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Sunday, April 19, 2015

HELP

So today I come to you , anyone that may actually still be reading this blog and say HELP!  Now, by saying this I do not mean I want different people with whatever weight loss program or shake, or juice or whatever you may be using to contact me to tell me the one you use is the answer.  I know they all seem to work great for some people and that is awesome.  But what I need is first and foremost PRAYER!  I am feeling like I am in a battle for my life.  If you have been around very long you know this is not the first time I have felt that nor the first time I have tried to get healthy and loos all this weight.  I know there is a spiritual battle going on for sure with this.  I am not sure what I am suppose to be learning and I hope I hurry up and learn it before this costs me my life.  In some ways it has.  This weekend my son had his birthday party, It took everything in me and making a spectacle of myself for me to even get to standing on the tumble tramp and try to jump (or my version there off as my feet could not leave but just kinda push in and out.  It made me exhausted!  Others were running around with their kids and having fun and I am sitting.  A friend is off with Noah getting pictures for me which was awesome but I am missing out on his life.  Missing out on my life.  I went to a youth dinner theatre fundraiser not long ago and saw pictures of our Church family in Jamaica last year on the mission trip and I can't tell you what welled up inside me and how bad I want to go and I think there is no way.  I could not even stand up long enough to wait to get on the plane forget all it would require for me to go.  I am thinking back over life and remember I have NEVER felt normal, never felt energy.  As a child I remember lying about being sick because it was just so hard to get up and get dressed and go.  I went to school alot of times with my hair a wreck because I just was to tired to brush it.  There is so much of life I see people do and I am just in shock!  I want that!  I went to a Ladies retreat and God did so much in me!  I saw women strolling back and forth to the dining room, strolling to the lake.  I was so short of breath just getting back and forth where I had to go.  No going to explore anything for pleasure. I stood a long time at the lake because I could not make myself do the exercise we were to do and that God was calling me to do, for days after I hurt so bad just from standing that long.  I hate that I am this way.  Today my daughter did lunch with Noah for his birthday and so we met her and I had to park in a non handicap space and pull further on one side so room to get my son in his wheelchair.  when I got there it worked fine.  When it came time to leave the car that had arrived was parked so close I could not , no matter how hard I tried to squeeze myself in, get into my van to leave.  I am crying and sweating like crazy and I just can't fit :(   I had to stand there in pain kinda leaning in the back door by the boys till the people came out and left so I could get in the van.  We went to a play with the boys recently and it was at a school.  I barely fit in the chairs, ok I did not fit but I sat in it and I had bruises on my hips and was in so much pain the whole play.  I just kept wishing it over and not enjoying it as much as I should.  I carried Jeremiah in from the van after lunch today and I fall in the chair, heart pounding and short of breath and literal tears down my face.  What is that for him :(  It is harder and harder because I am worse and worse.  I am to big to live life normally and I hate it and I hate me.  I know its wrong but that is another battle here.  I watch other people and so I know!  This is not normal life :(  I worry as I watch 600 lb life that this will be me!  I see women on there who refuse to get up after surgery and I think I am not 600 lbs and it hurts to stand, hurts to walk and is getting almost impossible without the wheelchair or stroller to hold on to.  So I know I need to change, I know I want to change, I know I have to change!  I know that part of my throwing something in that lake at my retreat was me throwing this weight in , this shell around me, and making myself useful for God's service.  There are thinks I ache to ask to jump into at Church but I know I can't.  I can't even stand up long enough.  Sooo I come to you and I lay it all out and I say I NEED prayer!  I feel now more than ever this is life and death, not just life that I am not able to live because I am on the sidelines, though that too, but I am literally scared for my physical life.  How hard my organs have to work etc.  I know the single biggest thing I need is HELP.  I need PRAYER!  I need support and I need folks to not give up on me as I have myself!  I know this is the first step.  PRAYER>  lots and lots of prayer!  I need prayer to be release this bondage of super morbid obesity, I need prayer to try yet again, I need prayer to stay motivated, I need pray to balance all of life and do what is needed for this and my kids, my husband, and all of life.  PLEASE join me in prayer.  I am not going to be posting on fb this time every time I workout, everytime I track something or whatever.  I will try to update this blog so I can see the journey if I EVER manage to actually make progress.  I am posting a link to this post because more people will see it to pray.  Please please pray.  I can't do this.  But HE can do this if I can figure out how to let Him!  Thank you if you read this and if you are praying,
Tamijoy


1 comment:

Cynthia said...

TamiJoy, I read this with tears in my eyes. I truly feel your pain, physical and especially emotional. I'd be happy to send you my number if you would like to talk. Maybe we can support each other as we make this journey.