Accountability...WHO is IN me! What it all means!?!

Today was huge for me personally!  I was at Church and the pastor was on fire and preached an amazing Word and He was talking about WHO is IN us!  Holy Spirit is a WHO!  I could type a whole blog post with the message notes and everything but being this is my journey to a better me health/weight loss blog I will focus on what God did IN me today and how it affects this and how it is accountability I am posting this now.  Pastor asks anyone who wants Holy Spirit IN them to please come to the front.  Now, my mind gets in the way here as it often does for me, and I think I have received the Holy Spirit!  I KNOW I have and I have had the power of the Spirit work in and through me.  I pray in the spirit and when I become afraid or in danger I almost shout pray in the Spirit.  Something overtakes and it just comes out. I can't contain it.  So I am thinking though I want fresh and new and more, this is not my time to go up because I have Holy Spirit IN me!

So then Pastor says this is not about a gift, If you are saying I spoke in tongues last week, oh well, this is about HOLY SPIRIT IN you!  When he said that I knew I needed to go up.  Earlier in his message Pastor spoke about deadbolts on our heart, things and parts of us we locked away.  That is me!  So up I go pushing Jeremiah in his chair.  I am thankful for that chair because as I have shared standing for long periods is physically painful and very difficult.  leaning on the chair help. Anyway Pastor prays and releases some folks to go and pray over folks that were wanting Holy Spirit IN.  But he tells us that they are praying WITH us not for us.  I begin to pray and I cannot even put totally into words what all was going on in and through me during this time.  I have had deadbolts and chains and who knows what else on my heart and on me to keep me safe.  I know this whole journey of my life and my journey to salvation and every step of my Christian walk has been well a little along.  God showed me visually today I could see and kinda feel the layers of me!  The layers of fat.  I am and have been like an onion.  It is not the first time that sympbolism has been given to me by the Lord but today was just different.  I had to open up the very deepest parts of ME inside and allow Holy Spirit to come in, He has come in and lived in me but He was not all the way in because He got to a point and the lock was there.  I am not sure this is making ANY sense to anyone at all but it sorta is to me.  So back to this morning and what I saw and felt.  It is almost like a zipper down the front of me that I need to unzip and literally peel the layers of fat away to allow HIM access to the deepest parts of me.  YES He is God , YES HE could have that access BUT I have the free will to lock myself down and withouth even fully knowing it I am still locked down.  at one point pastor says open your hands and LET GO!  That is huge for me it seems.  I have to literally LET Go of the weight, let go of the control to protect myself from whatever it is I think I need protecting.  I saw that I do not let anyone all the way in even Holy Spirit.  Somehow the weight has something to do with all this.  I have heard self help shows on tv where they always talk about its emotional eating and I think I do not eat when upset, I do not eat when afraid, I do not turn to food because I am mad etc.  I do not think there is the big thing that I need a psychologist to help me through so I can loose the weight.  BUT  today I was shown by God it is a barrier around me.  It is something that keeps me safe.  Do I want to loose weight, yes with everything in me, but something very very deep inside my heart soul and spirit I think is holding onto the weight as a protection.  If it is gone then I am exposed.  Does this make any sense?  I am still digesting this all and it is hard to explain what I saw but I literally saw like unzipping the front of myself and pulling back the fat and saying to Holy Spirit FILL ME!  Come ALL the way in!  I open up and allow You IN me!  All the way IN ME.  While I am seeing this it is almost like I can FEEL it pullling away.  Not a painful thing but a well sort of a lighting feeling. I am opening my hands and its like I am opening the deadbolts.  I am literally letting Holy Spirit in to fully fill me!

