process to the surgery!  I will know more when we meet with him!  We are very prayerful as we move forward!  

I must say there are so many thoughts goin through my mind at this point!  I know there are alot of people who do not agree with weigh loss surgery, who feel it is a "quick fix" or the "easy way" or "lazy way".  I can tell you from my experience and those of folks I have talked to and research and the dr.'s it is FAR from the quick easy and lazy way folks view it at.  I know for me either way I am petrified!  I still will have to consume less food and exercise and since it is so hard now to loose there is a fear that even with the surgery I wont be able to do this!  Failure looms in my mind and the thoughts of some people are meant to be this way :( I want to LIVE!  and I want to have a life!  I want to be able to leap in worship!  I want to be able to be active and play with my kids, I want if a miracle comes and we get to go to Taiwan R.O.C.ks in California I want to have the ability to walk around Disney with our friends, and to jump and swim in the pool with the kids and not be the biggest person there who is exhausted just helpin the kids and can't even function.  I could go on and on but it is so hard to explain the feelings inside to anyone.  The reality is I am 340 lbs and I am NOT getting smaller and staying that way!  Whatever your weight is as you read this subtract from 340 and imagine exercise or any activity with that much weight laying on your back arms and legs!  If you are at my goal weight of 125 to 140 that is 200 lbs + more than you are now.  If you are at 240 that is another 100 bls!   I know someone who is 170.  I am DOUBLE her weight!  DOUBLE!  I make TWO of her! I am sure some of you are thinking I did this to myself.  Somehow I guess I did but it feels more like it just is.  I had a bunch of questions to answer about eating and such and it was odd.  I do not eat entire pizza or more at a sitting I do not eat a gallon of ice cream and on and on that is associated with someone almost 350 lbs.  I am at a point where I realize that daily I am a ticking bomb that could die at any point.  They do not say super morbidly obese for no reason.  I am blessed to be alive and I WANT to stay that way.  Am I wrong for doing the surgery if I do it?  I don tknow for sure.  What is my motive.  To get healthy for my kids, to loose enough weight to have the energy and less pain so I CAN work out more and more active with my family and continue to loose weight.  When your husband says to you I am afraid for you NOT to have the surgery what do you think?  I am finding more and more people have had one of these.  And if you are reading this and you have PLEASE contact me either by email childofmyheart@aol.com or on FB tamijoysisemore and share your story.  The good the bad and the ugly!  For those who do not agree with even considering it I am sorry I let you down!  For those who have followed along and been inspired in the past by me and I have failed you now again I am sorry.  I did want to help others and be an inspiration to them but now this has to come back to being about me and my family!  I DO NOT WAN TO DIE!  I WANT TO LIVE!  This is the HARDEST decision I think I have ever had to make!  I have to trust God that HE will keep me safe!  Even if it is the wrong choice.  GOD is bigger!  Please if you do not agree please can you still be my friend, still follow along, still be civil if you are local!  I am sorry if this sounds odd to ask to some of you but it is so hard knowing folks are angry or let down or disappointed in me!  A friend today said to me.  This has to be about YOU and you have to STOP caring what others think.  It is HARD for me to not care :(  Dr. Merriman said in a video I watched that if I had cancer and he said I have to do this surgery to save your life I would say schedule me tomorrow and so would everyone else, but because the disease is morbid obesity it seems like not as vital.  Morbid Obesity is deadly just like Cancer.  PLEASE if you have or had cancer do not get mad at me for the comparrison.  It was one he made in the video!  Here is the most recent picture I think I have of me and its mainly my head.  Its me and Bobby at Church one day.  I wanted to put it here and hope you can look at it and see the desperate woman who just wants to actually life life!

I appreciate ALL your prayers and friendship and even if you do not agree please still be in touch and know I love you and I am sorry.   PLEASE pray for me during this 2 weeks of liquid shakes and trying to be more active again, Please pray against pain, PLEASE pray for who is to go with me on our trip down south, and please just pray for my heart and that God will make things evident and I will have a peace! "God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind"!!  Pray I will REMEMBER that!

