Keeping it real! my hardest day at Fitness Lady yet, emotionally

So thought I would share for anyone following this journey.  I promised I would make it real so I need to share even the negative bad feelings.  I am committing to stay positive as Bri  asked me to so I hope by writing out my feelings here about this that I will be able to lay them down and get back to positive.  I am sure in part today's feeling stem from very little sleep last night and havin to be up so early to take both babies for testing at hospital. Anyway, I headed to Fitness Lady and it was so good to get to be going again, did not get to friday, saturday or sunday cuz of scheduling and it was so upsetting to me to miss out.  I am hoping to work that out this week to go FRI and Sat.  Anyway back to today, I went to the gym and started out with a warm up on the Elliptical waiting for the trainer to have time for my last weight training session.  I am in a line of ellipticals and totaly surrounded by thin, beautiful fit women! I can see me and them in the mirror and I am fighting back tears.  For some reason it was just so hard and I felt so helpless.  The positive thing I can find in this is that rather than just get down and leave and give up, I stayed.  The trainer came up when I was at 6 and half minutes and said go to 7 and then she was ready for me.  So did the 7 minutes and then my upper and lower body weights training.  We added either 5 lbs or 5 reps to each exercise today.  I need to learn what they are all called.  I am thinking I can ask for someone to write it down for me so I can keep up with it better on the exercise page I plan to make.  Anyway got that session done with the trainer and then went back to do my cardio.  Back on the elliptical with all the beautiful healthy ladies.  It was a battle back and forth with my mind that this is impossible and I can never really do this and I do not belong here.  At one point I even thought someone beside me was looking at me strange.  More than likely they weren't or maybe if they were it was my slip on sandles I am working out in.  Maybe it was paranoia.  Anyway Bri was teaching a kick boxing class and I was remembering her telling me to work on being more positive so I am watching the class and trying to tell myself if I keep this up that someday I can do that class.  I am remembering Bri saying in 6 weeks I can do terminator tone up class.  Back to arguing with myself that I will never be able to do that.  All this while I am on the elliptical on level one working out.  I am trying to make myself listen to what Brianna is teaching and not think about me or how I feel like I am gonna die and am I doing this for nothing for it never to work.  Anyway I did not cry but made it through 20 minutes on elliptical.  and then headed to rotary bike and did 15 there on level 4.  It is like a battle in my mind.  I KNOW that I need to exercise for health and I know I am the biggest person at Fitness Lady and I look crazy doing all this but I know I want to live.  I just am mad  at myself for this emotional internal battle in my mind.  Anyway I need to keep it real ans share.

I also learned a lesson today.  Between exhaustion and lack of stuff here for lunch I spent an hour trying to pick what I could have delivered that was not too bad.  pretty much I had 3 pizza places to choose between. Kept trying to figure it out and then finally just gave into Pizza hut's special on Monday for $4 p'zone.  My mom and nurse were also ordering and so got everybody's stuff ordered and then had to track it.  Now for breakfast we were at the hospital and I ate so much better than I normally eat.  Got all that tracked and tried to guess up with how the food was prepared as hospital cafeteria who knows how they cooked it.  So when you added the P'zone and my breakfast together that left me with only 3 points for supper.  So I had to get creative.  Celeste was making hamburger helper for me since I did the gym so I knew that was out.  Going and looking around online I figured out dill pickels are free food so I had some of those and then 3/4 cup of great norther beans that was 3 points.  I should have eaten half the p'zone if I was gonna eat it at all and not had to have barely any supper and now I know that,  I really wish we had some place to deliver that had something a bit healthier and I am gonna have to just really stop getting stuff.  How do thin people eat at Pizza hut and places like that.  Everything is so calorie filled.  Anyway, I am off to drool over but trying not to covet workout clothes!  LOL  I have been noticing the things folks at Fitness Lady wear!  Workout clothes and some in Fitness Lady tshirts and work out pants and such.  I can't wait to get some Fitness Lady tshirts and workout clothes but everything in good time.

thanks for listening guys!

