We have a plan...

So I wanted to come and update everyone on things with my journey! I saw the cardiologist as part of my process for the weight loss study and I was very gad to get a chance to see the dr and find out how my heart is fairing under all this weight.  My grandfather had his first heart attach very early 40's and died at 50, and my father had serious heart problems as well and died at 61 during quadruple bypass surgery. My grandmother (dad's mom) had severe cholestrerol issues genetically though was never unhealthy weight wise.  Anyway I have known family history is not good and none of them were large.  So I had a long talk with the dr who was very wonderful and he ran an echocardiagram as his first step to determine if he would clear me for the surgery and to continue in the study.  The biggest things to look at are the actual risk to me and my heart from the actual surgery as well as the risk of the "extreme dieting" that is involved after the surgery.  Anyway he shared his thoughts based on family history and his exam and ekg they did before he came in and all and said he would like me to have the echocardiagram that day.  So we did it and I left.

That afternoon he called and shared the results of the echocardiagram.  I do not fully understand it all but short story is that I have enlargement of the heart and some other things going on.  Years back someone had thought there might be a problem, but then later another dr said there was not.  The way things look now it appears there was a problem.  More testing will be coming soon.  

So, after much discussion and prayer between Bobby and I and the Cardiologist and taking into account the cardiologist report and the screenings that were done by the study personnel it has been determined that for me personally the surgery is not a safe option for my journey.  I am out of the study.  This does NOT mean that my need to loose serious amount of weight is gone, because it is not.  It does NOT mean I have given up.  It does mean the jump start of the surgery is not going to happen for me.  Bobby and I are at peace with things as they are and this entire process has really been good to help me learn alot of things, and to help us as a family make some decisions that needed to be made whether I had surgery or not to help me and our family become healthier.  

I like the above butterfly picture because it kinda speaks of where I have been for the past 2 weeks at least. I felt very alone recently and during the liquid diet portion of the study.  Part of that was because some folks were gone the majority of the time, part was because I was having to do things so differently than the rest of the family and part of it was just because.  I do think that was a good thing in some ways.  It is good for me to be in that place to a certain extetent and learn to share my needs toward the end of it and to realize that sometimes mama has needs and is gonna have to learn to make sure I am proactive of getting them met.  

Anyway on the the title of this post....We have a plan..  I am of course still committed, more than ever committed to loosing this 200 lbs.  Bobby is committed to helping me with the boys so I can get to the gym again on a more regular basis!  He is also commited to eating healthier and helping model better and healthier lifetsyle to our kids!  He is on board for us having a more active life long term too.  I will also be joining TOPS at my gym Fitness Lady. I am blessed they have a chapter at the gym and I hope having that with ladies that I am in water class with will be a great support for me during this journey long term.  If you do not know what tops is it is basicaly education meetings and weigh ins and a group supporting each other I am told.  I have not actually been yet.  I was out of town this week and I hope to be able to start next week.  I am still waiting on Noah's ball practice schedule to know for sure if I can start now or if I have to wait till after tball season for the actual meetings.  I will be meeting with my internist and the cardiologist to help me in this journey of loosing this weight and getting healthy for good!  

Thank you for those who have been such a huge emotional and prayers support as we explored this option for me through the study.  I can always use all the support and prayers I can get.  Loosing 50 lbs is a big deal and can take time so for me 200 seems HUGE and I am gonna need to constantly remind myself of why I am doing this and keep the motivation and energy up.  Also, please be in prayer for my thyroid and my fibromyalgia issues.  I will be talking to the internist about these as the tyroid is still not where it is is suppose to be so I guess some medication adjustments need to be made.  

thanks guys and I hope to have weight loss update to you soon.  I will weigh in monday morning and if I get to start tops I will weigh in there and use that as my official weigh ins :)

PRAYER NEEDED...Screenings Update

For all those following along on my Journey to a better me and this particular stage during the Weight Loss Study I wanted to update y'all.  I am on day 8 of the Health One liquid diet.  I have survived!  I still have 6 days to go so I am halfway there! I have figured out a couple of ways to stand the vanilla woohoo!  One is with cinnamon and splenda as a shake or cooked in the 2tsp of oil we are required each day as a fake pancakes.   and the other is with ice and diet sunkist orange soda.  Both are workable.  Chocolate with splenda and almond extract and I do it as shakes with ice, or hot as cocoa or with a little required oil and cook in microwave with a little water and it turns into a brownie kinda thing and then drink the water along with it.  I was blessed with a new blender when mine went out during the week!  I LOVE my Ninja Pulse!!