I so wanted to get this down so that I could look back on it, not forget it and remember it and now I can't seem to find the words to share it.  uggh  But what does it all mean?  I think in a way that even though I have said this is my journey with God to loosing this weight  I have not really given it to God.  I have not LET GO.  I think this weight loss journey is about way way more than I ever dreamed it was.  God can transform me from the inside out IF I allow Him INSIDE me.  I have to start peeling back the layers and KEEPING the deadbolts open, giving HIM the key.  I said it over and over HOLY SPIRIT COME, HOLY SPIRIT FILL ME ALL OF ME DEEP IN ME!  IN IN IN.  Yes it was and is scary and HOW do I do it? How do I keep it going?  I am not totally sure.  All of this is happeningand going on in me and then a lady that I so look up to comes up to me and begins praying.  Some things she spoke seemed right now and my phyiscal body reacted to and some seemed like I did not think there was anything else there but maybe.  I thank God for praying people in my life to walk up beside me and lay a hand on me and lift before the throne!  I also thank God that today He showed me literal things that I have between us and that I have locked out the very Holy Spirit from being all the way in.  I NEED alot of prayer as I go forward, as I figure out what this means, and what I need to do but I know something big happened in me today at that alter. I know that I opened up more than I ever have in my life to Holy Spirit.  I begged for Holy Spirit to come into the deepest parts of me that I have locked away.  I feel in some way this is a pivital point in this journey but not sure how or why.  I feel that I need this on this blog to be accountable to remember that the weight HAS to go.  It has to start going and I have to not only focus on tracking food, drinking water, and getting exercise but I need to consciously pull down that zipper and peel back the layers of fat that lock down ME.  Please be in prayer and please hold me accountable.  Ask me how its going, ask me what if anything I am learing about peeling it back and when I get afraid if I start having weight loss success PRAY I do not rebound and feel exposed and sabatoge myself.

Challenge is over

So the 5 day Clean Eating Challenge ended yesterday and today was weigh in day!  I am beyond floored that my weight loss was so big considering I did not do everything right according to the plan any day the entire 5 days.  But I am down to 336.4  That is 13. 6 lbs.  HUGE.  I was afraid the challenge leader would think I was making it up it is so huge.  I also feel like I have gained sooooo much knowledge and many ideas.  I have to get so much better and finding $ deals in the store so I can eat better and better.  I also need to keep trying to move.  I am still in severe pain but something feels different.

This picture shows 10 lbs of fat.  I am not sure if I actually lost that much fat, some of this 13 lbs is water but still kinda neat to see what 10 lbs looks like of unhealthy weight.

For those who asked: Clean Eating is just trying to eat foods that are closest to the original source as possible meaning less processed. More eating fresh food not boxed. Fruit, Vegetables, Poultry, Fish, lean red meat if any.  Food with no ingredient list are best.  Apple has no ingredient list but fruit snacks do for instance. And trying to stay away from things with NO nutritional value at all.

This was a picture I took Day 1  Shopping and then a picture of my lunch!  1/2 can of tuna in water mixed with hummas and a whole grain tortilla and some pickles.  Much healthier than .15 cent ramen noodles. 

I have learned so much through this challenge and really loved the fb group of folks doing it along with me and how wonderul it was to see what others were eating and doing and having the encouragement of Cindy from Well trained Mama each day!  I am in tears it is over and wish that she would do another one but for 10 days this time!  

I love how God speaks right to us where we are in ways we might not think.  One of the first things I see on FB this morning as I get on to relax a minute on this saturday morning is a devotional link to one of the proverbs 31 ministries authors.  The picture with the length got me!

Boy that screamed out at me.  I feel so broken in so many ways between weight, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue and other health stuff, my own battle with feeling I let God and family down every day etc.  So I so needed to see this today.  I wanted to share some with you and how it fit for me today.

The setting is of a woman caught in sin and the leaders and people are outraged by her sin. Sometimes I feel that others are outraged at me by my weight, sometimes the things they say, the looks they give, the degrading remarks, the condsending remarks etc feel like this is how they see me.  And no matter the total reasons behind my weight gain and weigh loss struggle it is something that defines how people see and view me just as in this woman's case.
“All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” John 8:7b (NLT) - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf
Jesus is telling them if you have never done anything wrong in any way then go ahead and stone her condem her.  How many of these could have secretly had the same sin but not been caught?  How many folks that make jokes about obese people binge eat or drink at times, or do something similar or even totally different.  NONE of us is perfect.  NO I am not making an excuse.  I know there were some major contributing factors to me being like I am and those who look on me do not know that but does it really matter?  You never know what someone is really like no matter what your view of them says.

“Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’ ‘No, Lord,’ she said. And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I. Go and sin no more.’” John 8:10-11 (NLT) - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf

This is so huge!  Jesus does not condemn her!  HE LOVES HER!! He sees more, more than see sees!  Read on...
But Jesus saw more when He looked at that woman. He looked past her sin and shame and saw her value — a value she most likely didn’t even see in herself. - See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf
THIS JUMPED OFF THE PAGE AT ME!  My newest prayer lately since something that was said in Church recently is to see ME as Jesus sees ME.  If I can learn to love ME like HE does then maybe I can start to really change the feelings deep inside.  Is that weight loss, NO, but it is better health and that is part of my journey!  Being a healthier better me!!! and then the devotion goes on to jump at me again...

But Jesus knew her worth. Her value. He knew the purposes for which He’d created her. And He wanted her to know that, too.

None of us is a throwaway person, because no one is ever beyond repair in God’s eyes. He is the ultimate restorer of people, hearts and lives. Restoration brings transformation, and the faith to believe our lives truly do matter to God.

Lord, thank You for loving me, despite me. Help me see the value You see in me and to trust You have an amazing plan for my future. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

The above was their prayer written in the devotion but I am so praying it too for my life!

TRUTH FOR TODAY:
Ephesians 1:7, “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace.” (ESV)

- See more at: http://proverbs31.org/devotions/devo/you-are-not-a-throwaway-person/#sthash.60BB90Pz.dpuf

This picture was on fb this week and I saved it!!  I wish I was talented enough to take it and put MY picture it in rather than this girl!  My reminder that even when I have given up on myself and feel everyone else has given up on me and feel so alone in the world Father God is always there!!!  

So where do I go from here?  I am not positive but I know this I have gotten my try back!  I am praying the Lord will show me the support and encouragement and the way for the next day, the next week, the next month etc.  I began this challenge with a new top weight higher than when I have started every other time.  I pray with all that is in me that I never have a top weigh higher.  I can literally remember being just below 225 and saying I will never go above 225 and thinking I was the fatest person on earth.  350 is insane as is 336.4 so I pray beyond pray that little by little I can do this.  I am even hoping the dr ordered PT for my arm to strengthen it will somehow help in this journey for the weight loss and health!  The BIGGEST challenge I will have is keeping on keeping on, even when it feels impossible, even when the worse news comes, even when someone I love is taken, even when reality of my babies prognosis is thrown in my face again, even when I can barely afford groceries and have to eat whatever I can, even when I hurt so much I can't get out of bed.  I have to keep on keepin on try to do something right towards my good health.  

BEING REAL, VERY REAL...Clean Eating Challenge... A new Beginning??? MAYBE

So I am here with no loss.  I am at 350 lbs.  This seems totally impossible to me and to be quite honest it might be.  I seem to be able to loose at some times but not too much.  I have yet to get under 300 and seem bigger each time I begin again after I can't keep it going.  Finances and life situation have made things harder including have to let my membership to the wonderful gym I was going to with water aerobics and elliptical and classes go :(  This so saddened me but it had been difficult to go because of the timing of the child care that I was not able to get good use out of the expense anyway and we just flat out can not afford it.  But I know there are others that loose weight and are not in water class.  With my pain levels it has been challenging and to be quite honest I just flat gave up :( So fast forward to this week.  A very dear friend is doing an online fb group Clean eating challenge. 5 days! She has asked me to try and participate.  for 5 days I have committed to this challenge which includes some clean eating that she has given as a guide and at least 30 min a day exercise.  As a kick off to this 5 days that I hope jump starts me into weight loss and getting healthier again I decided to post to this blog.  To make a list of things that I HATE about being 350 lbs.  Maybe this will help me to remember what I have to gain by loosing.  I pray this 5 days leads to me getting back to loosing weekly like I did when I was on weight watchers and once I am back loosing that I can figure out how to keep it up to get to under 300, then under 250, thenunder 200, then down to 125.  It is a dream, I am not sure I believe anymore that sometimes dreams just might come true, but because of a friends encouragement, because of a friend that believes I can do this 5 days, just maybe just maybe this is a new beginning.