Weekly Weigh In Update #4

Loss for the week: -2.8 lbs
Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 331.6 lbs
Total loss to date: 13.4  lbs

Total Percentage Lost: 3.8 %

BMI: 53.5

Pounds left to loose: 186.6

13.4 lbs GONE forever In Jesus Name!  Not too bad since Dec 29th 2011.  That is 3 weeks and 3 days.  Weight watchers says my average weight loss has been 3.3 lbs a week.  I was happy to see a loss this week because I had a really bad eating day and had to use all but 9 weekly points this week. And I am also having a few bad days of pain and today I have fever and a sore throat.  I THINK it is my body telling me that with all of this I need to get rest in too.  Sleep has always been an issue with the Fibromyalgia and kids but I had been doing much better with sleep the first couple weeks but last week was really bad.  Hoping if I have a down day today and just light housework that has to be done that this fever and sore throat will leave by tomorow.  I am learning that Friday through Sunday are m hardest times to eat well and definitly to fit in exercise.  Need to think and pray about those days and what to do better.  Wednesday Night is proving difficult as well because I seem hungrier for some reason that night, so I am going to alter even more my breakfast and lunch on Wednesday so that will help my eating at Church supper to be less stressful and not end up using weekly points other than for dessert.  I have allowed myself dessert on Wednesdays because it is a treat to have it cooked by someone else, I am going to try to make sure it fits in my daily points though.  And I only eat it, or anthing for that matter, if I really like it.  I dont waste those points for something I dont care for! LOL 

I made a few goals this week.  If you havent seen it on the side of the blog I have a goal list of weight goals and non weight goals.  I will add to it as I think of more.  I had a goal for 10 minutes and 15 minutes on elliptical and I made both those goals in the same day!  Kedgy (the owner of fitness lady) was visitng with me during my second cardio training and she was like go at least 5 minutes and then went to do some things and I  just kept going and praying and singing in  head and when she came back I was at like 7 and a half and she was like TRY to go to 10.  and she talked with me the whole time and I got to 10 and she said keep going.  I got all the way to 15!  She cheered and bragged on me to Bri and the others around and that was so neat for someeone to have something to brag on ME of all people, especially fitness related! LOL  Anyway, 2 days later I beat the 15 minutes by getting to 16 minutes! LOL  I know that is not alot but its improvement!  Brianna shared with me to compare myself to noone but myself.  So if I can do better in any area than I did before then that is improvement.  The treat of a trip to Subway by my daughter helped me to see an improvement from myself before.  I used to eat as a standard if I got to go there a toasted footlong steak and cheese on italian herb and cheddar with bacn, pickels, sour cream, salt and pepper.  This time I went down to a toasted 6 inch with no bacon, no sour cream and by accident go the 9 grain honey oat bread.  It was a huge improvement for me even if not as well as some others might have done.  Baby steps to win the race.  Little by little I see my caterpillar self coming out of my cacoon.  Our Thursday Night Water aerobics class I thought she was gonna kill us but I survived.  She shook things up a bit and did totally differently and we swam laps doing different strokes up and down the pool and lost of kicking in different ways to use different muscles.  It was great and I learned the side stroke and how NOT to swallow the pool or drown when there are tons of waves caused by so many women trying to swim like the sharks were after us as she told us to do!   Also in 2 of my classes this week we did a bit of kickboxing in the pool!  Now I could NEVER do that on the floor but I did do it in the pool.  Also learning a bit how to actually punch.  Not sure I am good enough at it to actually protect myself but kinda neat to think I kinda know how to punch now.  I also was blessed to attend a Fitness class break out session with Brianna this week.  I am learning so much at Fitness Lady!! Not just to exercise but so many things to help me and my family have a better, healthier funnier, and fitter life!  If you want to see a bit of what we learned go to Brianna's fitness website HERE!  She has tons of good stuff on there to help you out and that is just interesting! Also check out my fitness center at the link above or HERE! It is one of the best things God has brought into my life! :)  And to show how much the Lord cares about us getting healthy I wanted to share that through much prayer and discussion my husband Bobby and I decided that even though financially this is one of the worse times ever for us and the worse time in the world for me to be asking to spend money on a fitness center membership and weight watchers that it was also a HUGE need for me and a huge priority and that no matter what we had to do it.  I get a small disability check each month and we have been using that to live on as well as his income.  We decided since that check is suppose to be to help with things needed for me and my health that Fitness Lady and weigh watchers would come out of it every month first thing no matter what.  We will just have to adjust.  We decided to do just ww online for now because of the financial cost so there would still be room for the gym because we felt both were necessary for me to be able to actually do this and win this fight for life and against super morid obesity.  So we made that decision right before I joined Fitness Lady on January 3rd.  So about a week or so later some money arrived in my account from disability.  I was totally confused as they had already sent me January's payment and I thought what on earth.  I decided to just hold off and see if they contacted me and if not I would try to figure out how to contact them and see what was up with this extra money.  So yesterday I get a letter in the mail from them explaining that I will now be getting about $48 a month more every month on my disability payment.  I was like GOD IS SO INCREDIBLE!!!!  He is basically helping me pay for the Fitness Center membership! :)  I of course if you know me, burst into tears!  I get so overwhelmed when I see the definite hand of God in my life and know He is saying  here you go Child, you are on the right track!  I can't believe it but then again I can! :)  Now the prayerful decision to make is whether the Lord did this so that we have back what we have been living on, OR are we suppose to take another step out and go up in my Weight Watchers Membership and get the monthly pass instead of the online only.  I will be researching things a bit this week to see if I can still use the online system I use now if I go to the meetings as well.  I sure cant afford to pay for both and doing the tracking online is really working for me so I dont want to give that up.  I will try and find out what the meetings are like and the benefit they have to me as we pray and seek God's face on if that is a decision to make now or to leave it just online and Fitness Lady for now.  Things are so financailly hard for us so I need to be wise in all this and do what we feel the Lord leading us to do , just as we did when the decision was made to do all this.  It is so hard for me to think about taking money away from my family for something that is just for me, but I just keep telling myself if you don't do this you are going to die. Anyway , just thought yall might like to hear about how the Lord blessed after we stepped out! :) 