It is PERFECT for the shakes that I have to make and helped the flavor because it does such an amazing job! It is also so easy. I put everything in the small container with the blade and put it upside down on the base and push a few times and a perfect shake! :)  I can't tell you how much this helps me!!  then I switch the blade top for a sip top and I am putting a straw in because it helps get it down but if it was a regular shake or smoothie I could just drink from the lid :)  It also has a bigger part to to make shakes for the family or salsa or something!  I can't wait to eat again and use it to make homemade salsa chicken :)  

Yesterday I went to see the Cardiologist to discuss whether it is safe for me to have the surgery and go through the extreme dieting afterwards, and to just check and see how my heart is under all this weight.  I do not have a good family history when it comes to the heart so I was a tad worried.  Dr. Walton put my mind so at ease that I was in good hands!  He and the entire staff were wonderful.  He wanted to run an echocardiagram and see how the heart looked before making his decision on if he will clear me for this surgery.  He had them go ahead and run it yesterday while I was already at the hospital.  Then called me yesterday afternoon with the results.  Well, there is a problem but we do not know just yet if it will affect my ability to continue in the study and have the surgery or not.  There is enlargement of the heart in the left ventricle. 

 I do NOT have high blood pressure and never have which can cause this over time so that is not the issue.  Dr. Walton wants more testing including a stress test and I am not sure what all else before he makes a decision on how I am doing overall and with the light of the surgery in mind. I leave town on Monday morning for a couple of days of appointments for the babies and then my next screening appointment for the surgery so I know the stress test will not happen until I am back in town.  Please be in prayer that whatever needs to be found will be and that Dr. Walton will make a safe decision for me!  I must say it is a bit frustrating that I might not be able to have the surgery but wont know for sure til after I have finished the shakes!  I sure wish If I was not goin to have it I could know now and stop these things! LOL  I will say this is so hard because of the lack of variety and flavors and the way it makes me feel :(

It is miraculous the things I am craving and miss!  It is also nuts how many places food is in life.  It is EVERYWHERE I go, in pics, in speech, etc.  I thought about making a list of all the things I wanted but can't have!  LOL Remarkably most of them are NOT junk food.  

In addition to my last post about the things I am learning I have a couple more..

1.  I am learning to take more time to prepare meals in morning rather than the quickest easiest thing because there is so much to do.  I now not only have to do everything I already had to do but I have to feed Noah and I have make my shake or cook the fake pancake out of the shake mix.  As I am cooking or preparing each morning I keep thinking how I wish it was an egg and a piece of toast or something.  heehee  So I think after the 2 weeks we will go to more cooked, though still quickly as possible, breakfast and less things that can be popped in the toaster or eaten dry out of a cup.  It does make it hard to get it all done but I think it will be worth it in the end.  

2.  I am learning to eat more often!  I know that sounds odd from a 340 lb woman to say that but it is a HUGE challenge for me to force myself to eat 3 meals a day much less with 2 snacks.  I have done it but not very consistently.  My norm is to maybe not eat till supper or at least not till late afternoon.  I would grab Noah a quick breakfast and then do Jeremiah's feeding but not eat myself and alot of days for lunch even not eat.  Now with having to get the 5 shakes in and wanting the broth I am each day getting better at figuring this out and learning when and how to have them and sorta gettin into a routine.  

3.  I am still learning that my eating is more about what I want and less about hunger.  I have had a few times on this 750 calories a day where if I skip the shake too long then my tummy hurts as it growls so I know it is a physical hunger, but I am for the most part not physically hungry.  It is more hungry in my mind!  I am worried about that because then I worry the surgery will be useless if my issue is not really with needing to be full sooner.  

4.  I am learning that whether I have the surgery or not I have to figure out a way to get the help I need with the kids to get to the gym.  That I NEED other people and NEED to ask them to make sacarafices for me and that is very hard.  It means that either hubby and I have to give up some of the little time we have together around his work and sleep or hubby has to give up a little sleep or I have to ask my daughter from time to time to watch them when she is at home in the evening and then give up some of the little time she and I get.  But I know that without the water I can't move as much the rest of the week an with out moving and exercising surgery or not I will fail yet again.

