watching

I found myself today sitting on a bench at the walmart with my 2 angel boys waiting on my mother to finish her shopping.  I was unable to do what I needed for lack of room in the buggy with jeremiah laying inside.  So I sat there and fed him a bottle and just watched the world go by.  It was a strange kind of feeling and day for me.  I realized sitting there watching the world go buy that most of the world is skinny or just a bit overweight.  I mean I know I am the biggest person I personally know and all but still it is different to sit here and see it all.  I am watching ladies check out in front of me that are so thin, so normal.  And I wonder, what must it feel like to be thin and beautiful?  What must it be like to be able to wear beautiful clothes, to find inexpensive cute clothes for fun times, to have so much energy and to just be normal.  To not have folks look down on you because you are so big?  What must it feel like to be thin and beautiful?  As I sat I saw really thin, kinda thin, slightly plump, a bit more overweight and just a whole realm of folks, though most were thin or just a bit more than that.  I did see a couple of larger people, though still smaller than me and I also saw looks they were given.  It is weird to be a fly on the wall in walmart and see this.  I can just imagine what folks think about me, what looks they may give when I am rushing about and do not realize it.  I also experience strange looks and comments today because of my sweet Jeremiah.  It saddens me that the world thinks badly about him because of his disabilitities.  I am overall very down after this experience and I am not sure why I am writing.  I thought where to write about this and thought this weght loss blog that is basically useless because I am never going to be one of those thin beautiful women and it makes me very very sad :(  BUT I am blessed to have some amazing children and I will do all I can to be the best I can to be a good momma to them.  I do think I have lost a bit of weight but have not had time to go to the doctor to be weighed and find out.  but short of a catastrophic illness me becoming a normal weight or a thin and beautiful woman is NOT happening.  I can just pray to not be a disgust the rest of the world someday and be at least a bit less super obese.

NOT GOOD WEEK :(

Well, weigh in happened late this week and it is NOT a  good weigh in :(  Should have just skipped it all together :(  I gained 2 lbs! back up to 325 :(  NOT GOOD AT ALL :(  I am in tears :(  I did MORE this week to loose, more exercise, more water, more portion control, and everything!  not feeling so good right now and kinda hopeless :(

Weigh in Monday! Shock again!

Well, I have more shock this week!  I just weighed in and I am DOWN another 2 lbs!  Yes I know that is not much and added with last weeks 2 and half I have only lost 4 and half pounds so far BUT it is a loss! :)  I really did NOT think I would loose this week so I am thrilled.  Course my loss is nothing like biggest looser but then again I don't have all that help!  lol We have been exceptionally busy and active this week so that may have helped too :)   I have had a couple ladies commit to DONATING based on my weight loss!  It is kinda neat to think that Jeremiah is getting a total of $13 per pound at this point!  The first donation payments are scheduled to arrive when I hit 300 lbs!  Today I am 323 so I have a ways to go still.  PLEASE keep praying guys :)

Thank you :)
I am getting healthier for my boys!  :)  and me!

I AM IN SHOCK!

Well, last week Celeste helped me weigh and I was very sad to see my weight was 327 pounds!  I mean I knew I was big and I knew I hated things about me and about being big but still that just sounds so awful!  Our digital scale died on me so that is why I needed help to weigh on the other one, if you get off the weight leaves so she had to look for me :)  plus if you bend over I am told the weight goes up.  Anyway, point of all this is she just helped me weigh again as my first offical weigh in after my starting weight and I LOST 2 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am in shock!  Part of me is like maybe she just read it wrong but she pointed at on the scale for me to see and unless she is fudging it to make me feel good I FINALLY lost a tiny bit of weight.  BUT that is the first step!  HEADING DOWN!  I am trying to come up with some walk away the pounds video's I can walk in the living room with at home so it is not dependent on my having a car.  Granted I am alone here and dont company to do it with , well unless you count Noah!  We have had some changes in our life and our home this week so I am spending alot of time reorganizing, moving things around , spring cleaning etc.  I know it is not exercise but for this week that will most likely have to count!  Anyway just thought I would share my loss!  A friend suggested I get folks to sponsor me that they will donate so much per pound loss.  LOL  I told her folks do not care that much if I loose weight!  heehee  Anyway for those few who may read this blog PLEASE send me your words of cheer and advise :)  It would be nice to feel like someone is cheering me on :)

Sharing and reflecting...

Hi all, or anyone, not really sure who was readin this when I was posting the few times I did.  Boy, looking back over 2009 and all I wanted to do and all I DID NOT do makes me so sad.  Not only did I not loose 20 in 09 I GAINED weight.  I am not positive at the moment what I weigh but it is NOT GOOD :(   I have committed that I am GOING to loose weight for Jeremiah!  I know, anyone that is reading...you are saying umm you said you were loosing weight last year and didnt.  Well, all I can say to that is YOUR RIGHT!  I can't tell you how, and I can't even tell you how much, I just know I feel like I need to loose weight to be a better mom for Jeremiah and NOAH as well really but with Jeremiah and his needs I will need more strength and more health and weight does not help those things.  I cry my eyes out when I think about this, when I think about the boys growin up with this MORBIDLY OBESE mama! :(  How much more could I do with them if I was smaller?  How much less will I embarrass them over the years?  And not to mention myself and how I can't stand how I look and hate being the biggest person I KNOW and the biggest person in the room when I go places.  I had my catchy title in 2009 but it did me no good.  So I started reflecting a bit on HOW am I gonna do this, and what am I gonna rename this blog???  Any ideas on the name guys????  I just know a few things.  I know I HAVE to loose weight and do what I can to do to be a better and healthier person.  I KNOW I need the LORD!  and my doc says I need some medication and she SAYS if I take this medicine correctly and they regulate things my body will do what it is suppose to do and I will loose weight.  Now, let me explain...  I have Insulin Resistence.  I dont completely understand it but it has something to do with how my body uses insulin.  According to my doc because of this it affects my ability to loose weight so even when I do what is right to loose and dont loose that is why.  Soo I am supposedly now on the right dosage of medication for my body to work correctly and so my attempts should be more succesfful! We shall see if she is right.  Now, I KNOW I must have GOD for this!  I keep thinking about 2010.  Now I KNOW I can't loose 2010 pounds in 2010 LOL  thank God I dont weight that much, and I can't even loose 201 pounds in a year.  I would PRAY I can loose at least 10 pounds in a year!  And I pray I can loose 10 lbs several times.  I guess the number of the year is 10!  Small goals this year I think!  So I guess what I am gonna do is see how many 10 pound goals I can make!  I will just start now with a goal of loosing 10 lbs and see how it goes and put all I have into that goal.  I will track how long it takes.  The prayer is I will get better at it and maybe my next 10 lbs will go quicker and easier than the first goes!  I DONT KNOW!  Also I am trying to figure out how to implement scripture into all this.  Any suggestions?  I have thought of tryint to memorize 10 scriptures per 10 lbs but I am NOT good at memorizing and dont want to set myself up to fail.  So I am thinking humm maybe I should work on reading differnt 10 scriptures.  Like Genesis 5:10, Psalm 3:10 etc.  I dont know how I would pic them.  Maybe just in my regular devotion time if I see a verse with 10 in it that speaks to me, then I can post it.  I DONT KNOW.  I seeme to be saying that alot!  anyway, if anyone is still reading, and I pray you are as I am definitly NEEDING support in this please comment and let me know.  I need to get a starting weight tomorow somehow.  Tryin to figure that out too as my scale is not working at the moment.  Anyway....is anyone out there?????

Blessings,

Tami~