I really liked this.  Butteflies are my theme because the Lord is transforming me from a caterpillar to a butterfly and I think they are so pretty and signify new life and the Lord is giving me a new earthly life and helping me to learn to live just as He gave me eternal life by dying on the cross for me!  I am always looking out for butterflies and insirational sayings on them!  Someday I want to get more butterflies to put around my house!  I have a few in my bathroom to remind me each day! 

So do me a favor guys and do ONE thing this week that is for your good health!  One change, one thing to become a healthier and better you!  AND in addition to that please leave me comments on what you did or will do, and any comments you have with tips for me!  PLEASE do not be offended if I do not follow your tip, or if I dont come on here and share about it, but I will read them all and take it all in as I am trying to make more and more steps towards a better me! 

January 15, 2011 Weigh In #3

Well, its weigh in day!  I am thrilled I lost, but not thrilled that it was so little, but trying to remind myself that EVERY pound should be celebrated and that is a bit more off my heart, lungs and body.  This week I lost

2 Pounds!

Two Pounds gone for good!  That is what I am telling myself.  Not was much as last week but still heading down.  With that 2 lb loss It puts making one of my goals!

Loss for the week: -2 lbs
Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 334.4 lbs
Total loss to date: 10.6 lbs

BMI 54  

Pounds left to loose: 189.4 lbs

I am not feeling well at all today.  I feel very bloated and have soooo much congestion in my head today :( YUCK.  Also have some swelling in my legs and feet and they are hurting more today.  Trying to stay motivated and now my goal is to do better next week.  

Had an awesome Night last night meeting my friend Charlotte and her family for the first time!  Charlotte is another adoptive mama who just so happens to have lost over 200 lbs in 2 years on Weight Watchers and exercise!  She came down to encourage me and to bring me some clothes.  Most are too small but it is so neat to think I may get down into them soon.  There are mutlple sizes for me to have a few things as I SHRINK in Jesus Name! :)  It was a fun evening of being treated to supper at Cracker Barrel and then swimming at their hotel! :)  My family and I had a blast! :)  She is an amazing lady with an awesome family :)  She was such an encouragment to me!  It is wonderful to meet someone face to face who has done this! :)  And she is still working at it :)  

Little by little God is helping my caterpillar self get ready to become the buttefly inside and out.  Today I begin a Christian Education Class at our Church that I pray will help me in becoming a beautiful butterfly for the Lord, my family, and those who my life may touch in years to come.  I can't wait to get to worship this morning.  I really need that today! Happy Sunday All!