5.  I am learning that I am getting old!  I know compared to an 80 year old a 43 year old woman is not old BUT I am old in my family.  I am almost the age my dad began having major heart issues, I am passed the age he had adult onset diabetes.  I am getting closer and closer to the age he and my grandfather both died in heart surgery.  One under 50 the other slightly over.  It is a scary realization that though inside I feel like such a little girl,, I AM OLD and my heart is old.  

I love the above picture of the beautiful purple butterfly!  Butterfly has become more and more a symbol to me as this journey progresses and I really want to collect things with pretty ones on it I think :)  I am always looking for saying about butteflies and pictures of butterfly with inspirational quotes.  They make me feel good :)  This one is powerful to me because it means someday when I am finally the beautiful butterfly I will not just look different but will have been through so many changes I will be different.  For someone who does NOT like change and is really scared of it this is wild!  But I want the end product so that means I have to embrace the change.  Well ok at least emotionally survive it! LOL

PLEASE keep me in prayer as I go through today and the next 7 days of this very challenging liquid diet process.  I am very emotional, dizzy on and off, feel weak, hypersensitive, and very reflective right now.  There are other things goin on in our life that are scary and I am needing to storm heaven about as well and so being in this state while all that is also going on is very hard.  So we need prayer across the board.  I KNOW God is able!  I KNOW IT!  So if you are following along on the journey still leave me a message! :)  

thanks for caring guys!

What I am learning

So I am just about complete with day 4 of this 14 day liquid diet!  I must say in ways this is a big challenge!  I have a list of no calorie things I can use to improve the shakes and I can make them whatever consistency I want.  Praising God for internet for some ideas and I have jumped out on a limp and made them worse and some better.  Anyway thought I would post a little update on things and share what I am learning during this time...

1. I am learning that hunger is not really a big issue for me.  I have to describe my hunger every time I document what I drink I have to put my mood and my hunger level and they describe the level.  I fear they will not believe me because I really have not been hungry.  NOW that does not mean I don't WANT food!!!   but physically hungry I am not really.  It is weird.  I think today is the first time I can say I really was hungry by the definitions on the chart.  my stomach is growling alot today too which I have had that happen before of course but today is the first day since I started this that it is growling.  

2.  I am learning that I dont understand moods!  that seems hard to me to pick a mood.  they give me some examples.  more often than not I am putting neutral because not sure how to put anything else.  I have been more crabby and emotional lately but those are not really on there! LOL

3.  I am realizing that when you have so little to choose form as far as flavors and varieties you realize how much you miss things.  And NOT junk so much!  Well some but just alot of normal things that are not really bad.  like Milk!  

4.  I am learning that I like more veggies than I think I do!  Because seein them on a plate or tv or commercial, internet whatever my mouth is watering and I am wishing I could have them!

5.  I am learning that I can do more than I think I can THROUGH GOD!  I have had some pretty hard things to get through and NOT give in during.  I had to cook Chinese New Year for the family and watch them all eat it while drinking broth and shakes.  and we were at an event with my favorite bbq catered and could not have a bite.  Emotionally I have battled odd feelings through it all and it overwhelms me I still have 10 days to go!

6.  I am learning that I have some very passionate and vocal people in my life for both sides of this.  

7.  I am learning that alot of people spend ALOT of time thinking about , talking about , and eating food!  I even had someone very close to me say how they really do not want me to do this because they live to eat and can't stand the thought of me not being able to eat barely any food after this!  That was interesting statement to me.  I will say I have had the thoughts and upsets about having to only have so few calories a day for the rest of my life (750 according to the paper I was given)  and  only being able to eat bites at a time.  It seems in my head that there should be a way to do this with a happy medium rather than extremes but in all these years I have not.  So then I get the worry what if even this does not work.  Anyway., as I am dealing and praying through so much hearing so much about food all the time at a time when I can't have ANY of it at all is really strange.