Update and prayer

Just wanted to give a mini update and ask for prayer.  Weight wise I am at 338 this week.  Feelings of total failure seem to loom heavy on me.  God is doing so many things in my lately and I know I am changing and becoming a better me on the inside but the outside is not following suit.  This week at Church I was in tears because I can't worship as I feel because of my body.  I can't jump I can't really dance and can't stand at times the whole time.  Battling anger at myself.  Failure is all I hear in my head.  

on to prayer.  We have been presented with an opportunity we were told would never come with our insurance.  I have been selected to be part of a study on how weight loss surgery affects medical costs and thereby am being offered a weight loss surgery by my insurance.  I leave town tomorrow afternoon to go down to Baton Rouge and on thursdy at 8 am I will go through the first screening towards the surgery.  If I pass that then I will come home and a few days later do a 2 week liquid diet and then go back to BR in about 2 or 3 weeks for a second screening.  If I pass that as well and go to any dr appts or tests they feel necessary with the 2 screenings then all my information will go to a surgical medical review board and they will determine what surgery they feel is the best for me.  It will be either lap band/ gastirc sleeve/or gastric bypass.  I will not have a choice.  They choose.  At that point we meet the surgeon here locally and begin discussing dates.  by that point we have to know for sure if we are gong to move forward with me having the surgery!  I am going up and down with this in my mind.  I know things have come a long way in recent years and there are TONS of success cases of each kind of surgery and also I am sure tons of horror stories, some of which I have been told.  My husband is concerned I am in intiment danger to stay at my current weight.  either way it scares me that my weight is putting me in the position to NEED to loose in order to stay alive.  I am upset with myself but that is not doing me any good so why be upset!  I keep thinking why is this so hard and then it came to me that if my thin friends that are so stong and healthy had to go through a day with a 200 lb person laying on there body how much would they acchomplish in daily life much less exercise and running and such.  I would bet not much.  So I can see that and I can see WHY it is so hard for me to function but its almost like I need the weight gone so I can do the exercise and active lifestyle that I need in order to get rid of the weight.  anyway please be praying we make the right decision and the LORD will guide us in what to do.

1 Year Anniversary of beginning Journey to a better me again

So today marks 1 year!  One Year since I had a come to meeting with Jesus about what my state of health was, about the fact I am super morbidly obese, about the fact that at this weight I am critical, that super morbid obesity is deadly.  I was desperate to loose it all AGAIN, convinced I was actually going to really do this, that just maybe with enough help, enough emotional support, enough gym time, enough enough enough.  Well I can say I am smaller than I was then, but overall I must say that I have failed in this year.  Here are the stats for me for now and then for a year ago.

NOW

Loss for the week: +2bls

Starting weight: 345 lbs

Current weight: 333 lbs

Total loss to date: 12 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 3.5 %

BMI: 53.7

Pounds left to loose: 188

 

THEN

Starting Weight: 345

Current Weight: 345

Total loss to date: 0 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 0 %

BMI: 55.7

Pounds left to loose: 200

 

 