Weigh In Update #2

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Loss for the week: -5.8 lbs
Starting weight: 345 lbs
Current weight: 336.4 lbs
Total loss to date: 8.6  lbs

Total Percentage Lost: trying to figure out how to figure that out!

So there you have my Sunday January 8, 2012 weigh in!  Not too bad, thank God for loss.  It is overwhelming to think I still have SOO far to go with just that little lost, BUT it is 5 pounds off my heart and joints and body and that is huge! :)  Yesterday at Church the Lord spoke so loudly to me during worship.  One song in particular really just screamed at me.  The words below :

Its time for you and I to stand
To march into our promise land
To walk in faith and not by what I see

His favor is upon us now
We're clothed in righteousness and power
Its time for us to shout the victory

For me in my journey to me right now with weight, and with some personal stuff this really huge! Time to walk by faith and not by what I see. My earthly eyes can't see me at 145 lbs, but with God I can do this and I can walk in faith to get there. It is time to shout the victory! Time to shout that I WANT to live, time to shout that GOD is the way I am gonna do this, time to shout I have Victory in the weight and the other stuff because of who GOD IS :) Here is the song! I just keep singing in over and over and over! This is one I HAVE to own at some point :)

On top of that wonderful song and feeling so like this journey is my earthly march into my promised land, so much was going on in my heart and mind during worship.  God is showing me and more and more parts of my life that are handicapped by me being Super Morbidly Obese.  He has led me to make a list of things of goals, not just weight goals, but goals of things I want to be able to do that right now I can't.  I was so emotional Sunday Morning as it hit me that this even affects my relationship with the Lord.  If you viewed the song above, (and if you didn't please do, its fun!) it is very very upbeat and such an awesome worship song.  We are singing it that morning and I am soo into worshipping God and all I want to do it start jumping!  WHAM!  it hits me, IF YOU WERE NOT SO HUGE YOU COULD JUMP for the Lord!  I tried but I am just not able to jump unless in the pool.  That goes on the goal list.  I want to be able to jump in worship.  I want to be able to worship in whatever way that the Spirit moves me and not be hampered by my weight.  Also another thing that happend was I tried SOOOOOO hard to stand all the way through worship, and I did last MUCH longer than I normally do, and when I normally would have sat I kept praying and telling myself to push myself and stand a bit longer and even told myself you burn more calories standing than sitting.  Then I felt guilty for looking at standing in worship as a calorie burn.  Anyway, another goal is I want to be able to stand all the way through worship period and then I want to be able to stand all the way through without having to think about it or it be hard!  Anyway, those were just a couple of things that came to me that need to be goals in addition to the scale goals.  I am going to be working on a way to put the goals up on the blog and something to track the weigh ins and such.  I think it is important for me to have it all up here for myself and those cheering me on to see how I am doing and as my catterpillar self begins to transform into that butterfly I want to be able to look back and see what all God has done and remember every step of the journey.  Please comment and let me know yall are following along.  I NEED all the Cheerleaders I can get!  Thanks for letting me share a bit.  I think that being able to open up and share about things is going to be important for me to release this weight and maybe some of the things inside that got me here.  I am looking so forward to a class at Church coming up that will work on the inside at the same time.  I am beginning to wonder if some of the pain and feelings inside have something to do with all this.

What a week!

 Hello to all of you who are following along and cheering me on!  What a week it has been.  It was a week ago yesterday on December 29, 2011 when I restarted this blog and went public with my plan to do all I could to find ME and to actually get to where I am living and to NOT let this Super Morbid Obesity Kill me.  It has been a pretty good week all in all!  So to share on Sunday I began doing the Walk Away the Pounds Dvd 1 mile workout.  This is a 15 minute mile with a warm up and cool down for a total 20 minute workout!  I almost passed out at first but I did it!  I did it that morning and that night!  GOD helped me for sure!

