Eye Opening

I have not posted in a long time.  I have not been even trying.  I failed and I gave up.  So why a post now you may ask? Yesterday I went to Physical Therapy ordered by my Orthopedic Dr. because I injured myself and went through a time I could barely walk! The physical therapy is in a pool they put you on a big treadmill and lower you into the water. The water is at a therapeutic temperature. And I walk and do all types of exercises that the therapist has me do all in the water. It has been very eye opening opening how I can't stand long enough to cook without being an utter tears and practically falling over but I could stand in there for over 30 minutes walking and doing exercises. The physical therapist said being in that water is like being 150 to 175 pounds as opposed to 356 pounds! I can't even explain how it felt and I thought man I have so much energy! Then at the end of the 30 minutes as he's raising me up out of the water just below the chest is out of the water and I almost fell over it felt so incredibly heavy. It felt heavier then when I went in. It really made it evident what life might be like if I could really do this! The physical therapist seemed very knowledgeable in a lot of areas including safe ways for people with health issues and severe weight issues to exercise and lose weight. He inform me that I really should not at this weight and with my arthritis and fibromyalgia be doing workouts outside of water. The water really protects my body. He said it is possible to work out in the water and lose great amounts of weight over consistent time. 

When I am done with these prescribed therapy sessions they will give me an option to have a discount at the Wellness Center connected with the hospital. The upfront cost would be waived and the monthly would be a better deal than I could get on my own if I go straight from therapy. I would have access to several types of water classes as well as access to swim or workout in the water or walk in the water on my own from opening to closing. The hours are 5 a.m. to 8 p.m. during the week and shortened hours on the weekend . this would give me the opportunity to work out in water 7 days a week if I wanted. I could do this around Bobby schedule and there is childcare for a fee available at the facility. Unfortunately my insurance will not pay for this but with the discount going straight from therapy it is an opportunity we do not feel like we can pass up and we feel the need for me heath wise is great. Please be in prayer for us to make this work and for me and my body to respond to this opportunity. Even without weight loss with chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and arthritis being in the water everyday will help me be stronger and help me function better so that I can take care of myself and our family the way the Lord would have me to.  I'm sure anyone that has followed by journey at this point realizes I have failed everything I have started. So there is a huge part of me that feels there's no point in even trying. But there is still a part of me that desperately wants to live, that desperately wants to do this, that desperately wants to not be hampered by my own physical body in serving my family, my church, and my God! I covet your prayers as I continue on this life journey to being a better me in Him.

Weigh In Saturday April 25, 2014/New Beginning AGAIN

 A New Beginning AGAIN!

Today's Weigh in:

350 lbs

Loss: none

BMI: 56.5

Starting weight AGAIN: 350 lbs 

Goal weight 125 lbs

So I am officially back at my top weight, not that I lost anything significant or for any amount of time.  Many "goals" in mind for myself at this point but I guess the biggest short term goal is to loose over 30 lbs and then KEEP loosing.  

That is a huge thing for me at this point.  Being able to find a way to loose period, to actually get RID of weight.  I do not want it back ever again!  I need to peel the layers of this shell around me off so that God can use me!  Use me for my kids, Use me for my husband, Use me for orphans, Use me to help hurting girls and women, Use me to serve at my Church, Use me for the kingdom!  I feel like the weight and the wall or shell it puts around me is affecting way more of my life that I realized.  I want to come back here in a few months and read this and have made true progress, that does not leave again!  The physical healing I believe is going to come from internal spiritual and emotional healing.  I KNOW the Lord has healed me of so much!  I do NOT discount that bondage He brought me out of, but I think these layers of super morbid obesity hold some more things inside that need healed for HIM!  and for me!  And if you have been here awhile and are reading this first of all THANK YOU! Secondly I know you are thinking here we go again.  I NEED your prayer so that this AGAIN is THE AGAIN that sticks!  

This blog is about becoming a better me! And for the most part that is through getting healthy, loosing weight and becoming functional physically.  But it is about more than that.  It is about being a better me period.  I know that one of the steps in that is being able to use my words.  Being able to lay down fears, thoughts, pain, shame, etc are all steps towards being useable!  So in addition to the weight loss prayers I am asking for this week I am asking for prayer that I can move towards not hiding me, not hiding thoughts and feelings, not hiding what God has healed me from, and not hiding in my heart scars that are visible and I thought I was hiding.  