8.  I am learning that I have to be able to do this on my own even if I have no support.  Everyone has their own lives, even in my own family, they have there own things to think about and be concerned about and I can't expect to have their support in this.  I am praying to have some but whether I do or not I have to be able to do this.  I love my family and they are great so do not take this as I am complaining or they are not awesome because they are but this is my problem and its easy for them to go off about there day and forget. 

9.  I am learning that I know nothing about extracts and spices but I need to learn!  LOL  Cinnamon and Almond extract both seem to be strong and help mask yuck of the shakes! LOL  

10.  I am learning that I have to trust God even when its scary, even when my earthly eyes can not see what I need to see.  I was soo good at this with the boys and the adoptions and even with Jeremiah in life threatening times with him but when it comes to me personally I am struggling much more!  I am learning I do NOT see myself the way God sees me.  I know that I see others as God does and I know in my head how He feels about His children but I am not able to see that in me.  

so I am sure I could go on but just a bit of an update for those who are asking "How ya really doing?"  this is just a bit for you :)

Newest Update on the Journey and we are off!

So I made the trip to Baton Rouge for Screening number 1 for this study and had to weigh in there with clothes during midmorning and was NOT happy with what I found out!  Sigh...

Loss for the week: +7 lbs (actually been more like a month but still not good ;( )

Starting weight: 345 lbs

Current weight: 340 lbs

Total loss to date: 5 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 1.4 %

BMI: 54.9

Pounds left to loose: 195

kinda how I feel about it inside.  Actually as much down as angry at myself :(  When I look at things I am not thrilled. This shows how I have NOT been able to do this :(  LOOK how many days since I began this ...

Anyway that is kinda where I am .  I did loose more weight but could not keep loosing or keep it off.  I am not happy with myself.  Anyway as I shared in last post I have been given the opportunity to be involved in a study about weight loss surgery and was one of only 200 in tons and tons of people who were selected by a lottery draw.  We prayed so hard that if God wanted me to have surgery he would make a way and it really seems like He might be saying He wants this and is working this out.  

This is the name  of the study that I am in.  I traveled to Baton Rouge on Valentine's Day for screening 1!  I did well and made it through that and had a BUNCH of blood work drawn and the testing they did came back in this morning and the dr's signed off on it and said I passed that!  So basically the next step is tomorrow I begin a liquid diet for 2 weeks.  I will be having 5 Health One Shakes a day.  I can also chew up to 10 pieces of sugar free gum a day, have up to 3 cups of hot water with 1 bouillon cube in it a day, drink diet soda, sugar free drink mixes, root beer, vanilla, and other extracts added if I like.  The 2 flavors are vanilla and Chocolate.  I am a little nervous about being able to tolerate the shakes.  I have a massive gag reflex when it comes to things that taste bad.  I can make them with less water and make it like pudding consistency, milk shake consistency or as a drink consistency.  PLEASE be praying I can tolerate this.  I will also be taking a multi vitamin each day and tracking everything that I drink during the 2 weeks and how I feel when I have it and such.  It is goin to be interesting for sure! Also on Feb 28th I will see a cardiologist here in town to make sure my heart is strong enough and I can be safe with the surgery.  Then on March 4th the children and I and an undetermined person (PLEASE PRAY FOR THIS) will head to lafayette for the kids appts and then on the 6th travel to Baton Rouge and then early am on the 7th I will have screening number 2 which is about 3 to 4 hours.  I HAVE to have someone with me to watch the boys in the waiting room during the appointment!  My best friend that goes with me often can not go, my mom is not physically able to watch the boys, and Celeste and Bobby will be working and so I have to pray hard God will show me who is to go with us!  Also somehow I have to be on a liquid diet and figure out how to make the shakes while traveling and away from my kitchen and blender!  Goin to be interesting there too!  As long as cardio appt and the 2nd screening go well all will go to the surical review board and I will then at some point find out which surgery they are offering to me.  Once they contact us we will set up an appointment in shreveport with Dr. Merriman and begin the process to the surgery!  I will know more when we meet with him!  We are very prayerful as we move forward!  