If you are unfamiliar with this workout dvd it is more than just walking.  It is a power walk plus alot of other exercise that calls on other muscles of the body.  It has walking, knee lifts, hamstring curl, arm workouts, side steps, side touches, and such all that you are doing while you are walking.  It is a good workout and there are many more to move up to so I am excited!  But the fact I was able to do that twice and not die was huge to me! :)  On Monday I did it again twice :)  I also emailed the gym I went to for a bit before Noah came home because when I went there I felt better than I have in years before or since.  After talking back and forth by email with the amazing owner we set up an appointment for Tuesday night for me to come in and sign up again!  I spent monday evening talking at length to Bobby about this and he agreed that it was VITAL I make this step so here we go! :) 

This is one of the T-shirts they have there that I soooo want!!! There are about 4 or 5 ones they have up there and are $20 each so that will be a luxery at some point! :)  I love what this one says!! :)  They have a pink one I really like too because I am into girly things and colors and I like what it says too but this one just really I LOVE :)  Anyway so I went in to sign up and met with the owners daughter who is one of the personal trainers and an amazing woman herself!  I can't tell you how wonderful these folks are and she has even had some training because folks with super morbid obesity dont loose weight like just overweight folks and can't do things in the same way.  She talked to me for a good while and I even cried in front of her and dont really know her.  She is awesome.  They all are.  Anyway they really think they can help me and I am sooooooo excited for this opportunity.  She explained this was gonna be a long haul type thing so I signed up for the longest contract she offered me which is for 2 years!!!  She was able to share with me that she has a couple of clients that started out my size and one even a bit larger than me.  One has lost 120 lbs in a little over a year.  I was blessed to meet her that same evening. :)  God is really working this all out for me and showing me that I can do this with HIM and the people and opportunities He is placing in my life!  So I signed my contract and then headed to my first class right then and there!  Water aerobics!!  An HOUR class!  

Here I am all dressed for the class before I put clothes on top and headed up there to sign up and do the class!  Now, if you have never done water aerobics at Fitness Lady you may think this is just a light workout. You would be far off the mark.  It is a real aerobics class but in water.  You really work out and do so many of the things that is done on the floor in other classes and also some stretching and toning!  The owner that teaches it makes it a total blast to boot so it being fun makes you want to do it.  I really wish I could go more than I can.  With the boys therapy schedules I can only go on Wednesday Morning and then I can do the 5:30 classes offered on Tues and Thursday.  So for now it will be 3 days a week for Water aerobics!  Next week I start the first 2 of my 6 training sessions that you get when you join.  They will teach me all about all the machines and such and help me work out a plan for me and my needs, decide what weight I need to set machines on, how many reps of things I need, etc.  I am quite excited!  They have a free childcare in M thru thurs evening and for Wed morning when I go too.  they dont have it on tues and thursday mornings so wed is the only morning I can go.  So I will be going up there for something Mon, Tue and Thursday afternoon/evening and Wed Morning :)  Can't wait to learn more and more :) 

I also signed up for the 100 days challenge!  You commit to doing some kind of intentional movement for at least 30 minutes every day for the first 100 days of 2012!  I have saved the below picture to my computer to color in each day as I do it! :)  I dont always want to move unless I have to , but now I am trying my best to move as much as I can.  Trying to get back to taking better care of my home, though I have to get very inventive in how to do some of the things cuz It is still not doable in a normal way but I pray the day will come when I am much smaller that I can do it all like I should.  

Isnt it cool! :)  Its amazing to think how little I was moving.  I am still hurting, but I was hurting sitting so now I am moving and hurting but overall I feel AMAZING!!!  I am so praying I can keep the motivation up for the long haul!  I now at Fitness lady they will help me to keep going and get past plataues or do whatever I need. It is amazing to know they are here and actually WANT to help someone as big as I am.  So many places just look at someone my size and think what is she doing here.  It makes me cry still thinking about how great this opportunity is and I will make the most of it!  I can't wait for weigh in Sunday morning to see if I will have some results on the scale to go with all this I am doing.  