My life and weight in the past year has been a total YO YO!  Sigh  My emotions have as well!  The facts are I lost 12 lbs in the last year that stayed off.  I lost up to 35 lbs at one point but at this point it is only 12 lbs.  My BMI is down 2 pts and my weight loss total is 3.5 percent.  I am HAPPY that I have lost the 12 and prayerful that it will stay gone.  I am not happy that after a year that is all I have managed to do.  I have been up and down with this in my mind and emotions and spirit.  I am a different person this Dec 29th than I was last year even if only 12 lbs difference in weight.  I have kinda come full circle.  I became obsessed with the loss, obsessed with recording it and sharing and having the praise from others when I did loose.  Through counsel kinda decided it had become more about pleasing those following along than about me and the journey so I backed off a bit and quit sharing, quit tracking, quit letting the journey to weight loss encompass me and what ws going on with me.  Now as I sit and look back over the last year and see that stopping tracking, stopping sharing, stopping obsessing about it is when it stopped working.  So now I am at a loss.  WHY can't I have the motivation to do this privatly and alone?  Why is it that if I have folks following along I can do better and actually loose and when I dont the support for that helps charge me on to getting back up and trying again!  It is about me and about not dying, but I have always been a person that cares GREATLY what others think so maybe I can't do this alone, maybe I do have to have that support to make it through.  Maybe I do need folks to be SICK of hearing about me and the journey.  I DO NOT KNOW.  What I do know a year later is that I am still very ILL.  I am HUGE and my body limits what I can do daily. What I can do for my Lord.  What I can do for husband and children.  What I can do in my home.  What I can do in my Church.  What I can do in every activity and group I am a part off.  Every decision still involves can I physically do that, will I FIT if I do that or go there.  and on and on daily life is affected by this monstor that is me!  I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER.  The blub or something!  Inside I just feel like this trapped little girl that has become a monster!  I know that sounds crazy!  but it is how I feel.  So where do I go from here?

 

 

Part of me feels like I should just give up! Like maybe I am just meant to be this way and this big.  But then there is a part of me that is desperate and says I WANT TO LIVE!  I want to live a LONG time and I want to actually LIVE while I am here not just exist!! So as I look back over the weight loss progress I am trying to think about what was going on then.  What I was doing then and I guess maybe I will just keep trying.  My thyroid issue get wrapped into all this somehow and I need to deal with that too.  My first plan is when I have copay I will go to my doctor and see if we can get these medications regulated for my thyroid and insulin reistence.  I will discuss my fibromyalgia as well with her.  And ask about some supplements that have been recommended.  I do not think any of that is a quick fix but they may be keys to help me overall be a better me even if not necessarily helpful with losing the weight. 

 

So as I go through this one year anniversary day I have alot of praying to do and I have to figure out how to continue.  Part of me wants to say begin AGAIN but last dec tha tis what I did.  There were many bumps and ups and downs but I am still on the journey so I dont reckon it is beginning again as much as continuing and maybe figuring out a way to increase my speed!  I have rejoined Weight Watchers online and will also try to do some stuff at My fitness Pal as well.  I may not track at My fitness pal but at least hopefully have some support of friends there.    I need to do this in an emotionally healthy way and figure out a way to have that emotional support and encouragement but still be doing it for me! 

 

I have been talking at length this week with God about all this.  I know HE is my biggest answer to EVERY problem I face.  For those that do not know we have been with out nursing for months but now have a nurse again.  Partly so that I can have someone safe iwth Jeremiah so I can work out at the gym and such,, and partly to help me with the kids during school and therapy so that everyone has all their needs met including me during each day.  Also, for those that do not know Bobby lost his job Nov 13th.  We despretly need prayer for a job and one or 2 that pay enough to pay our mortgage and bills.  I feel like 2012 has been such a despretly hard year and that I must not be learnign the lessons the Lord has for me to learn.  I am sad to admit I am SCARED and I am having to force myself to speak peace. to speak trust. to speak faith about so many areas onf my life right now.  Over my concern for Bobby having a job and how our faimly will make it.  over my weight loss journey over my health and over my very life. 

 

 

Someone said to me that if I had cancer nobody would think it odd that I shared about how the treatment was going, asked for prayer along the way etc.  So why is it odd for trying to heal from this disease of super morbid obesity.  I am not sure how I feel about whta or not or that it is a proper comparission but it does bring it back to me that this weight CAN kill me.  I am in a fight.  I have to find the energy and whatever it is I need to fight for my life.

I went and got my weight loss weigh ins that I have tracked over the past year and put them all on a new page on the blog above called TamiJoy's Weight Loss Progress. Here it is minus pics and such if you are interested.

Starting (AGAIN) Date December 29, 2011

Starting weight: 345

Height: 5' 6"

12/29/12 ~ 345 first weigh in!