I must say there are so many thoughts goin through my mind at this point!  I know there are alot of people who do not agree with weigh loss surgery, who feel it is a "quick fix" or the "easy way" or "lazy way".  I can tell you from my experience and those of folks I have talked to and research and the dr.'s it is FAR from the quick easy and lazy way folks view it at.  I know for me either way I am petrified!  I still will have to consume less food and exercise and since it is so hard now to loose there is a fear that even with the surgery I wont be able to do this!  Failure looms in my mind and the thoughts of some people are meant to be this way :( I want to LIVE!  and I want to have a life!  I want to be able to leap in worship!  I want to be able to be active and play with my kids, I want if a miracle comes and we get to go to Taiwan R.O.C.ks in California I want to have the ability to walk around Disney with our friends, and to jump and swim in the pool with the kids and not be the biggest person there who is exhausted just helpin the kids and can't even function.  I could go on and on but it is so hard to explain the feelings inside to anyone.  The reality is I am 340 lbs and I am NOT getting smaller and staying that way!  Whatever your weight is as you read this subtract from 340 and imagine exercise or any activity with that much weight laying on your back arms and legs!  If you are at my goal weight of 125 to 140 that is 200 lbs + more than you are now.  If you are at 240 that is another 100 bls!   I know someone who is 170.  I am DOUBLE her weight!  DOUBLE!  I make TWO of her! I am sure some of you are thinking I did this to myself.  Somehow I guess I did but it feels more like it just is.  I had a bunch of questions to answer about eating and such and it was odd.  I do not eat entire pizza or more at a sitting I do not eat a gallon of ice cream and on and on that is associated with someone almost 350 lbs.  I am at a point where I realize that daily I am a ticking bomb that could die at any point.  They do not say super morbidly obese for no reason.  I am blessed to be alive and I WANT to stay that way.  Am I wrong for doing the surgery if I do it?  I don tknow for sure.  What is my motive.  To get healthy for my kids, to loose enough weight to have the energy and less pain so I CAN work out more and more active with my family and continue to loose weight.  When your husband says to you I am afraid for you NOT to have the surgery what do you think?  I am finding more and more people have had one of these.  And if you are reading this and you have PLEASE contact me either by email childofmyheart@aol.com or on FB tamijoysisemore and share your story.  The good the bad and the ugly!  For those who do not agree with even considering it I am sorry I let you down!  For those who have followed along and been inspired in the past by me and I have failed you now again I am sorry.  I did want to help others and be an inspiration to them but now this has to come back to being about me and my family!  I DO NOT WAN TO DIE!  I WANT TO LIVE!  This is the HARDEST decision I think I have ever had to make!  I have to trust God that HE will keep me safe!  Even if it is the wrong choice.  GOD is bigger!  Please if you do not agree please can you still be my friend, still follow along, still be civil if you are local!  I am sorry if this sounds odd to ask to some of you but it is so hard knowing folks are angry or let down or disappointed in me!  A friend today said to me.  This has to be about YOU and you have to STOP caring what others think.  It is HARD for me to not care :(  Dr. Merriman said in a video I watched that if I had cancer and he said I have to do this surgery to save your life I would say schedule me tomorrow and so would everyone else, but because the disease is morbid obesity it seems like not as vital.  Morbid Obesity is deadly just like Cancer.  PLEASE if you have or had cancer do not get mad at me for the comparrison.  It was one he made in the video!  Here is the most recent picture I think I have of me and its mainly my head.  Its me and Bobby at Church one day.  I wanted to put it here and hope you can look at it and see the desperate woman who just wants to actually life life!

I appreciate ALL your prayers and friendship and even if you do not agree please still be in touch and know I love you and I am sorry.   PLEASE pray for me during this 2 weeks of liquid shakes and trying to be more active again, Please pray against pain, PLEASE pray for who is to go with me on our trip down south, and please just pray for my heart and that God will make things evident and I will have a peace! "God did NOT give me a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind"!!  Pray I will REMEMBER that!