I am back to weight watchers online!  I actually have been paying for it all this time but not really tracked since June.  So I started that back this week as well.  I have tracked all food and activity all week and I love the online site and how easy it is to keep track of it all and see what I am doing.  It tells me based on my weight how many points I can have a day and alot of foods are already in there system and I just write in what I ate and search and then it puts the points.  Some things I have to google online to find the nutrition info and put in the ww calculator on line to find points, and some things I just use the box.  It is great to with restaurants and all.  My friend Charlotte gave me a link to a site that has most restaurants on it and you click on the link to that place and it will tell you the best choices to eat and the points and all for it.  That will be a help for when we are blessed to go out to eat! :)  

Speaking of my friend Charlotte!!!   She is another adoptive mama with Asian Cuties and she has been doing weight watchers for 2 years and has lost 228 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  THAT is my bare minimum goal and she has done it!  I am so blessed to have her in my life for support and advise as well as friendship!  I am also blessed that she is only about 3 and half hours away from us and on January 14th she is coming into town to see me!!!  I will get to meet her face to face and hear all her story, her advice and just spend time with her and her family!  She is staying at a hotel with an indoor pool and has invited us to swim with them and just have a wonderful evening together!!!!  I CAN'T WAIT :)  I know Noah will love meeting her kids! :)  I can't wait to share with yall all about our visit and I can't wait for the day that I can be where she is!  But I have at least 2 years of work ahead of me to get there!  AGAIN , God is so showing me that He has got my back in this and providing more and more people to help, support me, and cheer me on!  HE KNOWS how I am and how much all of yall caring and cheering for me will help and motivate me!  I KNOW I can't do this alone!  BUT with God and with the help He is bringing and lots of cheerleaders I can.  

His Word promises that He has made EVERYTHING Beautiful in HIS time!!!  I am part of everything!  I am clinging to this verse and to the buttefly! The above saying is so me.  Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over.  That is me.  If I continue as I am I will die.  The doctor said it, people DIE from super morbid obesity.  And to make it worse not only could I die, but even alive I am not living  So much I can't do like I am.  I am the caterpillar!  A very big one.  But God can transform me into the beautiful butterfly!

God has done so much in me over the years.  He has broken so much bondage off me, He has healed me in so many areas from the inside.  Just recently He began the work inside on an even deeper level of my onion of need when I was in a SOZO mini class in my Church ladies cell group, Agape Women.  He began stirring some things in me I thought were gone, were healed, were not a part of me, and He began showing me that He is still working on me inside and now out too.  I also just found out that I will have an opportunity to do the SOZO full class in Christian Education on Sunday mornings soon.  God's timing is perfect.  How amazing that I will be able to go through this at the same time that He is working on the my physical body too!  He is working on me from the inside out.  I love the above verse and am trying to remember it in my own life!  The OLD has past away.  So much of my old still affects me to this day and I know that I need to leave it behind. Just as I will leave each of these unhealthy pounds behind for good.  I have to begin to see myself more and more as God sees me.  I am already a new creation but the more that I open up to God and others the more I can stop being the caterpillar and become yet again a new creation by being the butterfly!  Butterflies symbolize new life.  For me when I reach goal I will have a new life.  I will actually be able to live!  I wont be making decisions based on will I fit in the seats, how much walking is involved, can I get up and down from there, etc.  I am probably sharing WAY more than yall are wanting so I will hush now.  IF you read this far thank you.  I will be updating the blog often to share how I am doing for my cheerleaders to know and also for me to be accountable to knowin yall are watching.  I will be looking forward to comments and such so please comment! :)