now my list
1) I hate not being able to jump and dance in worship at Church like my heart, mind, spirit and even in ways my body longs to do.  I feel like it really does interfere with my worship because worship is how I feel the closest to God!  I could go to worship service and be happy 12 hours later and feel so thick in the spirit and close to God.  But the bigger I get the more held back I feel physically and spiritually and emotionally.
2) I hate not being able to stand around and visit.  Sounds crazy and if you are of a weight where this is not an issue be thankful for that blessing.  Seems the entire world stands around and visits.  Standing for any length of time is excruciatingly painful to me and wears me even more out.  I know I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome but I also know there are very thin people that have these things and I wonder how they dont just gain more and more weight.  For so long I managed to keep going with the pain but the last few months every move is painful.  Doing anything in and above what I have to do to keep my babies cared for is almost tear producing at the thought.  BUT I know my body and I know if I dont exercise change wont come. I can quit eating all together but I do not exercise it wont help.  Anyway back to not being able to stand.  Seems like such a simple thing to just stand around but at 350 lbs it is not simple at all.
3. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing me there.  NOTHING looks good on me, I do not know what it is like to look in there and think that outfit looks great.  I just do not.  I can remember years ago in my 200's there were at least times I could say oh this outfit looks becoming and moreso than that one etc.  now it makes no difference what I where I look huge.  just huge and nothing looks good at all.
4.  I hate the looks, the snickers, the jokes, I know they are all right but I still hate them.
5. I hate it being painful to try and sit in some chairs.  Taking my son to a movie without arms that are moveable is literally painful the entire move as I squeeze myself in and fat pops out below and on top of the armrest and it digs into me. At Church the sides of the chair are metal with the seat in between.  It is painful to sit at Church because I am so fat I am on the metal and hanging over it.  So it hurts to sit and it hurts to stand so being there is physically hard but emotionally and spiritually I need and want to be there.  Crazy.
6. I hate feeling I did this to myself but feeling hopeless to change it and to be honest feeling that maybe I am just suppose to be this way.  I know everyone says its all in and out.  its all how much you eat based on how much you burn.  but I know people who seem to not follow that path and can eat whatever they want.  does it make them healthy?  probably not.  but at least it makes then normal, thinner, acceptable.
7.  I hate watching life go by while I sit and hurt.
8. I hate judging everything in life by is there any possible way I can do that, will there be a place to sit, will I fit, will I be able to make it and would anyone really want me to in the first place.
9. I hate wondering what those I care about and those I do not really know really think of me.  I wonder do they feel about me what I feel about myself?  Do they know I feel like a prisoner inside my fat body?  Do they know how much I want to join their world and go and do and be and serve and help and and and?
10.  I hate being me, I hate that it is hard to even take care of my own self, I hate rashes and odors and pain to do basic self care.  I hate 350 lbs.  I hate that I am SUPER MORBIDLY OBESE.  Alot of folks would love to be considered SUPER.  But this super is not one anyone want to be.  I hate the way I feel inside.

I am almost at the point of wondering if there is any hope but I so do see the risk so that brings me to number

11.  I hate that the risk of me dying from this is very very real.  I hate that when I have a twinge or feel my heart jump in my throat that I worry and fear is this it.  I hate that people die of obesity and that even while still here on earth part of life is gone because of the obesity because I can't live life normally and the way I want.  

So there you have it.  If anyone is still reading yes I am trying this yet again.  I have lost count of how many times I have started this journey and failed.  I am not sure I even have hope in myself to make the 5 days much less longer but I will take it one step at a time.

Many Many prayers needed and appreciated.  As well as cheerleaders and supporters.