What I am learning

So I am just about complete with day 4 of this 14 day liquid diet!  I must say in ways this is a big challenge!  I have a list of no calorie things I can use to improve the shakes and I can make them whatever consistency I want.  Praising God for internet for some ideas and I have jumped out on a limp and made them worse and some better.  Anyway thought I would post a little update on things and share what I am learning during this time...

1. I am learning that hunger is not really a big issue for me.  I have to describe my hunger every time I document what I drink I have to put my mood and my hunger level and they describe the level.  I fear they will not believe me because I really have not been hungry.  NOW that does not mean I don't WANT food!!!   but physically hungry I am not really.  It is weird.  I think today is the first time I can say I really was hungry by the definitions on the chart.  my stomach is growling alot today too which I have had that happen before of course but today is the first day since I started this that it is growling.  

2.  I am learning that I dont understand moods!  that seems hard to me to pick a mood.  they give me some examples.  more often than not I am putting neutral because not sure how to put anything else.  I have been more crabby and emotional lately but those are not really on there! LOL

3.  I am realizing that when you have so little to choose form as far as flavors and varieties you realize how much you miss things.  And NOT junk so much!  Well some but just alot of normal things that are not really bad.  like Milk!  

4.  I am learning that I like more veggies than I think I do!  Because seein them on a plate or tv or commercial, internet whatever my mouth is watering and I am wishing I could have them!

5.  I am learning that I can do more than I think I can THROUGH GOD!  I have had some pretty hard things to get through and NOT give in during.  I had to cook Chinese New Year for the family and watch them all eat it while drinking broth and shakes.  and we were at an event with my favorite bbq catered and could not have a bite.  Emotionally I have battled odd feelings through it all and it overwhelms me I still have 10 days to go!

6.  I am learning that I have some very passionate and vocal people in my life for both sides of this.  

7.  I am learning that alot of people spend ALOT of time thinking about , talking about , and eating food!  I even had someone very close to me say how they really do not want me to do this because they live to eat and can't stand the thought of me not being able to eat barely any food after this!  That was interesting statement to me.  I will say I have had the thoughts and upsets about having to only have so few calories a day for the rest of my life (750 according to the paper I was given)  and  only being able to eat bites at a time.  It seems in my head that there should be a way to do this with a happy medium rather than extremes but in all these years I have not.  So then I get the worry what if even this does not work.  Anyway., as I am dealing and praying through so much hearing so much about food all the time at a time when I can't have ANY of it at all is really strange.

8.  I am learning that I have to be able to do this on my own even if I have no support.  Everyone has their own lives, even in my own family, they have there own things to think about and be concerned about and I can't expect to have their support in this.  I am praying to have some but whether I do or not I have to be able to do this.  I love my family and they are great so do not take this as I am complaining or they are not awesome because they are but this is my problem and its easy for them to go off about there day and forget. 

9.  I am learning that I know nothing about extracts and spices but I need to learn!  LOL  Cinnamon and Almond extract both seem to be strong and help mask yuck of the shakes! LOL  

10.  I am learning that I have to trust God even when its scary, even when my earthly eyes can not see what I need to see.  I was soo good at this with the boys and the adoptions and even with Jeremiah in life threatening times with him but when it comes to me personally I am struggling much more!  I am learning I do NOT see myself the way God sees me.  I know that I see others as God does and I know in my head how He feels about His children but I am not able to see that in me.  

so I am sure I could go on but just a bit of an update for those who are asking "How ya really doing?"  this is just a bit for you :)

Newest Update on the Journey and we are off!

So I made the trip to Baton Rouge for Screening number 1 for this study and had to weigh in there with clothes during midmorning and was NOT happy with what I found out!  Sigh...

Loss for the week: +7 lbs (actually been more like a month but still not good ;( )

Starting weight: 345 lbs

Current weight: 340 lbs

Total loss to date: 5 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 1.4 %

BMI: 54.9

Pounds left to loose: 195

kinda how I feel about it inside.  Actually as much down as angry at myself :(  When I look at things I am not thrilled. This shows how I have NOT been able to do this :(  LOOK how many days since I began this ...