Happy New Year 2012... So happy with myself today! weigh in #1

Well, Its January 1, 2012!  The first day of the first month of THE YEAR my life is going to change! IT HAS TO!  I am happy to say I have started out the day quite well today!  I joined a 100 days challenge with a group of folks that plan to have 30 minutes a day (EVERY DAY) of some sort of intentional movement for the first 100 days of 2012.  So this morning I began the walk away the pounds video work out!  I have done it in the past when I was not quite this large and with me having such shortness of breath and more pain levels and all I was figuring I might get half of it done at best.  So the warm up begins and I am telling Leslie are you kidding me THIS is a gentle warm up?  I am about to die! lol  I huffed and puffed and every inch of me hurt but I did the warm up and got into the cardio level power walk as she said.  BOY did my carido feel it! LOL  But I kept watching the little digital clock up at the top count down and doing my thing with her and then FINALLY she says we are fixing to start the cool down, I am ready to die at this point but I am thinking I made it this far!  So I kept going and did the ENTIRE 20 minute work out!  Basically she says it is a 15 minute mile (those of you who run are probably like FIFTEEN MINUTES for ONLY ONE MILE, but for me this is HUGE!  I DID A 15 MINUTE POWER WALK MILE!  And its kinda cool because its not just walking in place.  You do walk forward adn back, you do knee lifts up and down, you do side steps and you do kicks and then you do hamstring curl while walking.  towards the end of the workout you do double side steps and knee lifts too I think.  Anyway you are also doing stuff with your arms.  She says it is a way better work out than if you just went outside and walked a mile but its the same distance that would be covered.  I still have to do 10 minutes of intentional movement today.  I am thinking about maybe trying to do the mile workout again this evening.  but not sure if I should do that or something else.  Any way you look at it I am excited!

As if that is not enough good news to share, I did a weigh in this morning.  Thought the first day of the year was a good day to do a weigh in so I will weigh in every Sunday Morning now I reckon, or I may end up moving it to monday, not sure yet but for now its today.  I am at 342.2  that is a slight loss from 345!  I am so excited.  The biggest changes that brought that were more water and more movement in just basic living.  Today was the first day of a literal workout.  Well, last night during the fireworks I stood the entire time (which is another thing that never happens with me cuz standing hurts) and so because it hurt I was doing leg lifts, and marching in place and such on and off. so I guess that was a sorta little workout.

I also did my measurements yesterday.  :(  so sad but its the way it is.  I am gonna post them here and then see later if I can figure out something to go on the side bar that I can show the change as they go down.  I can't decide how often I should take measurements.  Not sure if once a week is good, maybe once a month.  I dunno.  Any ideas??

Ok, had to come back in and edit this cuz I forgot to put the measurments in.  So here goes:
Dress Size (28 to 30)
Waist (56 inches)
Hips (67 inches)
Arms (21 inches)
Thighs (30 inches)
Weight on Dec 29 (345)
Weight on Jauary 1(342.2)

Ok, there they are out there!  Not sure why it is hard to put it out there, not like anyone that looks at me can't see how HUGE I am.  But anyway, I pray to see the numbers go down down down :)

Happy New Year from The Sisemore's!  

Scared and trying...need help...starting again

So if I have any folks still following this blog I am sure you are saying to yourself, here she goes again.  Yup, here she is again gonna try and loose weight, gonna get healthy, gonna make changes, etc.  Those who have been around for the past few years have seen me do that with this blog a few times.  The last time I tried I did loose a little weight but have gained it back and more.  I am not really positive what happend, but when I came here today to make a post about trying yet again to do this I saw the last post I made and the date.  It was right after a trip to baton rouge last June.  Life that day took a HUGE turn for us.  My husband was budget cut from a 20 year career on the DAY of his 20 years.  He needed 25 to draw full retirement and we are thankful they gave him his retirement but it is a very very tiny check.  Nowhere near what it would have been.  We are able to keep our insurance with us paying what we did before so that is a blessing too but that then take most of the check, so basically its insurance.  Either way its not enough to survive on.  The trip to Baton rouge and the dr's was already planned for our sweet Jeremiah and turned out he had to go to baton rouge to complete the retirement process so the trip became a joint thing.  Little did we know then how long and hard the journey ahead of us was to become.  about a month later he did get a temp job that did not pay much but at least it was money coming in and he got some leave bought back from him by the job which between that and God kept us from totally drowning.  But that temp job did not last long.  Here we are 6 months later and he has a new job now.  It pays less than half what he was making before and so things are not great but prayerfully we can try and keep from drowning.  God blessed us through some amazing people and allowed us to make our house payment in December and to have Christmas thanks to some wonderful elves!  Now he is working but it wont be enough for all the basic house payment and utilities much less more but somehow we have to believe it will be ok.  Anyway, all that to share that the timing of me stopping blogging about my journey to health coincided with all that happening.  I have been depressed and getting more and more so as much as I fight it and tell myself to be content in all things and that God is in control.  I am ashamed of myself and the fear I have felt these past 6 months and to be quite honest still in the quite hours of the night still feel about all this.  But I know God is the provider and he has used some great people and some very interesting ways to care for us and I know he will continue too , at least at this moment I know it.  