Update and prayer

Just wanted to give a mini update and ask for prayer.  Weight wise I am at 338 this week.  Feelings of total failure seem to loom heavy on me.  God is doing so many things in my lately and I know I am changing and becoming a better me on the inside but the outside is not following suit.  This week at Church I was in tears because I can't worship as I feel because of my body.  I can't jump I can't really dance and can't stand at times the whole time.  Battling anger at myself.  Failure is all I hear in my head.  

on to prayer.  We have been presented with an opportunity we were told would never come with our insurance.  I have been selected to be part of a study on how weight loss surgery affects medical costs and thereby am being offered a weight loss surgery by my insurance.  I leave town tomorrow afternoon to go down to Baton Rouge and on thursdy at 8 am I will go through the first screening towards the surgery.  If I pass that then I will come home and a few days later do a 2 week liquid diet and then go back to BR in about 2 or 3 weeks for a second screening.  If I pass that as well and go to any dr appts or tests they feel necessary with the 2 screenings then all my information will go to a surgical medical review board and they will determine what surgery they feel is the best for me.  It will be either lap band/ gastirc sleeve/or gastric bypass.  I will not have a choice.  They choose.  At that point we meet the surgeon here locally and begin discussing dates.  by that point we have to know for sure if we are gong to move forward with me having the surgery!  I am going up and down with this in my mind.  I know things have come a long way in recent years and there are TONS of success cases of each kind of surgery and also I am sure tons of horror stories, some of which I have been told.  My husband is concerned I am in intiment danger to stay at my current weight.  either way it scares me that my weight is putting me in the position to NEED to loose in order to stay alive.  I am upset with myself but that is not doing me any good so why be upset!  I keep thinking why is this so hard and then it came to me that if my thin friends that are so stong and healthy had to go through a day with a 200 lb person laying on there body how much would they acchomplish in daily life much less exercise and running and such.  I would bet not much.  So I can see that and I can see WHY it is so hard for me to function but its almost like I need the weight gone so I can do the exercise and active lifestyle that I need in order to get rid of the weight.  anyway please be praying we make the right decision and the LORD will guide us in what to do.

1 Year Anniversary of beginning Journey to a better me again

So today marks 1 year!  One Year since I had a come to meeting with Jesus about what my state of health was, about the fact I am super morbidly obese, about the fact that at this weight I am critical, that super morbid obesity is deadly.  I was desperate to loose it all AGAIN, convinced I was actually going to really do this, that just maybe with enough help, enough emotional support, enough gym time, enough enough enough.  Well I can say I am smaller than I was then, but overall I must say that I have failed in this year.  Here are the stats for me for now and then for a year ago.

NOW

Loss for the week: +2bls

Starting weight: 345 lbs

Current weight: 333 lbs

Total loss to date: 12 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 3.5 %

BMI: 53.7

Pounds left to loose: 188

 

THEN

Starting Weight: 345

Current Weight: 345

Total loss to date: 0 lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 0 %

BMI: 55.7

Pounds left to loose: 200

 

 

My life and weight in the past year has been a total YO YO!  Sigh  My emotions have as well!  The facts are I lost 12 lbs in the last year that stayed off.  I lost up to 35 lbs at one point but at this point it is only 12 lbs.  My BMI is down 2 pts and my weight loss total is 3.5 percent.  I am HAPPY that I have lost the 12 and prayerful that it will stay gone.  I am not happy that after a year that is all I have managed to do.  I have been up and down with this in my mind and emotions and spirit.  I am a different person this Dec 29th than I was last year even if only 12 lbs difference in weight.  I have kinda come full circle.  I became obsessed with the loss, obsessed with recording it and sharing and having the praise from others when I did loose.  Through counsel kinda decided it had become more about pleasing those following along than about me and the journey so I backed off a bit and quit sharing, quit tracking, quit letting the journey to weight loss encompass me and what ws going on with me.  Now as I sit and look back over the last year and see that stopping tracking, stopping sharing, stopping obsessing about it is when it stopped working.  So now I am at a loss.  WHY can't I have the motivation to do this privatly and alone?  Why is it that if I have folks following along I can do better and actually loose and when I dont the support for that helps charge me on to getting back up and trying again!  It is about me and about not dying, but I have always been a person that cares GREATLY what others think so maybe I can't do this alone, maybe I do have to have that support to make it through.  Maybe I do need folks to be SICK of hearing about me and the journey.  I DO NOT KNOW.  What I do know a year later is that I am still very ILL.  I am HUGE and my body limits what I can do daily. What I can do for my Lord.  What I can do for husband and children.  What I can do in my home.  What I can do in my Church.  What I can do in every activity and group I am a part off.  Every decision still involves can I physically do that, will I FIT if I do that or go there.  and on and on daily life is affected by this monstor that is me!  I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER.  The blub or something!  Inside I just feel like this trapped little girl that has become a monster!  I know that sounds crazy!  but it is how I feel.  So where do I go from here?