Anyway that is kinda where I am .  I did loose more weight but could not keep loosing or keep it off.  I am not happy with myself.  Anyway as I shared in last post I have been given the opportunity to be involved in a study about weight loss surgery and was one of only 200 in tons and tons of people who were selected by a lottery draw.  We prayed so hard that if God wanted me to have surgery he would make a way and it really seems like He might be saying He wants this and is working this out.  

This is the name  of the study that I am in.  I traveled to Baton Rouge on Valentine's Day for screening 1!  I did well and made it through that and had a BUNCH of blood work drawn and the testing they did came back in this morning and the dr's signed off on it and said I passed that!  So basically the next step is tomorrow I begin a liquid diet for 2 weeks.  I will be having 5 Health One Shakes a day.  I can also chew up to 10 pieces of sugar free gum a day, have up to 3 cups of hot water with 1 bouillon cube in it a day, drink diet soda, sugar free drink mixes, root beer, vanilla, and other extracts added if I like.  The 2 flavors are vanilla and Chocolate.  I am a little nervous about being able to tolerate the shakes.  I have a massive gag reflex when it comes to things that taste bad.  I can make them with less water and make it like pudding consistency, milk shake consistency or as a drink consistency.  PLEASE be praying I can tolerate this.  I will also be taking a multi vitamin each day and tracking everything that I drink during the 2 weeks and how I feel when I have it and such.  It is goin to be interesting for sure! Also on Feb 28th I will see a cardiologist here in town to make sure my heart is strong enough and I can be safe with the surgery.  Then on March 4th the children and I and an undetermined person (PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS) will head to lafayette for the kids appts and then on the 6th travel to Baton Rouge and then early am on the 7th I will have screening number 2 which is about 3 to 4 hours.  I HAVE to have someone with me to watch the boys in the waiting room during the appointment!  My best friend that goes with me often can not go, my mom is not physically able to watch the boys, and Celeste and Bobby will be working and so I have to pray hard God will show me who is to go with us!  Also somehow I have to be on a liquid diet and figure out how to make the shakes while traveling and away from my kitchen and blender!  Goin to be interesting there too!  As long as cardio appt and the 2nd screening go well all will go to the surical review board and I will then at some point find out which surgery they are offering to me.  Once they contact us we will set up an appointment in shreveport with Dr. Merriman and begin the process to the surgery!  I will know more when we meet with him!  We are very prayerful as we move forward!  

I must say there are so many thoughts goin through my mind at this point!  I know there are alot of people who do not agree with weigh loss surgery, who feel it is a "quick fix" or the "easy way" or "lazy way".  I can tell you from my experience and those of folks I have talked to and research and the dr.'s it is FAR from the quick easy and lazy way folks view it at.  I know for me either way I am petrified!  I still will have to consume less food and exercise and since it is so hard now to loose there is a fear that even with the surgery I wont be able to do this!  Failure looms in my mind and the thoughts of some people are meant to be this way :( I want to LIVE!  and I want to have a life!  I want to be able to leap in worship!  I want to be able to be active and play with my kids, I want if a miracle comes and we get to go to Taiwan R.O.C.ks in California I want to have the ability to walk around Disney with our friends, and to jump and swim in the pool with the kids and not be the biggest person there who is exhausted just helpin the kids and can't even function.  I could go on and on but it is so hard to explain the feelings inside to anyone.  The reality is I am 340 lbs and I am NOT getting smaller and staying that way!  Whatever your weight is as you read this subtract from 340 and imagine exercise or any activity with that much weight laying on your back arms and legs!  If you are at my goal weight of 125 to 140 that is 200 lbs + more than you are now.  If you are at 240 that is another 100 bls!   I know someone who is 170.  I am DOUBLE her weight!  DOUBLE!  I make TWO of her! I am sure some of you are thinking I did this to myself.  Somehow I guess I did but it feels more like it just is.  I had a bunch of questions to answer about eating and such and it was odd.  I do not eat entire pizza or more at a sitting I do not eat a gallon of ice cream and on and on that is associated with someone almost 350 lbs.  I am at a point where I realize that daily I am a ticking bomb that could die at any point.  They do not say super morbidly obese for no reason.  I am blessed to be alive and I WANT to stay that way.  Am I wrong for doing the surgery if I do it?  I don tknow for sure.  What is my motive.  To get healthy for my kids, to loose enough weight to have the energy and less pain so I CAN work out more and more active with my family and continue to loose weight.  When your husband says to you I am afraid for you NOT to have the surgery what do you think?  I am finding more and more people have had one of these.  And if you are reading this and you have PLEASE contact me either by email childofmyheart@aol.com or on FB tamijoysisemore and share your story.  The good the bad and the ugly!  For those who do not agree with even considering it I am sorry I let you down!  For those who have followed along and been inspired in the past by me and I have failed you now again I am sorry.  I did want to help others and be an inspiration to them but now this has to come back to being about me and my family!  I DO NOT WAN TO DIE!  I WANT TO LIVE!  This is the HARDEST decision I think I have ever had to make!  I have to trust God that HE will keep me safe!  Even if it is the wrong choice.  GOD is bigger!  Please if you do not agree please can you still be my friend, still follow along, still be civil if you are local!  I am sorry if this sounds odd to ask to some of you but it is so hard knowing folks are angry or let down or disappointed in me!  A friend today said to me.  This has to be about YOU and you have to STOP caring what others think.  It is HARD for me to not care :(  Dr. Merriman said in a video I watched that if I had cancer and he said I have to do this surgery to save your life I would say schedule me tomorrow and so would everyone else, but because the disease is morbid obesity it seems like not as vital.  Morbid Obesity is deadly just like Cancer.  PLEASE if you have or had cancer do not get mad at me for the comparrison.  It was one he made in the video!  Here is the most recent picture I think I have of me and its mainly my head.  Its me and Bobby at Church one day.  I wanted to put it here and hope you can look at it and see the desperate woman who just wants to actually life life!