Anyway back to my journey to a better me!  I know you are thinking yup, just all talk again.  I PRAY you are wrong.  The title starting with scared was more about this than the job and all.  I am flat out SCARED about my size, my health, my future , or potential lack there off one.  I look at my weight, I look at the picture of me coming into the living room carrying my baby Christmas morning and I bawl.  Am I even inside there anywhere?  Where is Tami?  For years as a big woman I thought well some folks can be large and be ok.  Its just how they are made.  My health was ok , no different than the joint issues and other issues I had since I was way smaller so what was the diff.  Well, now things are way worse.  The pain is way worse.  Shortness of breath you would not fathom.  I can't do anything , even basic care of myself without being short of breath and about to pass out.  I love to soak in my garden tub, but dread getting out, drying off and dressing because I feel dreadful when I do that.  It is sad.  I worry how my heart can hold up with 200 lbs of extra weight on this body?  that is another overweight person that I carry around on my body.  My healthy body weight for my height is between 140 and 150, so my goal weight is 145.  So basically I am 2 overweight women in one body.  I have skin issues and many issues that are strictly form being what my doctor calls ' Super Morbidly Obese"  Disgusting :(  I feel like so many people think well its your own fault.  well yes I guess it is.  I can go into so many things that may have contribute to this or that but what is the use.  I am a 345 Super Morbidly Obese Woman and that is that.  Now, I have to figure out a way to change that.  A way that works for someone this overweight.  My life depends on it.  I can't explain to you WHY I am all of a sudden scared for my life, other than more and more things are being affected by this weight.  I look at my children and I think I want so much more for them.  I want to have the energy to do things with them, and I do not want them to become what I am.  I hate who I am.  That is not politically correct, that is not the Christian attitude, but it is the fact.  So , now I start again.  little tiny step at a time but I start.  yes I have failed over and over and over and over.  But its either start again or order the piano box to be buried in and lay down and wait for this to be fatal.  I dont want to do that.  I WANT TO LIVE.  If anyone reading this at all can be a cheerleader and support for me PLEASE jump on board.  I KNOW I can't do this alone, I have already proven that.  I need friends, I need support, I need GOD but I also need people.  People who understand and people who dont.  People who will check on me, but not judge me.  I have one person I know truly cares and is pulling for me ad I thank God for her.  She is far away but I know she cares and wants me to win this battle.  You may think  this is nuts but for some reasson it is important for me that I share this hear, it is important that I make it public.  Yup, I worry about failing again, but I just have to keep trying.  It is so weird the things that are so hard for me.  All I ever wanted in life was to be a wife and a mother.  And I am , but a sucky one.  One who can't care for her home, or herself because she is so big and in so much pain and exhaustion.  Little by little I have to change.  Right now I take care of my babies as best I can and fall out.  But I have to do more and more life things.  and little by little if I can loose a little I can do more and more exercise and maybe start living.  I am bawling my eyes out as I type this and my mind is going crazy with what will people things when they read this.  What do people think now when they look at the biggest person in the room walk in.  Somewhere in all this weight is Tami.  I need to find me in here, I need to seek God with alot of emotional as well as physical pain.  Is it important for me to know how I got this way?? I dont know?  but I do know it is important for me to TRY to just TRY and do something about it.

Me Christmas 2011.  Knowing my daughter had the camera to get pictures of us bringing the babies out to see what Santa left I shifted Jeremiah in front of me thinking it would hide me a bit.  I , of course, was wrong!