1/1/12 ~342.2 {-2.8 lbs}

1/4/12 ~ 336.4 { - 5.8 lbs}

1/9/12 ~ 334.4 {-2 lbs}

1/16/12 ~331.6 {-2.8 lbs}

1/23/12 ~329.4 { -2.2 lbs}

1/30/12 ~ 329 {- .4 lbs}

2/6/12 ~ 328.2 {. 08 lbs}

2/13/12 ~323.8 {-4.4 lbs}

2/20/12 ~323 { -.8 lbs}

2/27/12 ~322 { -1 lb}

3/6/12 ~ 322 { maintained}

3/12/12 ~ 326 { + 4 lbs }

3/19/12 ~ 328 { + 2 lbs}

3/26/12 ~ 321.6 { -6.4 lbs}

4/01/12 ~ 321.6 { maintain}

4/08/12 ~ 319.2 { -2.4 lbs}

4/12/12 ~ 316.6 { - 2.6 lbs}

4/22/12~ 315.4 { - 1.2 lbs}

4/29/ 12 ~ no weigh in

5/06/12 ~ 314 { - 1.4 lbs}

5/14/12 ~ 322 {+ 8 lbs }

5/20/12 ~ 319.8 { - 2.2 lbs}

5/27/12 ~ 318 { - 1.8 lbs}

6/03/12 ~ 316 { - 2 lbs}

6/10/12 ~ 314.4 { -1.6 lbs}

6/17/12 ~ 313 { -1.4 lbs}

6/24/12 ~ 312.2 { .08 lbs}
7/02/12 ~ 310 { - 2.2 lbs}
7/16/12 ~ 320 { + 10 lbs}
7/23/12 ~ 316 { - 4 lbs}
8/01/12 ~ 313 { - 3 lbs}
8/30/12 ~ 313 { maintain}
10/18/12 ~ 325 { + 12 lbs}
10/25/12 ~ 325 { maintain}

12/03/12 ~330.2 ~ { + 5.2 lbs}

12/10/12 ~ 331 { +.8 lbs}
12/29/12 ~ 333 { +2 lb} One year Mark
Total lost in one year 12 lbs

Failure

 

 

Failure

 

That is the only title I can come up with as I post tonight.  I doubt anybody still is reading the "Journey" blog but just in case thought I would post and I guess for me I need to post.  It hit me after the hardest week in I do not know when for our family that it is almost been a year since I began this journey again and said THIS TIME I would do it.  THIS TIME I would not give up.  THIS TIME would work.  Well like so many things in life THIS TIME I failed again!  December 29th is a year and it is fast approaching.  At last weigh in I am 325.  Down from 345 last year on Dec 29th but not as far down as I got and not even under 300.  I could not even get that done in 11 months.  I guess I should be happy I have mainI am tained at least 20 lbs of the loss.  and I am.  I fear this is totally impossible for me to do.  I just dont know.  Sometimes I wonder if some people are just meant to be super morbidly obese.  Lately I also wonder if some people are meant to be poor forever.  For anyone who does not know my hubby is without a job again.  He lost the WONDERFUL Railroad job that had such good pay and benefits and a good future for us.  we are TRYING to trust God and be thankful for HIS protection in that for some reason tha twas not a good job for Bobby we guess.  PRAYING hard for a new job.  Anyway I am off my subject of my failed journey.  As I reflect on the past 11 months and the name of this blog now.  A Journey to a better me!  Well, am I better 11 monts later.  humm  one could say in some ways yes but most would say no.  I am 20 lbs less so I guess that is better and I have learned alot both health wise and spiritually.  I was diagnosed with thyroid issues and medication started and stopped several times.  I am this week back on medication and trying that.  I have added b12 to help with the Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue so that is good.  I still have a gym membership though have not been able to use it in months.  BUT a new nurse is set to start this week (if it happens this time) which will allow me at least a couple days a week at the gym again.  The fact I miss the gym could maybe be stated as better.  I just really dont know.  Spiritually till this last couple weeks I thought I was doing so much better and being changed from the inside out but now I just dont know that either.  The day Bobby lost his job we also lost his sister.  Within hours of each other. As I spent the last 4 hours of her life in the room with her and our family  I had so many questions for God.  I still do.  I feel guilty that I am questioning things.  The thoughts I have lately are just scary to me and I pray the Lord forgives me for these doubts and fears.  Anyway I just recently rejoined ww online and so that will continue to come out of my disability as will they gym because I have a contract for that.  I would love to say I am gonna do this, I am gonna make THIS TIME the time.  THIS YEAR 2013 coming up THE YEAR.  But with ALL my heart I believe 2012 was my year and I failed.  Again.  so I just can't say at this point.  I am sorry for everyone I let down.  My hat is off to my friends Charlotte who lost over 200 lbs and Danita who lost over 100 lbs.  I can't loose 50 much less over 200.  Yall are amazing women and my hero's.  I can say this journey to a better me is not over cuz I am not dead yet, I am not being cut out of my house and buried in the piano box yet.  And I pray it never happens.  Right now it is hard to come up with the energy to keep dishes clean clothes clean and kids needs met so it overwhlems me to think about doing anything else but there is a tiny something deep inside that still wants to try but then sense tells me you have failed so many times.  I mean if enough people tell you tha tyou are drunk lie down.  If you are reading this thank you for caring and again I am sorry I let you down.