I appreciate ALL your prayers and friendship and even if you do not agree please still be in touch and know I love you and I am sorry.   PLEASE pray for me during this 2 weeks of liquid shakes and trying to be more active again, Please pray against pain, PLEASE pray for who is to go with me on our trip down south, and please just pray for my heart and that God will make things evident and I will have a peace! "God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind"!!  Pray I will REMEMBER that!

Update and prayer

Just wanted to give a mini update and ask for prayer.  Weight wise I am at 338 this week.  Feelings of total failure seem to loom heavy on me.  God is doing so many things in my lately and I know I am changing and becoming a better me on the inside but the outside is not following suit.  This week at Church I was in tears because I can't worship as I feel because of my body.  I can't jump I can't really dance and can't stand at times the whole time.  Battling anger at myself.  Failure is all I hear in my head.  

on to prayer.  We have been presented with an opportunity we were told would never come with our insurance.  I have been selected to be part of a study on how weight loss surgery affects medical costs and thereby am being offered a weight loss surgery by my insurance.  I leave town tomorrow afternoon to go down to Baton Rouge and on thursdy at 8 am I will go through the first screening towards the surgery.  If I pass that then I will come home and a few days later do a 2 week liquid diet and then go back to BR in about 2 or 3 weeks for a second screening.  If I pass that as well and go to any dr appts or tests they feel necessary with the 2 screenings then all my information will go to a surgical medical review board and they will determine what surgery they feel is the best for me.  It will be either lap band/ gastirc sleeve/or gastric bypass.  I will not have a choice.  They choose.  At that point we meet the surgeon here locally and begin discussing dates.  by that point we have to know for sure if we are gong to move forward with me having the surgery!  I am going up and down with this in my mind.  I know things have come a long way in recent years and there are TONS of success cases of each kind of surgery and also I am sure tons of horror stories, some of which I have been told.  My husband is concerned I am in intiment danger to stay at my current weight.  either way it scares me that my weight is putting me in the position to NEED to loose in order to stay alive.  I am upset with myself but that is not doing me any good so why be upset!  I keep thinking why is this so hard and then it came to me that if my thin friends that are so stong and healthy had to go through a day with a 200 lb person laying on there body how much would they acchomplish in daily life much less exercise and running and such.  I would bet not much.  So I can see that and I can see WHY it is so hard for me to function but its almost like I need the weight gone so I can do the exercise and active lifestyle that I need in order to get rid of the weight.  anyway please be praying we make the right decision and the LORD will guide us in what to do.