 

 

Part of me feels like I should just give up! Like maybe I am just meant to be this way and this big.  But then there is a part of me that is desperate and says I WANT TO LIVE!  I want to live a LONG time and I want to actually LIVE while I am here not just exist!! So as I look back over the weight loss progress I am trying to think about what was going on then.  What I was doing then and I guess maybe I will just keep trying.  My thyroid issue get wrapped into all this somehow and I need to deal with that too.  My first plan is when I have copay I will go to my doctor and see if we can get these medications regulated for my thyroid and insulin reistence.  I will discuss my fibromyalgia as well with her.  And ask about some supplements that have been recommended.  I do not think any of that is a quick fix but they may be keys to help me overall be a better me even if not necessarily helpful with losing the weight. 

 

So as I go through this one year anniversary day I have alot of praying to do and I have to figure out how to continue.  Part of me wants to say begin AGAIN but last dec tha tis what I did.  There were many bumps and ups and downs but I am still on the journey so I dont reckon it is beginning again as much as continuing and maybe figuring out a way to increase my speed!  I have rejoined Weight Watchers online and will also try to do some stuff at My fitness Pal as well.  I may not track at My fitness pal but at least hopefully have some support of friends there.    I need to do this in an emotionally healthy way and figure out a way to have that emotional support and encouragement but still be doing it for me! 

 

I have been talking at length this week with God about all this.  I know HE is my biggest answer to EVERY problem I face.  For those that do not know we have been with out nursing for months but now have a nurse again.  Partly so that I can have someone safe iwth Jeremiah so I can work out at the gym and such,, and partly to help me with the kids during school and therapy so that everyone has all their needs met including me during each day.  Also, for those that do not know Bobby lost his job Nov 13th.  We despretly need prayer for a job and one or 2 that pay enough to pay our mortgage and bills.  I feel like 2012 has been such a despretly hard year and that I must not be learnign the lessons the Lord has for me to learn.  I am sad to admit I am SCARED and I am having to force myself to speak peace. to speak trust. to speak faith about so many areas onf my life right now.  Over my concern for Bobby having a job and how our faimly will make it.  over my weight loss journey over my health and over my very life. 

 

 

Someone said to me that if I had cancer nobody would think it odd that I shared about how the treatment was going, asked for prayer along the way etc.  So why is it odd for trying to heal from this disease of super morbid obesity.  I am not sure how I feel about whta or not or that it is a proper comparission but it does bring it back to me that this weight CAN kill me.  I am in a fight.  I have to find the energy and whatever it is I need to fight for my life.

I went and got my weight loss weigh ins that I have tracked over the past year and put them all on a new page on the blog above called TamiJoy's Weight Loss Progress. Here it is minus pics and such if you are interested.

Starting (AGAIN) Date December 29, 2011

Starting weight: 345

Height: 5' 6"

12/29/12 ~ 345 first weigh in!