 

 

 

me and the babies before Bobby's sister ( my sis since we got married) memorial service.

UNGLUED! Who ME??

I have to say this UNGLUED Bible study is reading my mail!  Wow!!!!  I will repost something from my last post and then go on from there :)  It is obvious to me more and more the LORD drew me to this study because I so need it! :)

I wanted to share this from the first chapter of unglued with you all because it spoke so loudly to me this morning:

" Imperfect Changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace....imperfect progress. "
also:
"Progress. Just make progress. It's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs. It's okay to draw a line in the sand and start over again-and again. Just make sure you are moving the line forward. Move forward. Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck. Then change will come. And it will be good."

HOW perfect was that for me!!!! It had a connection to an important event in my past! ONLY GOD would know that! Lysa Trrkeurst who is the auther of Unglued and penned those words to herself had NO CLUE God would use those words so loudly for me and I am sure others as well! So many areas of my life have been covered by that quote above. As for the weight loss journey I guess I am saying I am drawing a line in the sand a little further ahead that it was back in December. 25 lbs closer to the 200 lbs weigh loss goal, a little smarter, a little more educated, and definitly knowing more that the weight loss journey can't be separate from me, from the journey of life for me period. I have to work on ALL of me for any of me to change and become the better me I long for! If you have been following along you know the butterfly has become a symbol for me for this journey! I am not the beautiful butterfly yet, but I am emerging and transforming and on the journey to that butterfly! All of this, the steps back even, the changes, the pain, everything is a part of it to bring upon the transformation! I pray that this is making sense and that somehow , someway, some day this can help someone else too.
The Journey to a better me is happening from the inside out!  This Unglued Study is showing me how being a woman who is UNGLUED so much affects every aspect of my life and who I am as a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend and a child of God!  I read and reread this chapter because I so felt it was God speaking directly through Lysa to me!  Then I read chapter 2! 

I'm not a freak out woman! That is the title!  for ME lately especially it should be I AM a Freak Out Woman!  To many times I am out of control and I get so angry with myself!  So yet again I am seeing the Lord drawing me in the answer my prayers through tears to him to help me to not be this woman I do not like, and to be the woman my husband, my children, my friends, and my God needs me to be!  :)  In this Chapter it helped me so much to hear that I AM NOT ALONE in being this way at times!  That was HUGE for me.  This spoke so loudly to me, I COULD have written this rather than Lysa, the author:
     "There would be no Proverbs 31ish award given to me that night.
        No kids to rise and call me blessed
        No husband bragging about me at the city gate
       No laughing for days to come.
       Indeed, nothing but tears and regret.  Big huge piles of regret." (chap 2)
That was so good for me to read, to see there is someone else than can understand how I feel about myself at times when I am that freak out woman!  I think it helps me to see that there is hope, there is a chance to be a better me in this area because if others have been there and its not just that I am INSANE then we can work with this :) 

