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Monday, January 23, 2012

Keeping it real! my hardest day at Fitness Lady yet, emotionally

So thought I would share for anyone following this journey.  I promised I would make it real so I need to share even the negative bad feelings.  I am committing to stay positive as Bri  asked me to so I hope by writing out my feelings here about this that I will be able to lay them down and get back to positive.  I am sure in part today's feeling stem from very little sleep last night and havin to be up so early to take both babies for testing at hospital. Anyway, I headed to Fitness Lady and it was so good to get to be going again, did not get to friday, saturday or sunday cuz of scheduling and it was so upsetting to me to miss out.  I am hoping to work that out this week to go FRI and Sat.  Anyway back to today, I went to the gym and started out with a warm up on the Elliptical waiting for the trainer to have time for my last weight training session.  I am in a line of ellipticals and totaly surrounded by thin, beautiful fit women! I can see me and them in the mirror and I am fighting back tears.  For some reason it was just so hard and I felt so helpless.  The positive thing I can find in this is that rather than just get down and leave and give up, I stayed.  The trainer came up when I was at 6 and half minutes and said go to 7 and then she was ready for me.  So did the 7 minutes and then my upper and lower body weights training.  We added either 5 lbs or 5 reps to each exercise today.  I need to learn what they are all called.  I am thinking I can ask for someone to write it down for me so I can keep up with it better on the exercise page I plan to make.  Anyway got that session done with the trainer and then went back to do my cardio.  Back on the elliptical with all the beautiful healthy ladies.  It was a battle back and forth with my mind that this is impossible and I can never really do this and I do not belong here.  At one point I even thought someone beside me was looking at me strange.  More than likely they weren't or maybe if they were it was my slip on sandles I am working out in.  Maybe it was paranoia.  Anyway Bri was teaching a kick boxing class and I was remembering her telling me to work on being more positive so I am watching the class and trying to tell myself if I keep this up that someday I can do that class.  I am remembering Bri saying in 6 weeks I can do terminator tone up class.  Back to arguing with myself that I will never be able to do that.  All this while I am on the elliptical on level one working out.  I am trying to make myself listen to what Brianna is teaching and not think about me or how I feel like I am gonna die and am I doing this for nothing for it never to work.  Anyway I did not cry but made it through 20 minutes on elliptical.  and then headed to rotary bike and did 15 there on level 4.  It is like a battle in my mind.  I KNOW that I need to exercise for health and I know I am the biggest person at Fitness Lady and I look crazy doing all this but I know I want to live.  I just am mad  at myself for this emotional internal battle in my mind.  Anyway I need to keep it real ans share.

I also learned a lesson today.  Between exhaustion and lack of stuff here for lunch I spent an hour trying to pick what I could have delivered that was not too bad.  pretty much I had 3 pizza places to choose between. Kept trying to figure it out and then finally just gave into Pizza hut's special on Monday for $4 p'zone.  My mom and nurse were also ordering and so got everybody's stuff ordered and then had to track it.  Now for breakfast we were at the hospital and I ate so much better than I normally eat.  Got all that tracked and tried to guess up with how the food was prepared as hospital cafeteria who knows how they cooked it.  So when you added the P'zone and my breakfast together that left me with only 3 points for supper.  So I had to get creative.  Celeste was making hamburger helper for me since I did the gym so I knew that was out.  Going and looking around online I figured out dill pickels are free food so I had some of those and then 3/4 cup of great norther beans that was 3 points.  I should have eaten half the p'zone if I was gonna eat it at all and not had to have barely any supper and now I know that,  I really wish we had some place to deliver that had something a bit healthier and I am gonna have to just really stop getting stuff.  How do thin people eat at Pizza hut and places like that.  Everything is so calorie filled.  Anyway, I am off to drool over but trying not to covet workout clothes!  LOL  I have been noticing the things folks at Fitness Lady wear!  Workout clothes and some in Fitness Lady tshirts and work out pants and such.  I can't wait to get some Fitness Lady tshirts and workout clothes but everything in good time.

thanks for listening guys!

6 comments:

SusanoftheBox said...

Hi Tami,

I just want to say that I am so proud of you all over again! It is amazing to me that you are sharing all of your ups and downs here. Also, if anyone at the gym is staring at you, they are probably thinking "I wanna just quit right now, but if that lady can do, I can do it. It must be so hard for her to keep going. But she just keeps going and going. There is no way I can stop if she doesn't!"

Stock up your fridge on some more free points foods... some pickles and veggies and whatever else Weight Watches lets you choose. Then when you have one of those bad lunch days, eat half the p'zone and a couple pickles or whatever. You can still feel full and eat half the points!

The Family K. said...

Hey Tami,

I'm so proud of you for fighting through the emotions and staying on the elliptical. I am by no means the smallest, fittest looking person in my gym, but whenever I see someone who clearly has a greater challenge to fight nearby, I am filled with such admiration. I know you think that people are judging you, but if anything, they're taking their hats off to you for being in the gym, for taking proactive steps to get healthy. In today's PC culture, they're too embarrassed to verbally congratulate you but if they weren't, I know they'd tell you what an inspiration you are. Don't give up!

Melissa said...

Tami,

I am cheering you on the whooole way! I am so proud of you for staying at the gym and keeping at it. That is awesome. You WILL succeed because you CAN do ALL things with Christ who gives you strength! I encourage you to think of your 2 sweet boys when you find yourself having that mental battle. I know they are 2 of your "whys" for a healthier you! Keep press'n on! Victory is yours!

Linnea said...

Thin people aren't always healthy. Just remember that. I know I can eat pizza as a special treat because I work out 6 days a week usually burning at the gym 600-1500 cals. I don't do points but I do count calories. I can have like 1800 without exercise and 2100 with, at least that was when I checked it out last time. I am a few pounds lighter now so need to re check. Anyways also when you are at the gym think about how those ladies may have been your size before. I was 254 before. And today there was a rather heavy woman in my spin class and I prayed for God to help her so she could make it the whole hour. I didnt even know her but I was so proud of her, she did it! She stayed and worked hard for an hour in spin. It takes a lot to be heavy and do that.

Be blessed
Ashlee

Jenny R said...

You are doing awesome Tami! This isn't easy at all.. We've had pizza a couple times this week too.. And today I had decided to give up until I read your post.. You are very inspiring!

Soozie4Him said...

Tami, I'm on Christian Homes and I saw your post and went to this blog. I'm so proud of you for getting out there and exercising. I didn't know you had fibromyalgia! I do too! And I started losing weight again on January 3rd (day after my b'day). I've been back and forth over the same 30 pounds SO many times and I'm determined that this is IT!!! I'm doing SparkPeople b/c I've done WW so many times. On WW, fruit is free, right? So make sure you have plenty of fruit on hand for when you have a small supper. I make a really good Broccoli Apple Salad that should be almost no WW points and it's lots of F&V's! Let me know if you want the recipe.

Hugs,
Susan
moot96 AT aol DOT com