watching

I found myself today sitting on a bench at the walmart with my 2 angel boys waiting on my mother to finish her shopping.  I was unable to do what I needed for lack of room in the buggy with jeremiah laying inside.  So I sat there and fed him a bottle and just watched the world go by.  It was a strange kind of feeling and day for me.  I realized sitting there watching the world go buy that most of the world is skinny or just a bit overweight.  I mean I know I am the biggest person I personally know and all but still it is different to sit here and see it all.  I am watching ladies check out in front of me that are so thin, so normal.  And I wonder, what must it feel like to be thin and beautiful?  What must it be like to be able to wear beautiful clothes, to find inexpensive cute clothes for fun times, to have so much energy and to just be normal.  To not have folks look down on you because you are so big?  What must it feel like to be thin and beautiful?  As I sat I saw really thin, kinda thin, slightly plump, a bit more overweight and just a whole realm of folks, though most were thin or just a bit more than that.  I did see a couple of larger people, though still smaller than me and I also saw looks they were given.  It is weird to be a fly on the wall in walmart and see this.  I can just imagine what folks think about me, what looks they may give when I am rushing about and do not realize it.  I also experience strange looks and comments today because of my sweet Jeremiah.  It saddens me that the world thinks badly about him because of his disabilitities.  I am overall very down after this experience and I am not sure why I am writing.  I thought where to write about this and thought this weght loss blog that is basically useless because I am never going to be one of those thin beautiful women and it makes me very very sad :(  BUT I am blessed to have some amazing children and I will do all I can to be the best I can to be a good momma to them.  I do think I have lost a bit of weight but have not had time to go to the doctor to be weighed and find out.  but short of a catastrophic illness me becoming a normal weight or a thin and beautiful woman is NOT happening.  I can just pray to not be a disgust the rest of the world someday and be at least a bit less super obese.