I am holding on to this scripture she brought out in the chapter.
" Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be TRANSFORMED by the reneweing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is.  His good, pleasing and perfect will"  Romans 12:2

TRANSFORMED!  That is part of this journey for me.  Being Transformed into a better me!  Into the beautiful butterfly!  So confirmation to me that YES this journey to health, this journey to live through super morbid obesity, this journey to a better ME, all starts with the renewing of my mind!  It starts inside me!  Allowing the Lord to get inside and change me deep  in me and trusting Him more and more! 

Another couple of quotes that spoke to me this week with the Unglued study! :)  So I wanted to share these too :)
"I can ask God for a better perspective to help me see good even when I don't feel good"
and this one was huge for me!
"I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control"  THANK YOU JESUS!  I NEED to remember this one! :)
"We can't always fix our circumstances but we can fix our minds on God"

and lastly "one good choice.. Imperfect Progress"

So just one good choice and I am making progress!  :)  I am a tiny bit closer and a tiny bit better!  The transformation is happening!  The goal is to be the beautiful butterfly!  But the JOURNEY and the transformation process is the time when I am learning and knowing God so much better and knowing ME better! :)

Soo, if this spoke to you in any way please share! :)  I am going to join a blog hop with this Unglued study!  if you find me through that please say hi!  :)  Hoping to meet other women on their own journey! :)  For my friends supporting me as always, please say Hi and let me know you are there! :) 

Praying a great weekend for all who read this!  And hope you are making Imperfect progress! :)  Off to work on some more baby steps!!!