HELP

So today I come to you , anyone that may actually still be reading this blog and say HELP!  Now, by saying this I do not mean I want different people with whatever weight loss program or shake, or juice or whatever you may be using to contact me to tell me the one you use is the answer.  I know they all seem to work great for some people and that is awesome.  But what I need is first and foremost PRAYER!  I am feeling like I am in a battle for my life.  If you have been around very long you know this is not the first time I have felt that nor the first time I have tried to get healthy and loos all this weight.  I know there is a spiritual battle going on for sure with this.  I am not sure what I am suppose to be learning and I hope I hurry up and learn it before this costs me my life.  In some ways it has.  This weekend my son had his birthday party, It took everything in me and making a spectacle of myself for me to even get to standing on the tumble tramp and try to jump (or my version there off as my feet could not leave but just kinda push in and out.  It made me exhausted!  Others were running around with their kids and having fun and I am sitting.  A friend is off with Noah getting pictures for me which was awesome but I am missing out on his life.  Missing out on my life.  I went to a youth dinner theatre fundraiser not long ago and saw pictures of our Church family in Jamaica last year on the mission trip and I can't tell you what welled up inside me and how bad I want to go and I think there is no way.  I could not even stand up long enough to wait to get on the plane forget all it would require for me to go.  I am thinking back over life and remember I have NEVER felt normal, never felt energy.  As a child I remember lying about being sick because it was just so hard to get up and get dressed and go.  I went to school alot of times with my hair a wreck because I just was to tired to brush it.  There is so much of life I see people do and I am just in shock!  I want that!  I went to a Ladies retreat and God did so much in me!  I saw women strolling back and forth to the dining room, strolling to the lake.  I was so short of breath just getting back and forth where I had to go.  No going to explore anything for pleasure. I stood a long time at the lake because I could not make myself do the exercise we were to do and that God was calling me to do, for days after I hurt so bad just from standing that long.  I hate that I am this way.  Today my daughter did lunch with Noah for his birthday and so we met her and I had to park in a non handicap space and pull further on one side so room to get my son in his wheelchair.  when I got there it worked fine.  When it came time to leave the car that had arrived was parked so close I could not , no matter how hard I tried to squeeze myself in, get into my van to leave.  I am crying and sweating like crazy and I just can't fit :(   I had to stand there in pain kinda leaning in the back door by the boys till the people came out and left so I could get in the van.  We went to a play with the boys recently and it was at a school.  I barely fit in the chairs, ok I did not fit but I sat in it and I had bruises on my hips and was in so much pain the whole play.  I just kept wishing it over and not enjoying it as much as I should.  I carried Jeremiah in from the van after lunch today and I fall in the chair, heart pounding and short of breath and literal tears down my face.  What is that for him :(  It is harder and harder because I am worse and worse.  I am to big to live life normally and I hate it and I hate me.  I know its wrong but that is another battle here.  I watch other people and so I know!  This is not normal life :(  I worry as I watch 600 lb life that this will be me!  I see women on there who refuse to get up after surgery and I think I am not 600 lbs and it hurts to stand, hurts to walk and is getting almost impossible without the wheelchair or stroller to hold on to.  So I know I need to change, I know I want to change, I know I have to change!  I know that part of my throwing something in that lake at my retreat was me throwing this weight in , this shell around me, and making myself useful for God's service.  There are thinks I ache to ask to jump into at Church but I know I can't.  I can't even stand up long enough.  Sooo I come to you and I lay it all out and I say I NEED prayer!  I feel now more than ever this is life and death, not just life that I am not able to live because I am on the sidelines, though that too, but I am literally scared for my physical life.  How hard my organs have to work etc.  I know the single biggest thing I need is HELP.  I need PRAYER!  I need support and I need folks to not give up on me as I have myself!  I know this is the first step.  PRAYER>  lots and lots of prayer!  I need prayer to be release this bondage of super morbid obesity, I need prayer to try yet again, I need prayer to stay motivated, I need pray to balance all of life and do what is needed for this and my kids, my husband, and all of life.  PLEASE join me in prayer.  I am not going to be posting on fb this time every time I workout, everytime I track something or whatever.  I will try to update this blog so I can see the journey if I EVER manage to actually make progress.  I am posting a link to this post because more people will see it to pray.  Please please pray.  I can't do this.  But HE can do this if I can figure out how to let Him!  Thank you if you read this and if you are praying,
Tamijoy

I saw this quote and it so sums up alot God has been doing in me for a long time but in hyperdrive recently! Just as the walk I have with the Lord to follow Him with my life is not about religion but about relationship so is so much of this life! My prayer is that God will take my MESS and turn it into a message! What God has done for me, what He has brought me through in personal healing, what He has done in bridging the ocean and bringing my boys home, and so much more is all amazing and overwhelming to me but it is not about me. Its about HIM! and Its about people! I do not want to continue to allow fear to keep me from sharing what God has done because then I can't be used. I want to be Jesus with skin on for others! The words in this picture are soo true! It is ALWAYS about people! Jesus came for the people! "He did NOT give you a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind"!! Clinging to that and taking the next layer off to what what He leads, whatever that may be! I am not sure WHY I am suppose to share this tonight, But I know one thing. No matter WHAT you are thinking, WHAT is going on with you right now, WHAT is overtaking you, GOD IS ABLE!

I need your support! PLEASE

So I have signed up to walk on a friend's team for her children with MITO!  It is in April!  I need all the support I can get as I work to get stronger and stronger to really do this walk outside with this team. Our team is The Banana Peels.  I am also trying to get donations for Mito. Even $1 helps!  So please show me some support and help me and my friend and her sweet kiddos and so many others affected with Mito out!:) May God bless you richly for your help :)  Here is the link to my personal walk page :)
Tami's Walk Page!

Sharing some of the journey

Feeling VERY down right now. Need to focus on the positives. Thought I would share a bit of things I am doing along this journey.

It's HERE! package from beachbody arrived this week.

Shakeology for a jump start and slim in 6 for a new workout

working out to slim in 6

 and my first shake

working out and my work out buddy one day :)

with video

I can use ALOT of prayers and support if you have some to spare!