1/1/12 ~342.2 {-2.8 lbs}

1/4/12 ~ 336.4 { - 5.8 lbs}

1/9/12 ~ 334.4 {-2 lbs}

1/16/12 ~331.6 {-2.8 lbs}

1/23/12 ~329.4 { -2.2 lbs}

1/30/12 ~ 329 {- .4 lbs}

2/6/12 ~ 328.2 {. 08 lbs}

2/13/12 ~323.8 {-4.4 lbs}

2/20/12 ~323 { -.8 lbs}

2/27/12 ~322 { -1 lb}

3/6/12 ~ 322 { maintained}

3/12/12 ~ 326 { + 4 lbs }

3/19/12 ~ 328 { + 2 lbs}

3/26/12 ~ 321.6 { -6.4 lbs}

4/01/12 ~ 321.6 { maintain}

4/08/12 ~ 319.2 { -2.4 lbs}

4/12/12 ~ 316.6 { - 2.6 lbs}

4/22/12~ 315.4 { - 1.2 lbs}

4/29/ 12 ~ no weigh in

5/06/12 ~ 314 { - 1.4 lbs}

5/14/12 ~ 322 {+ 8 lbs }

5/20/12 ~ 319.8 { - 2.2 lbs}

5/27/12 ~ 318 { - 1.8 lbs}

6/03/12 ~ 316 { - 2 lbs}

6/10/12 ~ 314.4 { -1.6 lbs}

6/17/12 ~ 313 { -1.4 lbs}

6/24/12 ~ 312.2 { .08 lbs}
7/02/12 ~ 310 { - 2.2 lbs}
7/16/12 ~ 320 { + 10 lbs}
7/23/12 ~ 316 { - 4 lbs}
8/01/12 ~ 313 { - 3 lbs}
8/30/12 ~ 313 { maintain}
10/18/12 ~ 325 { + 12 lbs}
10/25/12 ~ 325 { maintain}

12/03/12 ~330.2 ~ { + 5.2 lbs}

12/10/12 ~ 331 { +.8 lbs}
12/29/12 ~ 333 { +2 lb} One year Mark
Total lost in one year 12 lbs

Failure

 

 

Failure

 

That is the only title I can come up with as I post tonight.  I doubt anybody still is reading the "Journey" blog but just in case thought I would post and I guess for me I need to post.  It hit me after the hardest week in I do not know when for our family that it is almost been a year since I began this journey again and said THIS TIME I would do it.  THIS TIME I would not give up.  THIS TIME would work.  Well like so many things in life THIS TIME I failed again!  December 29th is a year and it is fast approaching.  At last weigh in I am 325.  Down from 345 last year on Dec 29th but not as far down as I got and not even under 300.  I could not even get that done in 11 months.  I guess I should be happy I have mainI am tained at least 20 lbs of the loss.  and I am.  I fear this is totally impossible for me to do.  I just dont know.  Sometimes I wonder if some people are just meant to be super morbidly obese.  Lately I also wonder if some people are meant to be poor forever.  For anyone who does not know my hubby is without a job again.  He lost the WONDERFUL Railroad job that had such good pay and benefits and a good future for us.  we are TRYING to trust God and be thankful for HIS protection in that for some reason tha twas not a good job for Bobby we guess.  PRAYING hard for a new job.  Anyway I am off my subject of my failed journey.  As I reflect on the past 11 months and the name of this blog now.  A Journey to a better me!  Well, am I better 11 monts later.  humm  one could say in some ways yes but most would say no.  I am 20 lbs less so I guess that is better and I have learned alot both health wise and spiritually.  I was diagnosed with thyroid issues and medication started and stopped several times.  I am this week back on medication and trying that.  I have added b12 to help with the Fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue so that is good.  I still have a gym membership though have not been able to use it in months.  BUT a new nurse is set to start this week (if it happens this time) which will allow me at least a couple days a week at the gym again.  The fact I miss the gym could maybe be stated as better.  I just really dont know.  Spiritually till this last couple weeks I thought I was doing so much better and being changed from the inside out but now I just dont know that either.  The day Bobby lost his job we also lost his sister.  Within hours of each other. As I spent the last 4 hours of her life in the room with her and our family  I had so many questions for God.  I still do.  I feel guilty that I am questioning things.  The thoughts I have lately are just scary to me and I pray the Lord forgives me for these doubts and fears.  Anyway I just recently rejoined ww online and so that will continue to come out of my disability as will they gym because I have a contract for that.  I would love to say I am gonna do this, I am gonna make THIS TIME the time.  THIS YEAR 2013 coming up THE YEAR.  But with ALL my heart I believe 2012 was my year and I failed.  Again.  so I just can't say at this point.  I am sorry for everyone I let down.  My hat is off to my friends Charlotte who lost over 200 lbs and Danita who lost over 100 lbs.  I can't loose 50 much less over 200.  Yall are amazing women and my hero's.  I can say this journey to a better me is not over cuz I am not dead yet, I am not being cut out of my house and buried in the piano box yet.  And I pray it never happens.  Right now it is hard to come up with the energy to keep dishes clean clothes clean and kids needs met so it overwhlems me to think about doing anything else but there is a tiny something deep inside that still wants to try but then sense tells me you have failed so many times.  I mean if enough people tell you tha tyou are drunk lie down.  If you are reading this thank you for caring and again I am sorry I let you down.

 

 

 

me and the babies before Bobby's sister ( my sis since we got married) memorial service.