Redefining the Journey

So I thought it was about time I updated the blog again.  Its been 5 weeks this time since I did.  If anyone is still following along on this journey I do not know.  If I have let those who are or were following along down I am sorry.  Alot has been going on these past few weeks.  NOT in the area of weight loss, BUT in the area of the journey to a better me.  As for weight loss I am at 320 today.  That is still 25 lbs down from my original start weight but a few pounds up from where I had gotten down.  I titled this post Redining the Journey because I have realized that there is so much more to this journey than just weight loss.  YES , I am still morbidly obese, YES I still NEED to loose weight, YES, I still want to live, to loose weight and to be a better me overall.  But I am finding there is alot more to this journey for me than just eating less and working out as much as I can.  First and foremost is learning balance!  I say learning because I do not have that figured out yet.  I have found I can track everything I eat and work out and focus continally on the weight loss, or I can focus completely on the kids and trying to keep the house in order and family life going.  And to be quite honest I can't do even BOTH of those things well.  I can do the kids and all their needs and activities awesome, but then the house falls apart, or I can get the house in great shape but only if I skip things they need and spending time with them.  Balance!  I have to come up with a way to do the KIDS, the husband who gets lost in it all, the beautiful grown daughter who yes is in the KIDS but also as an adult child is also in another area of wanting and needing to spend time with her on a different level, the mother living with me, the house, the food journay, the working out, etc etc.  I am just not very good at any of it in reality.  And in addition to all that in the inside me, the Tamijoy way down deep inside all the weight, all the pain of the Fibro and such, inside all the feelings, worries, etc.  The one that is a child of the living God.  Who at one minute can say I am a princess because my Father is the King of Kings!  and the next minute I am awful because I am failing my Lord, My husband, my children, my mom, my home, my church, and everyone who was cheering me on in my journey.  I am failing my own self.  Its a strange thing.  I have been praying and praying for the Lord to help, to reveal things to me, to change me, to mold me.  Well, little by little events have happened in the past few weeks that I can say without a doubt that the Lord has His hand on me and is showing me and guiding me.  I need to change, that is so true.  My weight needs to change, my balance needs to change, my health needs to change and the little child of God deep inside needs to change.  God is showing me I need to start on the inside and work my way out!  God began healing me from the inside out many years ago from alot of things.  And yes I am free from the bondage I was in at that time, I am healed in ways , or maybe I am still healing on a daily basis and am not there yet.  Not sure completley.  But I know that all that had to happen for the Lord to bring me the blessings I prayed so hard for and I feel I am in that place again.  Back before a symbolic line in the sand was drawn for me to step over and only look back to see how far God has brought me, well.  I am at that place again in life.  First and foremost I need to work on my relationship with the Lord, and with my family.  I spend so much time telliing myself what I should be doing, feeling guilty for not doing some things, or not being able to be at Church, or this or that or the other thing.  Being a Christian, a child of God, is not about religion, its not about being in Church every time the doors open or even which Church you are in, its not about reading such and such verses out of obligation or sticking to such and such schedule that I ahve decided I have to do to be a good Christian.  It is about a relationship with the Lord!  Relationships have ALWAYS been hard for me and as much as I want to be the kind of Christian woman I think I am suppose to be, I put up some walls myself and other events have put up some walls.  So the true beginning of this joureny to a better me needs to be drawing closer to the Lord.  As He has been revealing this to me He has also brought about events that have put me in places to really work on who I am in HIM!  He totally changed all my plans for what I thought this year would hold for me and the kids!  One is MOPS!  Mother's of Preschoolers International Ministry!  I thought I was looking for a co-op or for some activities for Noah for his school year.  I spent so much time looking at what I thought his needs were.  The Lord promptly blew up all my plans and through no other possibility than the hand of God flat out let me know that we needed to do MOPS this year.  Even at that point I thought it was about NOAH!  And right before the first meeting I began to think, maybe it is a bit about me too, as a bonus.  Then the first meeting came and I saw more and more what MOPS year focus was and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was about ME!  Noah gets the bonus!  So that is a huge blessing in our lives right now.  Then I get invited by a very very dear friend, who actually was involved in my drawing a line in the sand to step over so many years ago, invite me to join a twice a month Ladies Bible Study on women of the Bible and how they impact our lives as women of God today.  And the Lord strongly said YOU are to do this!  :)  So I signed up and that begins on Tuesday Night :)  Very excited to see what the Lord has to show me through that.  Right around that same time some online adoption friends began talking about an online Bible Study that sounded so great and I thought that is so neat.  And then they began a FB group that they will all discuss the Bible study and such and I again thought how great but I am fixing to start a Bible Studay and I have MOPS and so much on my plate and all.  Well the Lord kept putting it before me about the Online Study they were doing and how many adoption friends through the years with special needs children were in it and it became obvious to me the Lord was wooing me to that too!  And through shaking fingers I signed up and bough the book for the study!  WHAT have I done?  MOPS, an in depth online Bible Study using the book UNGLUED, and the local Ladies Bible Study!  Have I lost it to add so much to my plate that I already have going??  Well, maybe!  lol but I really feel like the Lord has written my schedulue for this year and what HE wants me to focus and spend time on.  In addition to all that he brought a new friend into my life who happens to be a Christian and of Chinese Heritage and we will be helping each other with the boys every other week on the weeks we don't have MOPS.  Noah and I will be learning some Mandarin, and we will help her with learning to homeschool her son and we will experience worship in Mandarin as well as english!  :)  Now I am sure if you have even read this far you are wondering how this has anything to do with a weight loss journey!  Well, I think in the long run it will!  and of course the Journey is to a better me, and being spiritually better, being the woman of God, HE has for me to be, is definitly a better me!  My prayer is that all this time with the Lord and working on my relationship with HIM and to be able to have a better relationship with my family and with Church family, friends, etc that it is all going to work for good and help me to do better with the weight loss too. 

Another thing I felt the Lord impress upon me was the weight loss journey became about trying to please others, to have a good number to come and share so I could get atteniton for look how good I am doing.  I have a bigger need for afirmation and attention than I realized!  Now is that bad per say, I am not really sure.  BUT it needs to always include the Lord and what HE did to help me do what I am doing.  I am nothing without Him!  I also allowed myself to be affected too much by what some thought about me and how I was doing, I felt that the care from them was conditional on how good I did in the weight loss, the working out, the tracking, the eating, etc.  None of those are good things for me.  Because then when I let folks down it affects me so negatively and can make me so down and feeling awful.  I need to find my identity in Christ and if someone is proud of me for something I do in the weight loss journey then YAY!  That afirmation and attention is an awesome and motivating bonus and that is all good!  BUT if they are disappointed in me, if they do not understand or agree with me or a choice I have had to make, then so be it.  I know that I am doing with the Lord would have me do and NOT allow myself to get depressed or to try and figure out a way to make someone else proud of me.  Not sure if this is making any sense at all, but basically it is all things inside me that need improvement and need to be dealt with on the journey to a better me!

I wanted to share this from the first chapter of unglued with you all because it spoke so loudly to me this morning:

" Imperfect Changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace....imperfect progress. "
also:
"Progress.  Just make progress. It's okay to have setbacks and the need for do-overs.  It's okay to draw a line in the sand  and start over again-and again. Just make sure you are moving the line forward. Move forward.  Take baby steps, but at least take steps that keep you from being stuck.  Then change will come. And it will be good."

HOW perfect was that for me!!!!  It had a connection to an important event in my past!  ONLY GOD would know that!  Lysa Trrkeurst who is the auther of Unglued and penned those words to herself had NO CLUE God would use those words so loudly for me and I am sure others as well!  So many areas of my life have been covered by that quote above.  As for the weight loss journey I guess I am saying I am drawing a line in the sand a little further ahead that it was back in December.  25 lbs closer to the 200 lbs weigh loss goal, a little smarter, a little more educated, and definitly knowing more that the weight loss journey can't be separate from me, from the journey of life for me period.  I have to work on ALL of me for any of me to change and become the better me I long for!  If you have been following along you know the butterfly has become a symbol for me for this journey!  I am not the beautiful butterfly yet, but I am emerging and transforming and on the journey to that butterfly!  All of this, the steps back even, the changes, the pain, everything is a part of it to bring upon the transformation!  I pray that this is making sense and that somehow , someway, some day this can help someone else too.

 

 

So, I pray you will continue to follow along on the journey to a better me!  Sometimes the updates may be about weight loss!  and I pray that it will happen little by little as I begin to figure it all out, and sometimes it will be about how I did this or that exercise or got to work out childcare and timing to go back to the gym, or how I learned this or that thing about myself or that I have something on my heart to share!  :)  I pray that you and others will follow along!  I am very human and I must say I DO want support, encouragement, cheering on in weight loss, and in just life, and friends in the journey!  I am striving to remember that even though I am not the beautiful transformed butterfly yet that I am a new creation in Christ now.  He saw potentional in me and HE loved me at my heaviest and will love me even if I fail and never loose the weight, He will love me if I can't figure it all out, but He will also help me to see what is most imporatant and give me the strength I need to do this.  Joyce Meyer said something this morning about not loosing sight of what you are learning in the journey!  I so recieve that.  YES there is a goal, but the learning is in the journey, the faith is in the journey!  Once you are there you don't need the faith anymore!!! 


Hope this is the right song! The computer I am using to post this has no sound card in it so I can't listen to music anymore. My laptop screen died so I am not handling that well. Anyway, hope this is a good version but this song speaks alot about the climb!! the journey is the climb!

Thank you so much to anyone who read all of this!  I need you guys! :)  Please post comments!  Please follow along!  I pray that someday I can be the beautiful healthy butterfly and I look forward to sharing the journey with you  :)

 

God bless,

TamiJoy